Sweet victory

As part of this wonderful weekend of critique.

Here's 2 extracts I wrote for a kids show I am aparently a writer on.

INT day
the cellar of the Emperor Sugar Cube.
The walls are shaking from the sound of impacts and dust falls on the table piled high with maps and models of tanks made out of pieces of candy
(basically it’s like the famous bunker scene from “Downfall”)
GRAMS the sound of jolly fire works OOV and loud explosions.
SGT Hobnob( SC) and SIR PG Tipps(SPGT) stand with a collection of sugar cube soldiers in officer’s uniforms.
SPGT
I say old bean this is a rum baba of a do and no mistake!
SC
Yeh what the fudge is the Candy Dingass doing shelling us during the Emperor’s royal nap?
SUGAR CUBE SOLDIERS all salute at once
SUGAR CUBE SOLDIERS
Hail the emperor he is sweet as he is crunchy!
SPGT
I believe it’s the firework display to celebrate the Marshmallow Kings birthday old jelly bean.
SUGAR CUBE SOLDIERS all at once.
Down with the marshmallow king he is squishy as he is soft!
IMPERIAL SUGAR (ESC) ENTERS THE BUNKER
SUGAR CUBE SOLDIERS
All hail the emperor! He is always solid except in tea!
ESC
Where is my experimental cabbage patch?
SPPGT
Hit by a dashed whizz bang!
ESC Swipes models off the map table.
ESC
How is my priceless collection of sugar crystal Ming vases?
SC
They cracked like a peanut brittle in a 24 sweat down interrogation in a sauna
ESC swipes more models off the table
ESC
Jam that! Marshmallow monstrosity!
SUGAR CUBE SOLDIERS
Down with the marshmallow king, may he be toasted and squished between two crackers!
ESC
Get out you sugar cube block heads!
SUGAR CUBE SOLDIERS shuffle out.
SC and SPGT start to shuffle out.
ESC
Not you two……
SC and SPGT stop and turn to see ESC Leaning over the map table looking rather mad and angry
SC
Sorry Chief
SPGT
ESC
Has every one else left?
SPGT
Pip pip we’ve nobody here but us peeps.
ESC puts a model of a cake on the map table.
SC
A cake? You’re gonna give the marshmallow king a cake? That’s a crummy plan, chief are you graham crackers?
ESC lifts the lid off the cake to reveal it’s empty.
ESC
Prepare for operation surprise filling!

INT Marshmallow castle day.

The Mashmallow King (MK) is in his bedroom wearing a velour dressing gown.
MK puts on his record player.
GRAMS Something by Barry White.
MK walks around his bedroom lighting candles.
Lots of candles, different sizes, some are very big.
MK is starting to melt slightly.
MK now lights the fireplace and it roars into life.
SIMON TF walks in (STF)
STF
Your gooey highness….
Pull back to reveal MK has two “sexy looking” Graham crackers on other side of him,
MK is very melted gooey looking
STF
I’ll come back later
STF walks out of the bedroom and shuts the door.
INT Corridor day infront of shut door.
MK(OOV)
Smore me!
STF shudders.

I liked it, it's a non-stop pun-fest rather than relying on one or two stretched too thin.

The only bit I didn't really get was the sugar crystal Ming vase; it just raises the question of whether sugar is alive or not(or is there some joke I completely missed?) It might work better, since you're doing a war room scenario to maybe have Emperor's "Mint Imperial Guard", then keep the same punchline.

Quote: sootyj @ July 29 2012, 10:41 AM BST

INT day
the cellar of the Emperor Sugar Cube.

View original

I think this is possibly my favourite scene opening ever.

Thanks it was a writing sample for a kids TV show I'm on the writing team for (heres hoping we get the funding).

I find puns in sufficent number have a beauty of their own like individual brush strokes in a master piece.

I also wanted to see if I could write a kids show featuring nazisim and troilism.

Which beat my previous kids show for clowns featuring; incest, rape, homosexuality and serial murder.

I love puns in comedy as long as there's no laughter track, since for best effect they should come so think and fast that pausing for laughter completely breaks the flow. I think you got it spot all, even if it left me craving biscuits.

Aww, sootyj, that's so sweet.

Garyd in the 1970s there was a brief craze for the ultimate novelty pet. The "Pet Rock" a pebble in a cardboard box, the joke being you didn't have to feed it or take it to the vets. Whilst clearing out a loft I was amazed to find I posessed one.
This unthinking inaminate object had lurked, dusty and ignored in a loft for the last 30-40 years.
I trust it's opinions then anything you might have to say. Ever.