Here's the first few scenes of a sitcom I wrote last year. It's only the second one I attempted - the first one had been four years previous. This one was a lot better, but ultimately, I was still a way off hitting my stride. I enjoyed writing it though. I sent it to Writersroom when finished and received no feedback.
PUMPED
SCENE 1
EXT. PETROL STATION FORECOURT.DAY
A petrol station sat on the outskirts of a town. A scruffy, murky coloured car noisily drives in and round the back. A door is heard opening and shutting.
SCENE 2
INT. PETROL STATION SHOP. CONT
Marcus - 40s, sensible haircut - is behind the counter and delicately working on a matchstick model church on a backcounter. Elliot – mid 20s, scruffy hair - enters, from the back and holds out one of two paper bags.
Elliot:
Marcus, here’s your-
Marcus:
SHHHH!
Marcus slowly and carefully sticks a matchstick to the church roof with a pair of tweezers.
Elliot:
Here’s your-
Marcus:
SHHHH!
Marcus picks up a miniature spirit level with the tweezers and holds it up against the newly placed matchstick. He smiles.
Marcus:
Perfection!
Marcus looks at Elliot.
Marcus:
Yes?
Elliot:
Here’s-
A loud crash is heard. Elliot winces.
Marcus:
Have you still not replaced that handbrake?
Elliot:
Do you know how long it takes to get good quality autoparts from Azerbaijan?
Marcus:
Is that my sandwich?
Elliot:
Yes!
Elliot hands one of the bags over to Marcus. Elliot starts looking at the church.
Elliot:
You think it’s going to win?
Marcus puts out his hand.
Marcus:
Change?
Elliot:
You think it’s going to be… victorious?
Marcus:
Change for the sandwiches!
Elliot:
Oh! Sorry! No, I had to buy Solitaire a sandwich too. What does this button do?
Elliot pushes a button to the side of the church. The sound of a church organ starts up.
Elliot:
How can you lose?!
Marcus:
You can never assume anything in the world of matchstick church building, Elliot. It's fraught with danger, excitement and the occasional splinter.
Elliot takes a sandwich out of his bag and goes to bite into it. Marcus grabs his hand.
Marcus:
You know the rules: No food to be aimed at the church by Elliot.
Elliot:
Are you ever going to forget the guacamole?
Marcus:
(SHUDDERS) Don't mention that. Just... don't.
Elliot tuts and they both turn to the front counter. Elliot takes a bite out of his sandwich - egg yolk spurts out across the counter. Marcus tuts and wipes it off with a tissue. Marcus goes to take a bite out of his sandwich. He stops.
Elliot:
Another fingernail?
Marcus lifts up the top layer of bread.
Marcus:
No. A toenail.
Elliot:
Is it one of Solitaire’s?! Let me see! Let me see!
Marcus and Elliot look at the toenail closely. Marcus is suddenly startled and throws it down on the counter.
Marcus:
It moved!
Elliot is looking at the church again.
Elliot:
You know, I could do with a bit of danger and excitement in my life.
Marcus:
(COY) Is this your way of asking for matchstick church building lessons?
There is an awkward silence.
Marcus:
I see!
Elliot:
I was thinking more along the lines of a career change. I mean, I've got a drama degree and here I am selling petrol. (THEATRICAL) Good day, sire! Which pump dost thou wish to payeth for?
Marcus:
You didn’t get a degree. You got a low level GCSE.
Elliot:
Is that why I didn’t get that shampoo commercial?
Marcus:
I've told you before, for the right man, there's a good future in the petrol industry. keep your head down, work hard and, after a couple of years, you could be ordering the microwaveable burgers.
Elliot:
Or… I could be a stuntman! After all, I have got quite the physique.
Elliot does a muscle man pose.
Marcus:
Uh…
Elliot:
Watch this!
Elliot walks from behind the counter. He stretches his neck from side to site and breathes deeply before running into an upright freezer which he bounces off on to the floor.
SCENE 3
EXT. SOLITAIRE'S BURGER VAN. DAY
A greasy burger van emblazoned with 'Solitaire's Cafe' is setup in a layby. Solitaire - 20s, cute - is frying onions - she looks angry. Elliot is stood up against the front of the van smoking.
Solitaire:
Elliot! ELLIOT!
Elliot spins round eagerly.
Elliot:
Yes?
Solitaire snatches the cigarette out of Elliot's hand and starts smoking it furiously. He lights up a replacement. She takes that off him too and starts smoking both.
Elliot:
Tough day?
Solitaire:
Have you got any more fags?
Elliot:
That bad?
Solitaire:
I was fine, Elliot, really, really fine, but then my singing career got ended before it even started.
Elliot:
Was it Simon Cowell? He's such a shit.
Solitaire:
No, it was my bastard guitarist. He's pulled out the day before my debut gig. He's blaming "creative differences".
Elliot:
Gig? That sounds pretty exciting. The sort of thing I should be doing.
Solitaire:
I wanted to make Daddy proud, but now I never will. Never!
Elliot:
Daddy?
Solitaire:
He was the finest pub singer this side of Bognor Regis. He always said I could sing with him when I was older, but then... then... he died!
Elliot:
I’m so sorry.
Solitaire:
It's not your fault. He insisted on getting paid in gin and pork scratchings. It was a miracle he reached 32.
Solitaire starts to sob.
Solitaire:
I just knew something would go wrong! It always does for me! And look! Now I've burnt the onions!
Elliot:
You do realise I play guitar, don't you?
Solitaire:
You do?
Elliot:
Oh yeah. Got me a Fender... Gibson. Yeah, a Fender Gibson.
Solitaire:
Don't you mean a Fender? Or a Gibson?
Elliot:
No... it's a... very rare Gibson that Fender had to make. He lost a bet.
Solitaire:
Oh my! You sound like such a professional! I bet you’re far to busy to bother with a little amateur like me.
Elliot:
Obviously, I’d have to check my schedule, but where is it?
Solitaire:
The Green Horns.
Elliot:
The Green Horns?!
CUT TO: EXT. GREEN HORNS. DAY
A tough looking Hells Angel approaches the entrance. He puts a cigarette out on his mouth before walking in. A few seconds pass before he is thrown through a window.
CUT TO: EXT. SOLITAIRE'S BURGER VAN.CONT
Solitaire:
Is that good for you?
Elliot:
Sure…
SCENE. 4
INT.PETROL STATION SHOP.DAY
Marcus is at the back counter looking at his church. A whirring, dying noise is heard. Marcus looks over at the doors which are struggling to open. He runs over and presses an emergency open button. The doors open.
Marcus:
Sorry, we’ve been having all types of trouble with the doors and… (DISGUST) DAVIS!
Davis – a short, bespectacled and bearded man, 60s – enters. Marcus runs back to the counter and throws a sheet over his church. Davis approaches the counter.
Davis:
So, this is where you work.
Marcus:
What do you want?
Davis:
Just look at the state of this place. What's this? (TAKES SOMETHING OFF COUNTER) A toenail?
Marcus:
I said "What do you want?".
Davis:
Just making sure you’re ready for the competition!
Marcus:
I’m ready. As long as there’s not another ‘Sistine Chapel’ incident.
Davis:
Now, now, now, Marcus, you know the international tribunal found me innocent.
Marcus:
Oh yes, the same international tribunal that were later seen with a handful of 10% discount vouchers for the garden store you clean.
Davis:
I've moved up in the world since then. I'm now in charge of gnomes.
Marcus:
Well you best be getting back to your contemporaries.
Davis:
Pah! Sneer all you want. You know I'm going to win.
Davis turns to leave, but then turns back.
Davis:
Oh and one more thing.
Marcus:
What?
Davis:
(POLITE) Pump number 3, please.
Marcus:
(POLITE) That's £26.33.
