Skit Comp 25.7 - 1.8.12

Good stuff so congratulations to OVERLAY for winning. Get ludicrously yet legitimately poo-faced and PM me for next week's topic.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Overlay
1 - 5 - Gappy, Andymack, Otterfox

Your new subject: ON THE MOVE

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except the kid at school who masturbated all over my rugby kit, I know who you are.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 1.8.12

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Position - Name

32 - 1 - Overlay
31 - 2 - Gappy
26 - 3 - Steve Sunshine
25 - 4 - Shandonbelle
10 - 5 - Andymack, Otterfox, Roscoff, Ishy, Michael Monkhouse
6 - 6 - AngieBaby
1 - 7 - Shirl the Whirl, JackDaniels2, Nigel Kelly

PS Check out the hall of fame in the thread called, um, Hall of Fame.

BLOKE: I'm moving.

WORKMATE: No you're not.

BLOKE: Nah, what I mean is I'm movin on.

WORKMATE: Can anyone move on, then?

BLOKE: Yeah, course they can.

WORKMATE: Hang on a mo, does that mean that anyone can move on regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement. Even Michael Monkhouse.

What's friendly and runs on two legs?
Me with diarrhea.

You're 13-14 and you're getting onto the bus home from school after another hard day. The bus is quite full and the only seat available is a double edged sword. Oh my, it's the seat over the wheel. On the one hand this is a good thing, the extra vibration provides a cheap thrill and you start to review the day; how Mrs C was wearing quite a low cut top and she's not bad for an older bird; how pretty Lucy was looking in double english. Let's not beat about the bush here ("no, let's" it says), you've got a stonker on the bus home and frankly it's helping to pass the time pleasantly except here comes that other edge to the double edged sword; you've got to get off the bus in two minutes.

So, ok, think fast. Think about Grandma naked, eugh. But nothing's happening. Count backwards, that won't work. School dinners, dead pets, nothing is working. You're gonna have to stand up on a crowded bus in a second and you've got a trouser tent going on. So, ok the last roll of the dice is just to go for it and hope that the situation filters down to the little fella, that he decides to chill his boots, at least until you're off the bus and in your own home. You risk it.

Dunno about you, but I grew up on a fast moving road. This means that the bus is going about sixty mph which in turn means that the driver needs plenty of warning before your stop. In a modern version of the Cry Wolf story, the bus drivers know not to trust the ding ding of the bell at this time of day. Too many times have cheeky school pupils thought it funny to get the driver to stop by playing with the bell. No, if you want off you've got to ding the bell and move to get off. You've got to make sure the driver sees you in his mirror. This off course means you've got to be on your feet on a bus going 60 miles per hour, which can be difficult. Add in that you've got a heavy bag of books over your shoulder. Add also that you've got one hand in your pocket, trying to give off the impression of sauntering but really to push out the fabric of your trousers so the bulge is less noticeable.

Here you come to two more possibilities. The first is that you're the only person getting off the bus. This can be good as it means you can get right to front and make a quick getaway. It's also bad because when you get to the front, with a full bus behind you, some 40-50 people are staring in your direction. Be careful how you stand, profile is your enemy here. Try to stand with your back to everyone, with your hand in one pocket, holding on with the other for dear life.

The other possibility is that you aren't the only person getting off, in fact there is a queue. Again this can be good; there is safety in numbers. It can also be bad. You're standing halfway up the aisle, holding onto one of those flimsy handles, hand in pocket, heavy bag swaying you about. To your left is an old lady, her head just about cock height (this is a technical term). To your right is a half man, half beast, skinheaded, tattoed, armour plated killing machine. Do you stand square onto them, facing forwards down the aisle? If either looks sideways they are going to see trouser tent. Do you stand facing old lady? I'll save you the choice, you don't stand facing the nutcase guy. You probably opt for old lady, ok you'll probably go to hell but still, it's the safer option. But beware. As you may know, when buses brake and change gear there's a jolt. There is a very real danger that this sweet, old, blue rinsed lady is going to get twatted across the face by your knob. This is not good.

Twatted by a knob? An oxymoron surely? (An oxymoron being a thick person with good skin, of course)

I've been told that one of my problems is assuming what other people want. Maybe this old lady would enjoy being struck about the face by my erect penis. Maybe the reason she volunteered as a WREN during the war was to defend the freedom to be slapped about the chops by the turgid member of a spotty adolescent. Maybe, but chances are she'll be horrified and inform the police or younger, more able bodied, more psychotic relatives.

So run now, run home.

[Ornate throne room. KING, standing next to QUEEN].

KING: Our fair daughter has been gone these four weeks. Captured by an evil tyrant, whose twisted henchmen even now patrol the boundaries of his stronghold. We fear she has been selected as his [choking]...as his underworld bride. [QUEEN breaks down into tears, and cries onto KING’s shoulders]. The way shall be perilous, and fraught with myriad dangers, but I plead with you, sires, as the only men in this glorious kingdom hardy enough to take up this gauntlet, will you search for her?

MARIO: Err, well [turn 180 to reveal MARIO & LUIGI]. We’re just here on holiday, you see.

LUIGI: We’re not really trained for this sort of thing. If you’ve got any problems with your taps, we’ll be laughing, but princesses are a bit out of our, err...

KING: Do mine ears deceive me? You’re saying you won’t aid us? You won’t face the deadly dangers to rescue our only daughter?

MARIO: Yeah, it’s the “deadly” part that worries us.

LUIGI: If there were no mortal peril we might give it a shot, you never know. We’re not ambivalent about the whole...the whole underworld bride situation, we just wonder whether two plumbers –

MARIO: On holiday.

LUIGI: Two New York plumbers on holiday are really the ideal candidates for your basic derring do.

MARIO: What about the army?

KING: All have gone into the wastelands, and all have perished.

LUIGI: What, all of them?

KING: Yes. One at a time, they died.

LUIGI: Well, why didn’t you send them all at once?

KING: In retrospect, yes, that might have worked. But they were valiant, skilled retainers, who shall be deeply missed.

MARIO: Well, that’s sort of our point. Why do you think two tradesmen who are only trained in domestic water management and who – it must be said – are not in a state of peak physical fitness, are the best ones to ask?

QUEEN: [Screams] You heartless bastards! My daughter, my only [breaks down]

MARIO: Look, we’re not unsympathetic. We’d like to help, and everything but –

KING: Oh. I get it. I had hoped for better, but if that’s how you want to play it. Yes, we can give you all the gold you can carry on your return. Happy now, coal-hearted profiteers?

MARIO: Well, no. It’s not much use if we don’t return. Plus, there are loads of coins just laying about outside, did you know that? So we’re quite well off now.

LUIGI: If we can just go back to the “deadly” part, you can perhaps see how it doesn’t fit very well with our concept of a quick vacation.

KING: And why did you come here, if not to aid us in our hour of need?

MARIO: What do you mean, hour of need? They don’t mention any hours of need at the travel agent. Your “Flit to the historic Mushroom Kingdom” website doesn’t suggest visitors will be embroiled in domestic politics as soon as they get off the plane. We’re just here for the usual tourist stuff: see the sights, catch some stars, check out the famous Toadtown at night.

LUIGI: Pick up some coins.

MARIO: Yeah, naturally, the free coins. And see the infamous turtleboys in the Goomba quarter. No touching, mind!

QUEEN: Typical backpackers, you make me bloody sick. We’re a proud ancient nation, and you view our millennia old history as a mere freakshow! A brief amusement! You come here, and you give nothing back.

MARIO: Hang on a mo! You supplied all these sights, we’re just visiting – you didn’t complain when you took our money, did you? No, you don't mind the tourist industry when you count the takings at the end of the day, but get in the public eye and suddenly it’s all “oh, our vibrant folklore; ooh, our noble history”. Hypocrisy, that’s all it is.

LUIGI: And we worked hard to come on holiday. All those hours we spent manning that bottling plant with a highly inefficient conveyor system to save up the funds.

MARIO: Yeah, and the nightmare job I had in the monkey enclosure in that combined zoo and barrel factory. But we kept our heads down and worked hard, just for a well-earned break, so don’t dump all your problems on us.

KING: [Pause] Alright. I understand. I’m tempted to throw you blackguards in the dungeons, but I see that won’t bring our daughter back. I fear I must search elsewhere for a champion. [Beat] Can you have a quick look at the boiler, then, whilst you’re here, it’s making some funny noises.

[MARIO & LUIGI turn to look at boiler on wall]

MARIO: [Sucking air through teeth] Ooh, this’ll cost you

KING: F**king watch it!

WOMAN
Don't come the innocent with me, I saw the way you looked at her.

MAN
Every one in the room was looking at her for God's sake, I'm only human.

WOMAN
Every single eye in that room looked away in due course but both of your eyes stayed locked with both of her eyes…the trollop (hysterical) YOU COULDN'T STOP YOUR EYES LOOKING AT HER EYES! ADMIT IT!
(Wailing)

MAN
Christ. You said you'd get help for your jealously, you said you saw a number in the back of Marie Claire.

WOMAN
I did see a number in the back of Marie Claire. But you well know I always read my magazines from back to front, so by the time I'd read 'Does Your Man Secretly Undress Other Women With His Eyes' and 'Could He? Would He? The Statistics Speak for Themselves Girlfriend' I'd for-f**king-gotten about the jealousy hotline.

MAN
I may as well be on the move..out of here...gone.
I'd been looking forward to going there for years, then all this over making eye contact with another woman.

WOMAN
You're right honey (sniff) I'm sorry, we'll go back there again. I promise it'll be different.
But just one teeny thing….can we make sure the Mona Lisa is not on exhibition next time?

"DIRECTIONS"

GRAMS: Phone Ringing

Geoff: Hello?

Stephen: Hi, it’s John. (pause) Jonno145? - I just bought your lawnmower on E-bay? I was hoping
to pick it up this afternoon - all I need is your post code.

Geoff: So, where you coming from?

Stephen: Well, Sevenoaks, as it happens - but if you just let me have the post code...

Geoff: Right. How well do you know Farnham?

Stephencross) I don’t, but...

Geoff: Guildford?

Stephenlosing it) Look, if you just give me the post code...

Geoff:You don't know Guildford? Blimey - which way was you thinking of coming?

Stephen: I wasn’t! I’m going to get in the car, turn on the SatNav and enter the sodding post code!

Geoff: You got an A-Z handy?

Stephen:No I bloody haven’t. I’ve got a pencil and paper and all I need from you is selection of
six, possibly seven letters and I can find anywhere in the whole country. It’s a modern bloody
miracle of which you seem to blissfully unaware. It’s called a post code - we've all got
one. You’ll find it at the bottom of your address...

Geoff:Calm down mate - I do know what a post code is.

Stephen: Good. (recovering composure) May I have it please?

Geoff:Right. Now, how well do you know the alphabet...?

GRAMShone slamming down

AN INTERVIEWER IS AIMLESSLY WANDERING AROUND A RURAL AREA, MICROPHONE IN HAND.

INTERVIEWER(to cameraman):
It looks like the director is going to run with Clark Lawrences’ interview with Furkan Swift. Stupid Clark bloody Lawrence yet again! Let’s blow him out of the water and get a flippin’ brilliant one today.

A TYPICAL FARMER APPROACHES...

INTERVIEWER:
Hi, are you interesting?

JOHN:
Well I could tell you an interesting story....(with vigour) Many moons ago when I was but a snapper, no; a whippet, no. What was I?

INTERVIEWER:
Piss off!

HE KICKS JOHN OUT OF SHOT.

HE APPROACHES ANOTHER MAN (TOM).

INTERVIEWER:
Excuse me?

TOM (thinks he is offering him the microphone):
(Grateful) Aw thanks!

HE TAKES THE MICROPHONE AND BEGINS WALKING AWAY.

INTERVIEWER RUNS AFTER HIM.

INTERVIEWER:
Give me the microphone back you feckin eejit!

INTERVIEWER GRABS THE MICROPHONE TURNS AND STARES INTO THE DISTANCE.

INTERVIEWER:
What in the name of question marks!!!???

THE CAMERA PANS TO WHERE THE INTERVIEWER IS LOOKING. WE SEE A STRANGE MAN APPROACHING. HE IS WEARING CANVAS SHORTS, A SHIRT AND TIE, LONG BLACK SOCKS AND BOOTS.

INTERVIEW:
Hello there..am..what are you?

STRANGE MAN (HUGO):
I’m just back...on the move for many years I was. My colleagues and I spent the last few years conquering each of the fabled Peaks of Palacuna. Hugo Wings’ the name.

INTERVIEWER (ENTHUSIASTIC):
Great, great and what was...wait a moment; Hugo Wing? Part of the ‘Peak Performers’; set out six years ago in the most daring climb ever conceived: to climb the seven peaks of the dreaded Palacuna region. Hugo Wing, Tony Bongojaw and Hoohar Derrerero – ‘The Three Mountaineers’.

HUGO:
Yes, that’s what they called me. They said I had it all, mountaineering, climbing and going up. ‘The Three Mountaineers Tony and Hoohar’ – that’s what we were known as.

INTERVIEWER:
So where are the others?

HUGO:
I’m afraid I am the sole survivor. Bongojaw and Derrerero met a fate worse than death...equal to death...am death.

INTERVIEWER:
That is a pity I suppose but did you do it? Did you conquer the seven peaks?

HUGO:
I conquered all seven peaks and I even have the spoons to prove it.

HE HOLDS OUT SEVEN SPOONS.

HUGO:
I brought these spoons with me and I used one for a victory meal at the summit of each of the seven peaks.

INTERVIEWER:
Amazing. No one has ever ventured into the Palacuna region before. What did you find? Where did you go? What happened to Tony and Hoohar?

HUGO:
It was a strange place. We saw it all. Golden rivers, statues only visible in sunlight, a perfectly square duck. At one point Crivenden mountain inverted in on itself and became a molehill. We found ourselves trapped with a squadron of otters that had some of the loveliest hair-cuts I had ever seen.

They were slicked to the side, slicked to the other side, more had that sort of tousled look. Pomade and hair gel everywhere. Very well groomed, absolutely lovely.

After four day we were rescued by a fox with a handlebar moustache and tweed cap. He called himself ‘the hunter Jack Steed’. He took us back to his place and shows us his collection of rare artefacts.

It was truly astounding. A pair of owls hands, a monkey’s shoe, a jar full of hare’s breath.

INTERVIEWER:
Wow this is bloody gold! (addressing cameraman) are you getting this?

(back to Hugo) So what happened Tony and Hoohar?

HUGO:
Well the very next day we set out for peak number five; The Bishops Candle. We began noticing signs telling us not to observe arguments and in-fighting between the animals. We thought nothing of it and soon came across a heated argument between a woodpecker and a squirrel.

I couldn’t make out everything they were saying but I got the gist of it. The woodpecker was going mental tututuut(woodpecker sounds) and then the squirrel was all (squeak sounds). The woodpecker naturally didn’t like that one bit and went (more animated) tutututututut.

The squirrel was just pulling out a machete when Bongojaw sneezed. In seconds we were completely surrounded. They were all there; Brogue-footed monkeys, stripy lions, the lovely-haired otters.

I was the first to react. I quickly looked the other way and I started breathing into a bush full of geese. Luckily they engaged me in conversation about the posture of badgers.

Bongojaw was taken by the otters and they placed him in a barbers chair.

INTERVIEWER:
What did they do? Stab him with a scissors?

HUGO:
No, nothing like that. They washed his sidelocks, they measured his fringe and then just...(solemnly) just combed his hair to death.

Derrerero went much quicker. He got stung by lions.

INTERVIEWER:
Stung by lions? Stung?

HUGO:
Yes they have tails don’t they. I had escaped but was lost without my friends. I spent the next two weeks crying into my biscuits.

With a heavy heart I climbed the last two peaks and now here I am.

INTERVIEWER:
This is unbelievable! This is..what a find!

INTERVIEWER LOOKS AT CAMERA AGAIN.

INTERVIEWER:
You’re getting all this?

CAMERAMAN TILTS THE CAMERA SLIGHTLY MORE TOWARDS THE INTERVIEWER.

INTERVIEWER:
Why did you tilt the camera then? You did get that interview didn’t you?

CAMERAMAN:
Yeah I got it from the very start.

INTERVIEWER:
The very start of this interview?

CAMERAMAN:
Ye…ah the very start. The interview at the very start…..with the first guy.

WE PAN OUT TO SEE JOHN(FIRST INTERVIEWEE) STILL WAFFLING ON ABOUT BEING A SNAPPER OR A WHIPPET.

INTERVIEWER (TO HUGO):
Just stay there one moment I’d like to ask you a couple of more questions.

INTERVIEWER APPROACHES THE CAMERAMAN.

INTERVIEWER(annoyed):
What did you record?

INTERVIEWER (OFF CAMERA) EMITS A RANGE OF EXPLETIVES.

INTERVIEWER:
It’s okay. We’ll just go through the questions with him again.

CAMERAMAN:
Hugo’s gone.

INTERVIEWER GOES OFF ON ANOTHER EXPLETIVE RANT. THE SCREEN GOES BLANK.

CUT TO INTERVIEWER. TODAY WE GOING TO HEAR AN ABSOLUTELY AMAZING STORY FROM A TRULY INCREDIBLE MAN.

PAN OUT TO REVEAL JOHN.

INTERVIEWER:
So John what were you called when you were young?

JOHN:
Well it all depended if it was before or after my mother swept the floor. Some days she wouldn’t sweep it ‘til, God surely nine or ten at night. On occasion I could be gone to bed before she called me anything…this other time there was a blade of grass in my shoe…

INTERVIEWER THROWS HIS MICROPHONE OVER HIS SHOULDER AND WALKS OFF.

END.

A MAN AND A WOMAN STAND IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE WITH A HUGE PILE OF BOXES

A VAN PARKS IN FRONT OF THEM AND THE DRIVER OPENS THE BACK OF THE VAN

GRAMS You give a little love and it all comes back to you.

A PUPPY RUNS OUT OF THE VAN INTO THE ARMS OF A LITTLE GIRL AS SHE PASSES BY

LITTLE GIRL
Scamp you came back!

LITTLE GIRL CRYS

2 LESBIANS GET OUT OF THE BACK OF THE VAN IN WEDDING DRESSES

A PASSING BISHOP HUGS THEM

PASSING BISHOP
I'm sorry I was wrong I love my 2 lesbian, incestuos married daughters.

A NURSE PUSHES A HOSPITAL BED WITH A SICKLY KID IN IT OUT OF THE BACK OF THE VAN

BRADLEY WIGGIN CYCLES UP AND RUFFLES THE KIDS HAIR

BRADLEY
You're in the hardest race but you're going to win it!

KID
Thanks Bradders you're the best.

MAN DRIVING VAN BLOWS A WHISTLE, SICK KID, PUPPY etc GET BACK IN THE VAN
VAN DRIVES OFF

WOMAN LOOKS AT MAN

WOMAN
Not that kind of moving van you dick.

1. OFFICE. A YOUNG WOMAN (LINDSEY) SITS DOWN IN AN OFFICE. A LADY (SALLY) SMILES AT HER AND MOTIONS HER TO SIT DOWN.

SALLY:
Hello there. Welcome to (in a cheerful, rehearsed tone) “On the Move - we know everything about moving”. Please take a seat. How can I help you?

LINDSEY:
(starts singing) Our lips shouldn’t Touch. Move over darling. I like you too much. Move over darling. (stops singing). Who sung that?

SALLY:
Doris Day.

LINDSEY:
Brilliant. If you ate nothing but scotch eggs for a month would your bowels stop moving?

SALLY TURNS AWAY AND STARTS TYPING ON A LAPTOP

SALLY:
One minute. (beat) Yes.

LINDSEY:
That's good to know. Ok. Move me.

FADE

SALLY IS IN FLOODS OF TEARS. LINDSEY IS READING FROM A BOOK.

LINDSEY:
“Goodnight forever my sweet darling. I will never forget you” said Susie, planting one final kiss on her tortoise Timmy's cold shell before she laid him to rest in the recycling bin

LINDSEY: (still sobbing)
Oh God. That was beautiful. I’m sorry. Where was I? Oh one last thing. I promised my boyfriend Chris I’d have sex with him if he put some shelves up, but I’ve got a Downton Abbey box set to get through.

SALLY:
Ah, yes, so you’d like to move the goalposts?

LINDSEY:
Please

SALLY:
No problem. Just tell him if he lets you watch 2 episodes, you’ll make him go weak at the knees.

LINDSEY:
Oh dear. What will that involve?

SALLY:
Nothing. Just slip these horse tranquilizers in his tea.

LINDSEY GRABS THE PILLS AND SMILES

Fun to read all of them but I'm going for Sooty

Yep...Sooty for me too.

Hard to choose this week, was between Sootyj, Otterfox and Lazzard but liked the frustrating phonecall so Lazzard it is.

Thanks for that.
I will now shoot myself in the foot and vote for Sootyj

I'm going for Sootyj's because I found it very moving.