My new and improved script (stand up)

this is an improvement to the last script I posted. enjoy

Hi I'm Andrew Rowland. I grew up in Wales with my parents and siblings. I've always seen myself as being sporty and reasonably intelligent, my girlfriend was French, I'm kidding I had a sheep-friend.
I'm a single lad in actual fact. I never get much luck with the ladies... My last encounter with a girl was when I was giving her a blow job then I thought 'hang on a minute!...' I suppose my bad luck with girls is when I say 'I do science at GCSE but I failed whereas I should have said 'i read the sciences'
I always aspired to be a football player, so for my G.C.S.E's I took drama. That footballing dream was probably why in French when I was asked if I had a pen I Dropped off my chair holding my face while looking through my fingers every so often to see if it was working. When my teacher asked why this routine was constant I said 'that's how Ronaldo does it.. .'
As a child I was addicted to FIFA games but unfortunately there wasn't a level low enough for me to play on...
I loved going to church, it was the only place quiet enough for me to play FIFA on my PSP. Until the day the Vicar said "how can you avoid hell?" at that moment I conceded the most bizarre penalty to which I jumped out of my seat in disbelief screaming 'that's f**king bullshit!! For God's sake!' not a surprise to find I got kicked out
In school I was seen as being short. So when I was playing cricket there was no call for "leg before wicket" it was 'face before wicket'...
Where I grew up we had our fair share of dickheads (and sheep). We were listed highest in the UK for teenage pregnancies and one of the UK's highest for obesity. Sound like a nice place huh? At least I can say I was not fat....
My brother and sister had a knack of arguing with each other. They also had a habit of talking in their sleep. Those two factors didn't mix well. I would be woken constantly by the sound of 'shut up Niall' - 'shut up Megan' - 'make me!' I would chip in with "shut the f**k up for f**k sake!" that would backfire on me with them turning on me with "f**k off!!"
I remember talking to my friends about call of duty. I would tell them things. They didn't believe that I had the game. I had to go home and take photos. I showed them photos to them and they would say "can't see the game" so I would go home and take photos from a completely new angle and tilt the phone at a 45° angle. I would take the photo to school and they would say ' that isn't even your shelf' so I say " what the f**k?!?! Do you think I just randomly walked into my polish neighbours house whistling 'hi ho' and say' alright? Just taking photos of your games don't mind me' click click- done?' "Yes" they would say so I told them where to go and walked away....

I read the first line and stopped.

What was the problem?

Same joke that everyone says is awful.

You are talking about things that are relevant to you. I'm guessing you're about 18? Which is good. Don't write older than yourself, it will show. But it is very much the humour or should I say style of someone who has just left or is still at school and I can't relate to it, so it didn't do much for me personally.

I think you may find if you performed this to an older audience, you would loose most of them with your references. That's not a bad thing, but it's just something to think about.

I'd personally drop the sheep references too. It's been done to death and then it's been done to death ironically too. Do you still live in Wales? If you do, I will assume you'd be playing to a Welsh audience for a while. There must be something else you can pick up on? Even if you're playing in England or wherever else, there must be another angle you can take that everyone will appreciate?

If you played this type of material to your mates or at your college or Uni (assuming that you are that age) then it might go down well. But I think at the moment you would get slaughtered in the real world.

I don't think what you have wrote is bad, it's just shows your lack of experience. It takes a while for a comedian to build up a solid 10 minute piece of material, so keep at it. You're not going to hit it first time.

EDIT: I've just realised who you are. You're that 15 year old! It all makes sense now. Um, yeah. Don't give up if this is what you enjoy.

I think the problem for me Andrew is that you are trying to have an anecdotal style but then putting gags in that don't seem to come organically from the material. Maybe write about real experiences that you know about and then see how to get the comedy from it, or do it more as a series of gags without the anecdotal framework - but again make them original as others have said. I'd leave sheep out of it for example unless you can get a new spin on it. It's not easy I know but keep at it - it's the only way to get better. Maybe record yourself and see how it sounds as a performance to that you can find a style you are happy with. Best of luck with it all.

I think my main problem is that im 15 so I need to mature abit on my joke topics. Maybe in a few years the older crowd will be able to get the jist of my jokes because they will be about real world (politics etc) so they can actually relate to it

Have you performed it to a younger crowd then Andrew?

No im working on the performing part. Im going to.get a genuine audience and maybe have a video shoot to upload to YouTube (<--- is that a good idea?)

Well some of the comments here are about craft rather than just the jokes itself. The one hundred percent main thing about stand up anything is confidence, even if it is faked. So recording yourself and working on the set prior to doing it before a live audience and recording it on video would be a good idea. The real acid test is do you think the material is funny - or do you think it could be funnier. Identify what is the 'funny' in the gag, what is the target and hone that down so it is as succinct as possible would also be a good idea. Main thing is have fun, and that will come across.

Meh, write from the heart. You will never be old or mature enough. Like what is the right age? Like Marc says, find a style YOU are happy with. If what you have wrote already makes you laugh, then stick with it.

Yes, upload to YouTube, what have you got to lose? It's experience that you can grow from after all.

Theres a few parts in the script where I will be acting it abit. I will.be chanhing my voice when I speak about the game photo in the neigbours house. It will be in like a stereotypical plumber/electrician voice

Thanks for all the help guys

To be honest, I really didn't understand the last bit about the game photos at all.

Thats just a thing that happened to me. That should probably be dropped

Andrew why not just some short jokes.

Get a feel for the structure and how they work.

Otherwise you may be trying to force your talents?