Crit Please - Proper Girl: Alt. Opening Scene

Hi All,

A week ago I posted what was the first 5 pages of my first sitcom https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/24876/ . Long story short, I've had a rethink and decided to start with a different scene.

I'd really appreciate any feedback on the below, as I mentioned in my previous post, this is my first script.

If your life is void of anything vaguely interesting feel free to comment on whether you think this is a stronger or weaker opener than my first attempt, although for that you'll have to actually read the original one so don't worry if you're too lazy, your feedback will still be incredibly useful.

*crosses fingers*

INT. STEPHS FLAT

STEPH BUMPS DOOR OPEN WITH HIP, SHE'S HOLDING A 9 PACK OF LOO ROLL UNDER CHIN AND FAFFING WITH KEYS. ADAM, AN ILLUSTRATOR, HER FLATMATE, IS OUT OF VIEW ON THE TOILET. ADAM, 25, CUTE LOOKING, BIT GEEKY.

STEF
Got your loo roll.

ADAM
(from the bathroom) great.

STEPH PUTS IT BY BATHROOM DOOR, SLUMPS TO THE FLOOR WITH HEAD LEANING ON THE WALL. ADAM'S HAND COMES OUT FROM BEHIND DOOR AND PICKS IT UP.

ADAM
I've been stuck here for half an hour. I don't think you respect my anus.

STEF
Don't make out like you've never run to the kitchen for tissue with a shit rimmed rectum.

ADAM
On the topic of turds, CELIA's coming over with Bret.

STEF
I'm not helping him up. Urgh, great, now I have to address his Berlesconi-ing. I was hoping he'd just die and we could all go to one of those awkward funerals they have for people who've died asphxy-wanking. Ya know, where the widow's the only one who doesn't know their husband was a complete degenerate. That would have been a lot more convenient.

DOOR BUZZER, STEPH PRESSES THE INTERCOM, LEAVES THE DOOR AJAR. ADAM COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM.

BRET WHEELS IN WITH CELIA BEHIND, OUT OF BREATH AND RED IN THE FACE. BRET, 24, IN A WHEELCHAIR, GOOD LOOKING, BIT MUSCLEY, SLIGHTLY RAGGEDY CLOTHES. CELIA, 25, HOT BUT PLAIN, SHINY BROWN HAIR, TIGHT WHITE TSHIRT, BIG GOLD BRACELET.

BRET:
(pumped up) Hola hombres, hows it hanging?

STEPH AND ADAM
(underwhelmed) Bret

CELIA
Hello my little darlings

ADAM
Hey sis, want a beer?

STEPH
Hows it going Celia? Been up to much?

CELIA
Wonderful thanks S.E. Made a new 'If it's not FairTrade, you're giving them AIDs' stencil. Bret reckons there's a great wall for it next to the Tesco in Old Street.

STEPH
(slightly confused) Oh, great.

CELIA
Yeah, I really think we can beat AIDs this year

STEPH
(more confused) Ok...actually I really need to talk to Bret about something. Bret, can I borrow you for a sec.

BRET
Sure

LEADS HIM DOWN THE CORRIDOR TOWARDS HER ROOM, THEN CHANGES HER MIND

STEPH
Actually, lets go in here. My bedroom's disgusting.

CLOSES DOOR, LOWERS VOICE

STEPH
Right, I saw you at Cargo the other night you know

BRET
Yeah, yeah it was carnage

STEPH
You were being a complete dick.

BRET
Those fanjita's were just showing me some amore.

STEPH
They were showing you their tits. You then buried your head in them and started kissing the one who looked like Octomom's more insecure sister.

BRET
I'll tell you what wasn't secure, their bras - Blam! Is there a point to this?

STEPH
Yeah, you're going out with Celia, who I would vaguely label as one of my friends. If you don't tell her I'm going to

BRET
erm (pauses) yeah, I'm not going to tell her

STEPH
Right. Fine.

STEPH STARTS RUSHING TO LEAVE THE ROOM, BRET IS JOSTLING WITH HER AND SCOURS THE ROOM QUICKLY. BRET PICKS UP STANLEY KNIFE FROM AMONGST ADAM'S ART SUPPLIES

BRET
If you leave this room now I will stab myself in the leg. It's not going to look good for you.

STEPH
Pfff, no one's gonna believe I did that

BRET
Sure they would, I'm disabled, we don't lie. Everyone knows you've got some sort of problem with me. Makes no difference to me, my legs are completely numb.

STEPH DIMISSES IT AND REACHES FOR THE DOOR KNOB.
BRET PLUNGES SCALPOL INTO HIS LEG

BRET
(calmly) One up here, another down here. Helps make it look more frenzied. 3-2-1 (shouts) Arrrrrrrgh, stop, Argggggh Steph what are you doing?

THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE. ADAM AND CELIA BURST IN. BRET IS WAILING AND LOOKING SACRED AND CONFUSEDLY AT STEPH

STEPH
(unphased) I did not do that. This is clearly bullshit. He did it himself. And by the way, he's cheating on you Celia. I saw...

CELIA, IN SHOCK, IS NURSING BRET

ADAM
why are you in my room?

STEPH
I was too drunk last night to remember to change my tampon, my bed's filthy, ok.

ADAM MAKES A REPULSED FACE

CELIA
How did...

BRET
She just went for me. I was telling her how hard it is for me to paint my landscapes (solemn pity inducing face)- because I have such a low vantage point- and she just switched on me.

CELIA TURNS TO STEF WHOS STANDING WITH ADAM. HER BACK IS TURNED ON BRET WHO IS MAKING A 'NAH-NAH-NAH' FACE AND STROKING HIS WHEELCHAIR LIKE YOU'D STROKE A HORSE WHO'S RIDDEN WELL.

TITLES

Hi again, it's funny for sure and fairly well written but there are a lot of errors that will need ironing out before you submit (sometimes Steph is spelt Stef in action descriptions and there are a few spelling mistakes and typos.
The major problem is I'm not sure where the episode plot is headed yet, I think at this level we don't have the luxury of letting our characters breathe, we need to see them on their feet and running straight away so that the reader sees what they're about.
Character wise I already have a feel for Steph from your first script and it's good to see she's still got a distinct voice. Adam feels a little one dimensional at the moment. I got a feel for Celia from her first line and You've drawn Bret pretty well.
Hope that helps.

Hey there Sean, first of all thanks for having a looksee. You are now officially the 2nd nearest thing to a script editor there is for this sitcom. My cat would seriously fight you for that title.

Cheers for pointing out the typos and inconsistencies, full disclosure; I was so excited to finish this that I just wanted to get it up and find out if it's any good. Needless to say I will fix these issues.

Re Adam's character - because he only has 2 or 3 lines in this scene, perhaps they need to be reworked so that what he's saying is substantial enough to give an idea of the man behind the words.

I am what some people would find disgustingly happy that you found the scene funny. I was worried it might have been off the mark.

Plot wise the rough story arc of this is: Steph''s job is put in jeopardy after Bret puts up a photo of her on facebook wearing her work uniform covered in blood after 'the incident'. Her boss lectures her about how unacceptable it is etc. During her lunch break Steph has to go and pick up those tickets for the the theatre (the first scene I posted). This will give the scene a sense of urgency because she really has to get back to work on time.

The bitch in the ticket office is going to be the new girlfriend of another of Stef's friends which will be revealed on what is a face crushingly awkward night out for Steph, seeing as Cecile and Bret will also be there with their unresolved grievences about the stabbing.

That's all I've got so far story wise. I'm not sure though if there's enough substance to the story line and conflict etc... I have no idea 'how much story' is sufficient seeing as my favourite comedies range massively from the Seinfeld ep where they're stuck in the carpark (and you could say nothing much happens) to the 30 rock ep where it turns out Lemon has accidently joined a female fight club (where you could say there's a traditional story to the ep and lots of reveals)

EDIT I'm going to change Steph's name, I can't seem to speel it wright like

Hi Ellie

Here is where the story starts...

'STEPH
Right, I saw you at Cargo the other night you know

BRET
Yeah, yeah it was carnage

STEPH
You were being a complete dick.

etc..'

I would recommend getting rid of all the 'banter' and blam straight into the story and reveal character along with it.

Hey Mark, thanks for taking the time to read this and for your advice. Although....

I feel there is quite a lot of revealing stuff about everyone's character in the opening banter bit (except for Adam). That's where I put the sort of shorthand stuff where the audience can get a feel for the character's personalities straight away and for that reason I'm reluctant to bin it.

Perhaps that banter part feels like it's holding you back from the action because it's just not that well written? What do you think?

I agree with Marc, it doesn't matter how well it's written, you've got ten pages to show a script editor that you can draw a character and plot through action as well as dialogue and be funny. It's £40 entry for the Bafta competition and the standards are going to be high. Even if you don't get through you get the written feedback from a professional. Don't make it easy for them to fill it with basic stuff people are telling you on here for free.
Don't forget that popular shows like seinfeld had the luxury of being able to write the scripts they wanted as theyvwere already established. As amatuers we don't have that luxury and the best we can do is try to write a calling card that shows we produce somefhing with energy, invention and laughs.
The odd knob joke might help as well.

Series like Peep Show and The Office seem to be highly-banterish; sometimes with very little defined 'story' in an episode, beyond a continuation of the general malaise/desperation that had gone before.

That said, I went to heavy on the banter element, and decided to cut every scene/element that didn't move the story forward from my feature-length script.

This was depressing, as it was a lot of work. However, I decided to paste this off-loaded banter to a wordpad file, burn it to a DVD, and post it back home along with some documents that I had to send home anyway (I am currently in Japan). So this will allow me to maybe occasionally dip into this "banter pot", when I return to the UK, and thus maybe the work was not for nothing.

Additionally, if I have a nice run of story-progressing pages in my Eraducation script, I will reward myself an occasional couple of pages of self-indulgent banter, and scenes detatched-from/unrelated-to the main story.

The art of writing comedy seems to be to make jokes that fit the story, rather than shoe-horn unrelated jokes you like into the story in the form of banter/conversation, or Family Guy-style flash-backs (or worse-still, try and adapt the story to fit the jokes). However, if you've got a line you love, the temptation is sometimes too great.

Quote: SimonWing @ July 17 2012, 8:13 PM BST

Series like Peep Show and The Office seem to be highly-banterish; sometimes with very little defined 'story' in an episode, beyond a continuation of the general malaise/desperation that had gone before.

View original

I would suggest you watch them again, especially the pilots.

Reads well again, I agree that the start could be tightened, there's defintiely a bit of flab there. Even just slight changes helps things move more slickly without losing anything, like tweaking the first few lines to something more like:

STEF
Got your loo roll.

ADAM'S HAND REACHES OUT FROM THE TOILET AND SNATCHES THE ROLL.

ADAM
I've been stuck here for half an hour; I don't think you respect my anus.

Not much of a change but does the exact some thing in a more economic fashion. At first you won't think so, but when you look at it dispassionately, there are also lines you can drop and sections you can collapse.

This is the opening to your pilot, drag the reader along as quickly as you can.

Thanks for your help guys. The dialogue diagnosis is clearly pointing towards 'bloated due to lack of word portion control'.

I'm going through the script now and cutting back on any superfluous lines as well as descriptions. As if you care, "so what?" you're probably thinking. I just wanted you lot to know that your feedback has resulted in actual changes.

@Sean, I don't know if your comment that the script could do with more knob jokes is tongue in cheek (oddly that would look like the international sign language for blowjob)? Is that your way of saying the humour in the script is too pretentious and could do with some lighter, more throwaway jokes?

I feel I have compensation for the lack of penis puns with a liberal spraying of period related jokes.

Purely tounge in cheek, my dear.

Still wouldn't hurt though.

Hi Chickenellie, I think you made the correct decision to start with this scene instead of the 'ticket office'one. In my opinion, for what it's worth, I like the little details and the banter.

You have clearly got talent and I am looking forward to reading some more.

@Nicky Thanks alota. That's really encouraging to hear, it makes the horrific cough I got whilst covering my keyboard in ash to write this worth it!

I'm going to read your Amazon Reviews later, I promise...