This is my first ever script

This is my first ever script and I am 15. Please leave constructive criticism and comments. Thanls

Hi im andrew rowland. I grew up in wales with many neighbours, my neighbours were polish and my girlfriend was french, im kidding I had a sheep-friend.
When I used to walk to school me and my mates.... Well when I walked to school I went to the corner shop. Tesco was nearer but too expensive...
I always aspired to be a football player, so I took drama for my g.c.s.e's. That footballing dream was probably why in french when I was asked if I had a pen I Dropped off my chair holding my face while looking through my fingers every so often to see if it was working. I never took a pen to school because I knew my dropping off the chair technique would win me one.. As a child I was addicted to fifa games but unfortunately there wasnt a level low enough for me to play on... In school I was seen as being short. So when I was playing cricket there was no.call for "leg before wicket" it was 'face before wicket'... Where I grew up we had our fair share of dickheads (and sheep). We were listed highest in the uk for teenage pregnancies and one of the uk's highest for obesity. Sound like a nice place huh? At least I can say I was not fat....
My brother and sister had a knack of arguing with eachother. They also had a habit of talking in their sleep. Those two factors didnt mix well. I would be woken constantly by the sound of 'shut up niall' - 'shut up megan' - 'make me!' I would chip in with "shut the f**k up for f**k sake!" that would backfire on them turning on me with "f**k off!!"
I remember talking to my friends about call of duty. I would tell them things. They didnt beleive that I had the game. I had to go home and take photos. I showed them photos to them and they would say "cant see the game" so I would go home and take photos from a completely new angle and tilt the phone at a 45° angle. I would take The photo to school and they would say ' that isnt even your shelf' so I say " what the f**k?!?! Do you think I just randomly walked into my polish neigbours house whistling 'hi ho' and say' alright? Just taking photos of your games don't mind me' click click- done?' "yes" they would say so I told them where to go and walked away

Hi

What is this; standup? Monologue?

Some nice jokes in there. I especially like the one about sleep arguing with your siblings.

Some still isn't clearly explained. I mean the line about Polish neighbours, is that being Welsh there aren't many one Welsh people around?

Also you're not diving into the character. Act stuff out, let us hear other characters voices.

And you're making the rooky error of telling not showing. When the audience succesfully guess whatyou're talking about then you're going places.

Hi Andrew I think the first thing you need to do is learn the form and format of scriptwriting. It's pretty easy to learn and there are excellent free tools such as Celtx easily available. then have a look at how a typical script is written and how dialogie flows and characters interact. Once you've picked up the basics then you'll have more fun writing and will generally recieve more positive feesback as people will appreciate the effort you've put into your presentation.

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/24871/. This is a short script I wrote to be deliberately cliched and bad, however (imo) it's a fair example of standard formatting. Have a look.

Quote: sean knight @ July 15 2012, 8:39 PM BST

This is a short script I wrote to be deliberately cliched and bad, however (imo) it's a fair example of standard formatting. Have a look.

View original

Thanks for sharing it's not as it there isn't enough shit to wade through on here sometimes. I also took f**k all time to see if this post was funny or not either before posting. I feel bad now Sean because you read this but I didn't click on your link.

Damn then I clicked on the link and the format is shit too One day I'll learn.

Quote: Marc P @ July 15 2012, 8:57 PM BST

Thanks for sharing it's not as it there isn't enough shit to wade through on here sometimes. I also took f**k all time to see if this post was funny or not either before posting. I feel bad now Sean because you read this but I didn't click on your link.

Damn then I clicked on the link and the format is shit too One day I'll learn.

View original

I lost you after thanks.

Cool. Don't catch up.

Quote: sootyj @ July 15 2012, 7:25 PM BST

Hi

What is this; standup? Monologue?

Some nice jokes in there. I especially like the one about sleep arguing with your siblings.

Some still isn't clearly explained. I mean the line about Polish neighbours, is that being Welsh there aren't many one Welsh people around?

Also you're not diving into the character. Act stuff out, let us hear other characters voices.

And you're making the rooky error of telling not showing. When the audience succesfully guess whatyou're talking about then you're going places.

View original

It was stand up. To be honest I didnt really know how to set it out. I will have more up fairly soon. This is my first and I will improve

It wasnt too bad

If standup you need a beTter intro

And always think setup punchline

Quote: sootyj @ July 15 2012, 11:43 PM BST

It wasnt too bad

If standup you need a beTter intro

And always think setup punchline

View original

What exactly is a setup punchline?

Put crudely you set up a situ and make a joke of the reveal of new data eg my dog has no nose setup

He smells disgusting punch

Ahh I get it now. Thanls for your help

"I always aspired to be a football player, so I took drama for my g.c.s.e's"

Start with this, I say, it's a funny joke, and very concisely laid out.

The rest of it is either sort of ancedotal, and would work if you're a good performer, but not otherwise (the sleep arguments), or sort of one liners that I don't quite get, (Tescos, Polish neighbours).

So, there's potential in evidence. If you want to do stand up, you'll be better off doing a film of yourself reciting it, with or without audience, than posting the script here, I reckon.

Yes the football joke is a neat oneliner.

Turn it round so you end on the gag, e.g. for my GCSEs I took drama.

I think you have the basis of some good stuff, but I think you should take time to expand some of the gags - turn them into 'bits' as it were. The approach and pace you're taking i.e. lots of essentially one-liners requires that each gag is a zinger - whereas your actually material is more anecdotal.
work at it some more.
And don't worry about format - that's just for scripts and sketches.