Crit please: (Not really a) Proper Girl - 1st 5pgs

Hey all, I'm a 25 womirl, this is my first ever comedy script and I'd love your feedback on it. It's the first 5 pages of a sitcom.

Here are my own insecurities, worries and general suspicions about my lack of writing talent:

Is it funny enough, are there enough laughs?
Is it long winded, is it too much of a wait to get to the amusing bits?
Is it formatted correctly? I looked up scripts on the BBC writers room but they all have their own nuances.

Don't let my own doubts about the script limit you, I'd appreciate any comments. But please remember this is my first creative comedy endeavor. I respond very well to the 'insult sandwich'...

(Not really a) Proper Girl

INT THEATRE FOYER

STEPH IS TRYING TO BUY TICKETS AT A SELF SERVICE MACHINE. IT'S BROKEN SO SHE GOES TO THE BOX OFFICE. STEPH, MID 20S, WEARING FLORAL LEGGINGS AND AN OVERSIZED T-SHIRT. BOX OFFICE GIRL,18, NOT A CONTSCIENTIOUS WORKER,SERIOUS HOXTON HIPSTER WEARING A BEIGE CROPPED FUR COAT AND AN ORANGE VISOR.

STEPH
Hi, can I get 2 tickets to Blurt?

BOX OFFICE GIRL
Sure. Thursday, Friday or Saturday?

STEPH
Monday

BOX OFFICE GIRL
The show is like, super popular. I dunno if there's even any seats left. You know Vice called it "as cool as the frozen cum icicle sticking out of an Eskimo who's been raped by a polar bear"?

STEPH
I did not know that but...

BOX OFFICE GIRL LOOKS HER UP AND DOWN AND MAKES A FACE LIKE SHE'S JUST SMELLED GONE OFF MILK. STEPH NOTICES BUT IGNORES IT

STEPH(CONT'D)
I just tried to use the machine over there but I think it's broken.

BOX OFFICE GIRL
oh?

STEPH
It won't let me book 2 seats together. It keeps saying I'm leaving a single seat.

BOX OFFICE GIRL
Oh. Yeah. It's not broken.

LONG PAUSE

STEPH
Ok, can I book the seats here then?

BOX OFFICE GIRL SWINGS ROUND A PIECE OF CARD WITH SEAT LAYOUT ON IT

BOX OFFICE GIRL
Where do you want to sit?

STEPH SHOWS HER

BOX OFFICE GIRL
No

STEPH
Sorry?

BOX OFFICE GIRL
You can't do that, you're leaving a single seat. That leaves one on its own. Not cool.

STEPH
But there's loads of single seats left in other place

BOX OFFICE GIRL
Exactly

BOX OFFICE GIRL MAKES A KNOWING PATRONISING FACE

There's too many already. We won't be able to sell them before the show.

STEPH
I'm saying I DO want to buy a seat, two seats in fact.

BOX OFFICE GIRL
Look, you can't buy these because of the whole single seat thing. Do you want me to explain it again?

STEPH
It doesn't make sense

(BOX OFFICE GIRL looks blankly)

If you want to buy 2 bananas from a bunch, that's fine. No one is concerned about the ones left behind. There's no rule for the lonely banana. The shopkeeper doesn't cause a fuss.

BOX OFFICE GIRL IS LOOKING DOWN AT A TRENDY MAGAZINE SHE'S READING

BOX OFFICE GIRL
Why would you buy 2 bananas?

STEPH
what?

BOX OFFICE GIRL IS STILL LOOKING DOWN AT HER MAGAZINE

BOX OFFICE GIRL
Why would you buy 2? If you like bananas you buy the whole bunch cos you know you'd eat them later. If you just fancy a snack then you'll only buy one.

STEPH
Ah a SINGLE banana? Shifting them isn't a problem then.

BOX OFFICE GIRL
No, it's a fruit. The seat is more like a kitten. When you buy a kitten from a cat lady, sometimes she'll only let you take them in pairs. She'll say it's cos the cats get lonely but she's really doing it because she doesn't want to get left with the one no one wants.

STEPH
So you're saying your boss has based his business model on a cat selling conspiracy? Does he also think Madeline McCann was flying the 3rd plane?

BOX OFFICE GIRL
I'm just saying you can't buy these tickets because it leaves a single seat.

STEPH SEES KITKATS AND OTHER SWEETS ON SALE AT THE COUNTER

STEPH
Ok...see those KitKats? That's the kind of approach this theatre needs to take. Nestle know what they're doing, they're catering for everyone there. Two options; the four finger and the two finger.

BOX OFFICE GIRL MAKES AN EXASPERATED FACE, SIGHS

BOX OFFICE GIRL
Look, do you want to buy any tickets? I can't sell you those two but you could buy all three.

STEPH IS ANNOYED

STEPH
Fine.

BOX OFFICE GIRL
So you want them then?

STEPH
(defeated)Yes.

BOX OFFICE GIRL'S FACE CHANGES, SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE'S ABOUT TO SAY ISN'T GOING TO GO DOWN WELL

BOX OFFICE GIRL
The guys from Channel 4 are actually coming to film this performance...we've got other groups of 3 seats available in the stalls. Row W is really convenient for getting out during the interval...

STEPH
No those seats I wanted before are fine.

BOX OFFICE GIRL
Well...the thing is, the production company kinda stipulated that... the people in the first 10 rows have to be 'TV friendly'...

STEPH INTEJECTS

STEPH
What, laugh a lot, clap enthusiastically and stuff. We can do that.

BOX OFFICE GIRL
No, like 'TV friendly' as in, they have to be good looking people.

STEPH
Good looking people?
Isn't that subjective?

BOX OFFICE GIRL
No, they've given us an exact list of criteria and you don't fit any of it. At least 5' 8", nope. Clear, fresh looking skin (squints), no I don't think so. Size 8 maximum, definitely not.

STEPH MAKES OUT LIKE THESE ARE THE TICKETS SHE WANTED TO BEGIN WITH

STEPH
Right, yeah the seats in row P

BOX OFFICE GIRL
Those seats will suit you. Ya know, only a short walk to the sweets...So that's £81.50

STEPH
Actually can I have one of the big KitKats as well?

BOX OFFICE GIRL
£83, please

STEPH PAYS AND UNWRAPS THE BAR WHILE GIRL PRINTS TICKETS

BOX OFFICE GIRL
Thanks

A LIFTS RIGHT HAND. SHE HAS FORMED A 'V' WITH THE KITKAT FINGERS SO IT LOOKS LIKE 2 CHOCOLATE FINGERS SWEARING. SHE WAGS THEM A LITTLE TOO CLOSE TO BOX OFFICE GIRL'S FACE AND WALKS OFF. PEOPLE IN THE QUEUE BACK A WAY A BIT AND LOOK ON CONFUSED.

It's amusing, it reads well, it's a bit long for the opening scene of a new sitcom; but then you can obviously fix that. Write long, then cut back to what's needed.

Also, I don't really know what this sitcom is at this point, this scene isn't telling me; does this scene add to the story of the episode? If not, cut short, get to one of the main story points quicker.

The Box Office Girl comes across as a stronger character than your lead at this point; if she's not a regular character, then this is bad; you should do something that makes the lead pop more and gives us a better sense, right from the off, of who she is, why she's going to be interesting and unique, and why we're going to want to not turn over at the end of this scene.

I agree, although the characters have their own voice I don't know whose show this is and why we're here. The formatting is good and the dialogue reads well with some funnies but from all I've learned about sitcom writing in the short time I've been doing it is that your script needs to hit the ground running if you're pitching it. Don't get bogged down in exposition and aimless bantering, show us the characters through their actions and conflict.
All that said you've got a good starting point, it feels sitcommy and has laughs.
If you're looking for inspiration and guidance then I can reccomend Marc Blakes book How not to write a sitcom it's extremely helpful in finding out what does and doesn't work and is very funny also.

Thanks so much for bothering to read this Matthew and Sean, (Matthew I keep reading your name as Michael Scott which is great because I feel like I'm being critiqued by one of my favourite comedy characters).

Sean, I've just ordered that book. Clearly I'm very easily lead, good thing I wasn't around in Germany 50 years ago. Not that I'm implying your recommendation of a book is akin to following hitler...anyway...

The sitcom to summarise is about a group of friends in their mid 20s, Steph is meant to be the lead character and is a bumbling outspoken girl who get's into socially awkward situations and is oblivious to society's rules and the idea of holding anything back. She's not into girly stuff or the way girls play games and act coy (hence the title of the show).She notices small things that annoy her, she's a bit larry david-esque. The meta theme of the show is meant to be about how being in your mid-twenties is a weird nomans land between being young and being a 'proper adult'.

Full disclosure: I originally wrote this scene as a sketch but decided it was too long. That's probably why it comes across as being a weird start to s show.

re the box office girl, I did think about having her as a recurring character called Chloe and was going to have her turn out to be the new, slightly inappropriately too young girlfriend of one of the main characters who keeps going back to uni just so he can elongate the fun of being a student. From your feedback it sounds like maybe I should persue that seeing as that would then make this scene relevant to the storyline as well.

I agree with what you're saying that it feels a bit long but having edited 4 or so times I can't see the wood for the trees and work out which bits I can cut and still get the characters nature across.

Any ideas on what you think should get the chop in here?

Perhaps I haven't done a great job of getting Stephs personality over to the viewer. It's wierd, I think because she is vaguely based on me, I've taken a lot as given without demonstrating it to the audience

P.S. It's worth mentioning I am also planning on using this script for this BAFTA competition https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/24753/

You can only submit the first 10 pages so it's even more vital that it gets to the funny quickly.

First of all I'd say no idea is necessarily a bad idea but the execution has to be spot on, especially if you're going to part with 40 quid for a competition where the standard is likely to be quite high.
As to how to do that you could probably do with plotting out the story, identifying the driving forces and the conflicts and how each character tries to get what they want. Once you've established a rhythm try to keep it going, don't let it stagnate with clunky dialouge, laboured exposition or anecdotal banter, show don't tell.
As for hitting the ground running you could liven the intro up by placing in a sense of urgency, a deadline or a limited timeframe for your lead and the box office girl throwing up obstacles causing the conflict. The haggling scene from life of Brian is a great example of this if you're looking for inspiration.
Have fun and good luck.

Quote: sean knight @ July 8 2012, 5:07 PM BST

Once you've established a rhythm try to keep it going, don't let it stagnate with clunky dialouge, laboured exposition or anecdotal banter, show don't tell.

View original

Yea, this is the biggest problem I have had.

Trying to turn funny events described by characters in to events shown happening in real-time.

Or, like Family Guy, you can just cheat and show the anecdote as a flashback. As South Park noted; these seldom have any connection with the story at hand.

I think described, 'unseen' jokes have a place, but should be spread very lightly within the script.

What the characters themselves would find funny, is not necessarily what the audience will find funny watching from the outside. Drunk scenes often fall into this trap.

The Vice quotation made me giggle, it's very well observed. I'd say the scene is a bit long, and sort of trundles round the same points for q uite a while. What might work is to intercut it with an introductory scene for another main character; it would break the scene up, and it would make the hidden leaps as the conversation gets more desperately difficult between them - "Look, imagine you wanted a banana" - funnier.

I also like the end, where the character sort of admits defeat by stumping for three seats "ugly person" by butying a KIt Kat, abnd then gets a last gasp of rebellion by making the V.

So, yes, I think this scene has lots of promise; only another 180 to go and you've written a sitcom series

I reckon if this is from another episode further into the series and not your pilot then it works better, say If we know your lead had a complex about her appearance than her U-turn on the seats she wants makes more sense and is funnier. Also more fake Vice quotes please!

@gappy Thanks for your words of encouragement, it means a lot (not just because I was ignored as a child). There's definite agreement about it being too long which I will have to work on before the deadline. Your idea of intercutting it with an intro scene for another character could really work well, then I can get rid of all the mundane bits and just go straight to the funnies.

@Vince You put into words what I already suspected but I think maybe I'm too attached to this scene now to shelve it for a later episode. I think Matthew Scott was right in that, I need to get more of Steph's personality across in this scene

@both of you. Vice just called and they said your comments were "as satisfying to read as sitting in a vibrating bath full of baked camebert with bubble wrap in one hand and the other hand locking an iphone screen with the sound on full volume"