British Comedy Guide

KISS: One-Liners Page 7

Further disappointment for G4S today as they fail to secure contract to organise the Fullers Christmas party.

AJGO and I have combined our talents* on the following:

VOX-POPS:

POSH WOMAN:
I can't wait for the TV adaption of 50 Shades of Grey; I will absolutely be using the red button.

POSH WOMAN:
An obesity jab could help weight loss. I tried it with my kid; I poked him in the belly as I said Stop. Eating. Fatty.

COCKNEY MAN:
How can using the term 'choc ice' be racist? Michel Platini is always saying 'You Wafer'

QUICK JOKES:

Glastonbury police spied on people at a political activism stall. It was only a beer stall until punters saw the prices.

Parliament closed for summer recess this week. It wasn't scheduled to, they just thought that the Olympics were such a good idea they fled the city.

The revealing of a controversial conversation between Bush and Blair looks set to be blocked by the coalition government. Now we know what they really meant by 'we're all in this together'.

Amir Khan will not retire after finding a trainer who can work wonders with a weak defence; he's hired John Terry's lawyer.

The world's lightest material has been created. It's Jimmy Carr's tax return.

* AJGO wrote the jokes, I proofread them

some from yesterday & today's news..

Ahead of the Open, Tiger Woods has described the rough at Lytham as 'very lush'. However he was far less complimentary when asked about the women he saw knocking about Blackpool itself.

David Cameron and Nick Clegg have announced the largest government investment in Britain's rail network since the Victorians. They bought Friday peak-time travel tickets on the day before departure.

Friends are said to be concerned about Sylvester Stallone's state of mind. The Rocky star has spent hours standing over his dead son repeatedly counting to nine and seven eighths.

Tulisa has been spotted poolside in Ibiza just hours before pulling out of a festival in Surrey at which she claimed she was too ill to perform. And irate fans who still wish to see Tulisa perform can do so online at www.youtube.com/tulisaperforms.

Following the security fiasco G4S chief executive Nick Buckles has admitted that he's had to hold his hands up. He was being mugged at the time in broad daylight inside the Olympic Park's high security 'Red Zone'

The French town of Anger has demanded possession of the British royal family's crown jewels. The Queen says it would be no great loss as Philip hasn't actually used them since 1983.

Tiger Woods enthusiastic about the open.
He usually scores in the rough.

"I had no idea that eating a choc ice was an act of cannibalism!"

Sylvester stallone's son sage has died.
Still at least he's got his other son, onion.

Tiger Woods declared today he'd prefer to have two claret jugs in his hands than any number of green jackets.

I've saved a fortune giving my kids money
I just told them the toothfairies subcontracted G4S

There has been astonishment that Dubya has published a book on saving the US.
Who thought he could even read?

KAtie Holmes has announced today that she has cancelled her order for a nine hundred thousand pound Jaguar C-X75 as she realised it came with Cruise Control as standard.

A leaked memo from the metropolitan police has shown that a large number of personnel and police dogs are undergoing re-training prior to filling the Olympic security shortfall. They are now being trained to NOT chase after fast running black people.

After being banned from watching TV by scientologist whack job Cruise
I'm dleighted to see the reunion of Katie Holmes and Watson TV

After the shambles that was G4 , the Famous 5 have won their bid to stage the 2020 Olmypics on Kirrin Island!

In breaking news David Cameron has been visiting British forces in Afghanistan this week, but was very clear to point out that he didn't want special treatment this time... and go to the front of the line!

Now that texting has overtaken talking as our preferred way of communication, Sir Cliff Richard has decided to release his single 'We Don't Talk Anymore And Your Texts Never Make Any Sense Carrie'

The olympic torch is to be carried through the streets of Kirrin Island today by Uncle Quentin sitting in a sedan chair. He was quoted as saying he would be buggered* if he'd stand on ceremony.

*
Blowed
Damned
Darned

It was revealed today that they originally asked DIrty Den to carry the Olympic torch through Albert Square. But he declined saying that his career had already suffered too much from over exposure.

Only just spotted this thread - so heres one I came up with a couple of days ago...

So, John Terry's been found not guilty. Of course we'd have none of this trouble if they'd hurry up with this 'foulmouth technology' they keep going on about.

This bad weather we've been having - it's a bit of a pisser...

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