God damn it.
KISS: One-Liners Page 2
Open letter to Andy Murray.
"Dear Mr. Murray,
A few days ago I joined a somewhat-cliquey, but generally friendly British comedy website. I uploaded my script, and everyone said it was crud. I critiqued some other people's work, and nobody said anything.
Therefore, I instead decided to try my hand at a few one-liners.
A fella, who once had a Times-#1 best-seller, read my one-liners (by the way, '#1' means 'Number 1'; something you obviously won't know anything about, because you are always 'Number 4', or some shit). Anyway, his critique was, and I quote, "Oh dear".
Not to be deterred, I tried again, and finally received some "pozitiv crit" for a joke made entirely at your expense:
Quote: SimonWing @ July 6 2012, 9:24 PM BST(1) Wimbledon organisers have admitted that there is a fault with the Centre Court scoreboard; where it can only count up to three sets.
"This obviously won't be an issue for the ladies' final" said a Wimbledon spokesperson... "... or the men's".
The premise of this joke is, of course, that while I respect your ability to be consistently "up there" in one of the world's most demanding and competitive sporting circuits, you seem to have developed a habit of becoming completely and inexplicably gash when faced with a Grand Slam final.
Imagine my disappointment then, when I logged into the BBC website to find that, not only did you win the first set and thus ruin my joke, but it seems you then reverted back to the "John Inman holding a frying pan"-level of tennis that has characterized your previous Grand Slam final appearances.
You will win exactly the same number of Grand Slams as I will, and I wasn't even trying*.
Yours sincerely/faithfully/whatever,
Simon Wingate
* Yea, I know you've got loads more money, and stuff"
Andy Murray changed his image from that of a dour Scot by showing real emotion at Wimbledon. It turns out some tube had stolen his bottle of post-match Buckfast.
"I can't see the point of Orange marches! I mean, why get militant when you can simply switch to Vodafone?"
"Staging a Gay Pride march without floats is madness... what with all the rain we've been having!"
"I wonder if Federer's prize money'll end up in a Swiss bank account?"
"There's one institution that's more flawed than the House of Lords... it's called the Liberal Democrats."
"The CoE can get rid of racist clergymen with four simple words - Christ was an ethnic!"
"HIV home testing kits are gonna be revolutionary! I'm telling you - foreplay's never gonna be the same again!"
"Instead of filming a biopic about Paul Raymond, they should've chosen someone more deserving... like Ben Dover!"
"I'm surprised the Americans are willing to hand over the Price tapes. Obviously they're not as fond of fake tits as we are!"
like the 'Orange' gag groovydude!
I'm not surprised Andy Murray had tears in his eyes after being Rogered for 3 and a half hours
Cern scientists have found the Higgs Boson. It was down the back of the Higgs Sofa, along with the Higgs Car Keys and The Higgs Boiled Sweet covered in fluff.
You'd have to assume with the way Bradley Wiggins swore and ranted about recent drug taking rumours, that it pretty much rules out marijuana.
It was one hundred years since the titanic this year - and I've still got that bloody song stuck in my head!
I thought Jimmy Carr couldn't do more TV shows than he already does but now he's on Secret Millionaire!
If Jimmy Carrs tax case goes to court it'll be the only case in history that exhibit A will be the radio times
The real victim of Murrays loss at Wimbledon is topical comedy shows. Now they have to deal with thousands of "he's British - oh he lost he's Scottish" jokes
"Oxford University have reduced the tuition fees of their poorest students... i.e. the middle class ones!"
"Replacing Chris Moyles with Nick Grimshaw's like trading pubic lice for gonorrhoea!"
"John Terry donates money to Africans. White ones - presumably!"
"Florence Welch has lost her voice after hearing something snap. Which is ironic - as every time I hear her voice - I feel myself snap!"
"Keep your eye on the ball? More like - keep your eye on the bail!"
"Six months in prison for pinching a woman's bottom? The thief got off lightly!"
"If the coalition wanna take away wealthy pensioners' benefits... first they'll have to take away the Queen's prerogative!"
"Last night I got the shock of my life! You won't believe this right - but Big Brother's still on the telly!"
"Apparently, drinking loads of cranberry juice can prevent urine infections... as well as making your piss smell of cranberry."
"If steroid use continues to double each year... Britain's aggregate bollock size is gonna plummet!"
"The Isle of Man's opposed to independence... or should that be the Isle of Manchild?"
Quote: SimonWing @ July 6 2012, 9:24 PM BST(OK, this time I have seen that these are topical-only)
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(1) Wimbledon organisers have admitted that there is a fault with the Centre Court scoreboard; where it can only count up to three sets.
"This obviously won't be an issue for the ladies' final" said a Wimbledon spokesperson... "... or the men's".
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(
A pretty much perfect joke, well worth sending to news revue or who ever else is buying oneliners these days.
Quote: SimonWing @ July 6 2012, 9:24 PM BST((2) After a spate of attacks in China and the US, where people have been eaten alive, it has been confirmed that the feared zombie apocalypse has now spread to Norwich North.
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I get where this joke is going, by why Norwich North?
A good set up in search of a punchline.
[quote name="SimonWing" post="890704" date="July 6 2012, 9:24 PM BST(4) Irish scientists were disappointed in the news that CERN had discovered the Higgs Boson.
"We tried colliding two protons at high speeds many times, but couldn't create a Higgs Boson" said Dr Paddy O'Geady. "It just made a mess..."
"We even asked the guys in the factory over in Malaysia to add turbo-chargers, but it didn't work" he added.[/quote]
Is the joke here Irish scientists are too stupid to know how to create a Higgs Bosun?
That seems a little simple and its too distant from the actual joke.
Personally I'd go with.
Irish Scientists abandoned the search for identical particles with no substance.
After a horrible accident lead to the creation of Jedwad.
You're jokes are enviably neat and end where they're supposed to. But I think you need to work harder at hammering out what the funny point is a news story.
(1) Wimbledon organisers have admitted that there is a fault with the Centre Court scoreboard; where it can only count up to three sets.
"This obviously won't be an issue for the ladies' final" said a Wimbledon spokesperson... "...or the men's".
A pretty much perfect joke, well worth sending to news revue or who ever else is buying one-liners these days.
Unfortunately, it's ruined forever - from a "3-set" point-of-view at least.
If he ever wins: After the ladies' final you could have the engraver frantically writing Serena Williams's name on the ladies's plate, and handing it over to the Wimbledon official in time for the ceremony. He then would calmly turn to the men's trophy. In the next scene, Murray would then be seen celebrating with the trophy, and looking closely at the names to see "Roger Federer" hammered-out, and "aNdy mUrrAy" quickly/messily written underneath.
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(2) After a spate of attacks in China and the US, where people have been eaten alive, it has been confirmed that the feared zombie apocalypse has now spread to Norwich North.
I get where this joke is going, by why Norwich North?
A good set up in search of a punchline.
Chloe Smith MP(Conservatives - Norwich North) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4wGp9UoXLc
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(3) Irish scientists were disappointed in the news that CERN had discovered the Higgs Boson.
"We tried colliding two protons at high speeds many times, but couldn't create a Higgs Boson" said Dr Paddy O'Geady. "It just made a mess..."
"We even asked the guys in the factory over in Malaysia to add turbo-chargers, but it didn't work" he added.
Is the joke here Irish scientists are too stupid to know how to create a Higgs Bosun?
That seems a little simple and its too distant from the actual joke.
Well
2; Chloe Smith? Aah now I see, but that's way too much of a leap to be practically workable.
3: I see the joke but I usually get enough joke explanations.
But this one was a little obscure, not to mention its a but confused by the original reference to mess.
Maybe something neater would be;
"Korean car giant Proton saved from foreclosure, after Irish scientists crash 2000 of their cars together."
Not especially funny, but all the elements are there and no distractors?
Accidental pun.
G4 security at Olympic stadium shoot a man for using his chip and pin card without a piece of fish.
Theresa May has said pulling 3500 troops from Afghanistan to defend the olympics won't affect the war on terror.
Alongisde british troops Al Quaeda will be working for G4 security,
Gypsies who kidnap homeless people as slave labour sentenced to 10 years.
Developing new goverment work fare policy.
Quote: sootyj"Korean car giant Proton saved from foreclosure, after Irish scientists crash 2000 of their cars together."
Same joke, but a nice neat presentation. I added the "turbochargers/Malaysia" in order to try and suggest Proton cars, without actually mentioning them.
I was probably too subtle, as I used to live in Kuala Lumpur.
PS: 'Proton' are definitely Malaysian, by the way. Although they often get grouped together as "crap Pacific-Rim cars", along with the Korean ones (Daewoo, Hyundai, KIA etc).
Jeremy Clarkson about a Malaysian car: ...built by "jungle people who wear leaves as shoes".
The trick for me with gag writing is what I call "word knocking" you literally want to lose every single surplus word. And end on the punchline.
And don't have anything that distracts from your goal.
Kinda like f**king a penguin, but with less fish involved.
nb not checking facts or editing properly is my biggest failing as a failing comedy writer.
Guys, just bloody work on them. Predicting the outcome of something was never going to work especially as the thing will go out three weeks at least afterwards anyway. Take the kernel of the joke and you know.. 'craft' it. I am witty as shit topically in the pub that night... but three or four weeks later you have to be better! 
I've no interested in getting anything on the show.
I just like dicking about with gags and honing my art.
It's about the only thing I have even a scintilla of talent in.