Quote: Steve1990 @ July 6 2012, 6:44 PM BSTBy the way, the squinty eyes I said about was meant to refer to her watching me like a hawk
Thread delivers, actually laughed out loud.
First stand up jokes - tests Page 2
If this thread isn't a wind up, then I'm afraid my advice would be find a drawing board and go back to it. Ditch this entirely - racist or not (actually it is) it breaks the first rule of comedy "Be funny".
You say you know what is funny, yet this is not - neither the concept (foreigner tries to sell me a pen) nor the language. To be a good comedian you need to learn to edit and to be hard on yourself. That is my best advice to everyone.
There has been a lot of honest (brutally so) criticism here, but I think we shouldn't be quite so disparaging to a brand new writer. There are ways of saying things that suggest light at the end of the tunnel, rather than slamming a metophorical door in someones' face.
OP- I recommend googling up some joke writing conventions. Although it's obvious that the one liner setup-punchline gag isn't really your bag, it's helpful to learn as it's lessons are universal. As I mentioned overpage and someone else echoed, humour generally comes from the unexpected; this doesn't necessarily mean saying "and then I got off the bus" every 20 seconds, but most stand up routines live and die by this. Even shock comics who push these boundaries you like the look of, do this; you wouldn't hear Frankie Boyle doing a funyn voice- he would usually find a much more unexpected way of saying the same thing.
What I would recommend is distilling your idea down and thenexploring it. Get an A3 piece of paper and write down the idea in 3 or four words in the middle. From that, draw three or 4 branches and then for each of those write one reason why it is funny. The from each of those branches, draw three or four more branches and write a related idea for each. The idea is to try to find an angle that hasn't been done before, and one that is original to you. Learning how to format jokes is the easy bit, finding an original and accessible comedy voice is the bit that takes work and ingenuity.
Nat wicks - thank you for trying to help, ill try your advice and see what I get. Its strange to see how once persons interpretation of what I wrote can be completely different to anothers, however after that long list if people basically saying im a racist moron its kinda putting me off asking anyone for advice because other than nat, none of them are constructive. This was a first draft and by the time it was actually performed it would of changed, and also been changed again once I performed. But thank you all either way...
I don't understand why as-yet unseen stand-up comedians post anecdotal stand-up routines in text form. They usually always look crap.
Some of my favourite bits of stand-up (Izzard going on about supermarkets/fruit/pears, Connolly moaning about toblerones/wildebeest etc.) would look kinda "meh" in textual form also.
Delivery is 99% of the game, for anyone going for the anecdotal style. Sure, scatter-gun one liners could maybe be judged on here, for those in the Jimmy Carr style (not a fan of that kind of stuff myself), but until you have seen an anecdotal comedian performing, it's impossible to imagine how these stories would be delivered.
I doubt Steven Merchant podcast stories look particularly interesting on paper. Yet, when you add his self-effacing way of looking back on his desperate and nerdy adolescence, they become somewhat entertaining.
A lot of Lord Bill Hicks' stuff would look on the page as a lot of true, but not particularly funny political/social venting. Add his timing, voices, self-reflecting pauses, facial expressions and amazing ability to making sound-effects with a microphone, and you have gold. Ditto, George Carlin with great speed and energy, and ability to offload huge lists of examples in a very entertaining manner.
Great anecdotal comedians could make almost any trivial daily routine/event funny.
Hell, on a good day, they could probably make the OP funny 
Agreed to a point but ultimately the art of writing comedy is to develop the most engrossing, entertaining and hilarious anecdote you can. That's the value of writing your material, you can look at each joke and work out how it can be written more succinctly, more cleverly and more funnily. I don't know if you've read Stewart Lee's book but his Ang Lee bit (which I hadn't seen before then) on paper was laugh out loud funny. Look at how hilarious Woody Allan's books are. Yes stand-up and written jokes are two different mediums, and yes anecdotes certainly lose something on paper and yes it's harder to make a joke just as funny on paper as it is delivered but that's the point. It's about writing something to be as funny as it possibly can be.
Steve1990 - no one is trying to slag you off/ call you racist, we are trying to be critically helpful. In stand-up comedy you will have nights where you do five minutes to silence, it happens. And it hurts. But you shouldn't be defensive about criticism, because that is part of what stand-up is, about being judged on whether you're funny or not. All I tried to do is express honest feedback (it was rushed because I was leaving work). The point is you want to do stand-up because you want to make people laugh. So keep writing until you hit on something brilliant - that you know is brilliant. It takes time and you will write a lot of things that don't work until you write something that does. The major mistake a lot of new comedians make is they think of an idea that they think is funny and then they present it to an audience, not realising that the connections in their head might be missing when they tell the audience - so the audience doesn't come to the same conclusion as you do. Basically what I'm saying is don't just assume the audience will laugh where you want them to laugh until you've gone through all the angles and can see, as an audience member, looking at this piece of paper why the punch line turns and surprises.
That's my two cents
Two cents don't get you a pen with a light on it monkey man!
I'd also think that at least trying to present the material in a more-pleasing manner would help a lot.
While spelling and grammar don't add instant credibility, a lack of it will be an instant negative for the reader. It suggests a lack of care and clarity of thought.
Plus, it would make these anecdotes, scenes (etc.) much easier for the reader to follow.
In these days where machines can basically do spelling/formatting/grammar for you, it's amazing how people can put material into the public domain without even trying to present the idea properly; regardless of content.
Quote: Marc P @ July 7 2012, 11:34 AM BSTTwo cents don't get you a pen with a light on it monkey man!
Iiittsss ooonnlyyy aaaa poouuunnnd anyway
No one has called you a racist moron.
To be a good comedian one needs a thicker skin; and absolutely self-awareness. Critique and criticism need to be embraced and accepted - it is how comedians get better. Denying it and taking it personally will not help anyone develop at all.
Tear it up and start again is the best advice to many many would be writers.
I don't think it's racist. It is stereotype humour however and wouldn't go over well in the states, I don't know about the u.k. I wouldn't submit stand up in written form though because 90% of stand up is in the delivery. No one can tell you if a stand up bit is funny by reading it. I know their will be some who disagree.All you need, to know if some thing is funny is if it gets laughs at comedy clubs.Don't put to much stock into what you hear on here. I'd let an audience decide if I was funny before I'd let anyone on here decide. If you want technical feed back then you have to find another comedian who watches your sets live, who you respect and you know will be honest with you.Another comedian can tell you if the set up isn't quite right or if you're off on your beats. If you haven't done an open mic yet, do it! That is where you find out if you're funny. Not on an internet forum. Don't sell yourself short without letting a crowd hear it.
Quote: Big Jack @ July 9 2012, 1:17 PM BSTNo one has called you a racist moron.
You missed a comma.
Quote: Stylee TingTingIf this had been posted by a certain couple of regular posters on here, they would have had their coterie of sycophants haw-hawing at the proto-postmodernist satirical irony..
..but you're not them, so you're shafted.
Definitely.
Quote: SimonWing @ July 12 2012, 1:28 PM BSTDefinitely.
Oh I quite agree.
Quote: Steve1990 @ July 5 2012, 1:42 PM BSTokay, so this is my first post on this site and anxious to get some tips on what I have written. also when I show the woman talking I would be doing a chinese accent
before I start, I would really appreciate some advice on how to actually start my routine, I know what I want to write about and whats funny(what I think is anyway) but not sure how to actually introduce myself and start up.
okay...
ive got to say, accents are just wonderful devices, they define us and how others will react to us..i went in to maplins recently and was greeted by a strange chinese woman, all I heard was "herroooo".. I greeted her the same as I do to all the big issue sellers I see on the high street, completely ignored them(laugh)
i got what I wanted and went to the queue which was empty... I could see the same woman watching me walk through the isles(while saying that im squinting my eyes and moving my head left to right with a huge smile on my face)(small laughs)
"herro again"..just that please, this is when I nearly crapped myself, she shouted.."would you like to buy a pen with light on it!?!?"...no im okay thanks..she was persistant, are you suurrreee??, YES IM SURE, you can see in the dark with iittt? (laugh)
now, im thinkingthat's what bulbs and torches are for? anyway...again im saying no, but she won't stop! itttsss onllyyy aaaa poundddd!. okay im starting to get pissed off by this time and just said NO.
Then, after all that being nice...she suddenly hates me, all because what I wanted was around 2 pound and I had no change. as soon as she sees my card shes like...eeewww..i swear she had a face like she was going to put a chinese curse on me!!
whats annoying is the light isnt even on the writing end! even if I did come to the situation where I couldn't wait until electric is sorted, I still can't bloody write anyway!!
okaythat's just one joke..i know its quite in depth and has a lot of back and forth but when its actually spoken it does make sense.
These jokes fail on 2 vital fronts.
1 First of all the subject is both dated and not especially funny. Funny Chinese accents? C'mon man even Jim Davidson's doing gags about gay marriage and Muesli.
2 They're way to verbose and over explained. Less words and less explanations.
So sorry I'd say try again.
Baby Bambi does better stand up than this...