[Archive/library looking set. HISTORIAN talking across little table to HUSBAND & WIFE]
HISTORIAN: So, having delved into your family history, and shaken the skeletons from their cosy cupboards, we found some very interesting things. Bertha, we were talking about how your grandmother loved knitting, but did you know that her grandparents were crofters about 20 miles from Dunvegan on the isle of Skye, and that the lady of the house worked preparing wool?
WIFE: No.
HISTORIAN: That's when she got a free moment, anyway, with no fewer than 12 children running round the house.
HUSBAND: Gosh.
HISTORIAN: And, even more interestingly, we dug a bit deeper and found that their great- grandparents - that would be your great-great-great-great-grandparents, Bertha - were newts.
WIFE: How fascinating. I had no idea.
HISTORIAN: Yes. Crested newts from the other side of Skye, not all that far from Portree.
WIFE: In a way, I can't say I'm surprised. I've always felt newty. I've said it before, haven't I, Steve?
HUSBAND: No.
WIFE: Yes, sure I have. Last week, in Somerfield's, I'm sure I mentioned it. So, I have newt blood, fancy that.
HISTORIAN: And you never knew till today! Now, perhaps you might be interested in taking a look at some newt memorabilia we have for up for grabs in our little shop...
[Fade sound]
PRESENTER: [VO] Tonight, on Truthalator, we look at genealogy, and the shocking claims that it may be the most crooked industry in Britain today.
[Cut to stupid looking MAN]
MAN: Yeah. I went to see one of those family history types, and he said my grandfather was a bald Cossack and my granny was an Austin Allegro. I thought it was odd, because I'd just seen them that morning. But, you know, I figured they knew best.
[Cut to moors]
REPORTER: [Walking into shot] It was on these moors in the 9th century that invading Viking bloodlines began to mix with that of the local Saxon natives to father those rugged workmen who toiled to mine iron ore from the living earth all the way up to the 1920s. Or was it? According to one genealogist we consulted, the entire North York Moors was inhabited by the forebears of our production assistant, who were Welsh Tunisians who had fled French oppression in the first biplanes. Sadly, every year thousands of Britons part with hard-earned money for tales equally as tall. We spoke to one prominent genealogist.
[Cut to shadowed figure]
PRESENTER: [VO] We have agreed to keep their identity a secret - although we can reveal their great aunt was a close friend of Picasso.
SHADOW: It's a scam, simple as that. People are so gullible, you see: family trees are the new seances. For example, I told some gargantuan white bloke this morning that his daughter was an elegant Nubian princess. He fell right for it!
[Scuffle off camera. THUG barrels in]
THUG: Oi! I've been thinking about you said about my daughter being black. It doesn't add up. I don't have a daughter.
SHADOW: [Nervous] Ah, yes, well you see, the thing about that is, err -
THUG: I mean, that's amazing! I never even knew! I came to give you a tip [Thrust a handful of notes at SHADOW]. Alright, bye. 'Ere, it's a bit dingy in here, isn't it? I'll just turn the light on [Light comes on to reveal ex-SHADOW leaping wildly out of shot]
[Cut to PRESENTER, in a bath]
PRESENTER: But, there's more to this trend than mere back street rip-off merchants, as we discovered when we visited a Baptist genealogist in Tring. As is so often the case, we apologise for the poor quality of this on-the-scene footage, but our cameraman is an alcoholic.
[Cut to grainy footage of UNDERCOVER REPORTER and VICAR in office]
VICAR: Mr. Smith, we have done some research, and we can quite categorically say, without a shadow of a doubt, that your family can be traced back to one couple.
UNDERCOVER REPORTER: Oh, really?
VICAR: Yes. We discovered in our records that your forebears were quite the celebrities of the day, named...Adam and Eve. They're my ancestors too, you know - hey, we're related! It's all here in our exhaustive records [Gets out a little pocket Bible]. That will be £1200, please, as agreed. For the, err, church roof.
UNDERCOVER REPORTER: Well, I'm not sure about...
VICAR: Come on! Don't turn your back on family!
[Cut back to PRESENTER, cleaning is teeth]
PRESENTER: We asked a consumer advisor whether these genealogists were breaking any laws.
[Cut to EXPERT]
EXPERT: Well, it's a grey area. They've done their homework, this breed. Most contracts have small print stating that genealogy is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't call it fraud. Suing them would be like suing those people who make candy cigarettes because they don't give you cancer. Anyway, really a person's ancestry is of no importance whatsoever - what matters is-
INTERVIEWER: [Off] Who you are on the inside.
EXPERT: No, no, reincarnation. Want me to regress you to past lives? Tenner.
[Cut to PRESENTER getting into bed]
PRESENTER: Good night.
