Thanks for the feedback. Here's the whole episode as prepared for the Sitcom Trials.
Changed the premise slightly as I felt the whole Best Man thing didn't have legs so it's more open ended now.
int.flat.evening
KEVIN is sitting on the sofa with a laptop on his knee. LUKE enters from the bedroom with a towel wrapped around his waist and holding a hairbrush like a microphone.
LUKE
(Singing to the tune of YMCA)
Chee-sy Daves house, I'm gonna get some at Chee-sy Daves house
KEVIN
Please stop!
LUKE
(Still singing)
They've got lads in tight jeans, they've got condoms and stuff, they've got loads of amazing drugs
KEVIN
Enough!
LUKE stops singing and brushes his hair while looking in the mirror.
LUKE
Lighten up Bruv, I'm just getting in the mood is all.
KEVIN
There is something seriously wrong with you, do you know that?
LUKE
Stop being so close-minded. I'm merely exploring my sexuality.
KEVIN
No, you're amorally ticking boxes on your perverse little list.
LUKE
Potayto, potarto.
KEVIN
Like a gay guy won't be able to suss your little ploy in five minutes.
LUKE stops brushing and turns around
LUKE
Gay? I don't want to have sex with a gay bloke.
KEVIN
What?
LUKE
This has to be a challenge, an adventure for both parties. I don't want some old hand showing me the ropes. I need fresh meat.
KEVIN
You're winding me up?
LUKE
I've never been more serious.
KEVIN
So let's pretend that you really are and that you somehow manage to convince a single straight bloke.....
LUKE
I'm not fussy
KEVIN
....to have sex with you. What do you do next? Do you have any idea?
LUKE
Can't be that hard.
KEVIN
(Feigned disinterest)
That'll be the problem.
LUKE pulls on a pair of jeans
LUKE
Probably like that scene in Scum,
kevin
Right
luke
but without the kidney punches.
KEVIN
I imagine so.
LUKE
I mean don't get me wrong, I don't want anyone to get too comfortable, this being a one off and all.
KEVIN
(sarcastic)
Yeah, I can see how that would be awkward.
LUKE walks over to the sofa and stands behind KEVIN
LUKE
Actually, if you want to help, you could get some instructional videos up on that thing.
KEVIN
Er, no and never.
LUKE
Oh don't play the innocent with me, that hard drive's probably full of digital sausage fests.
KEVIN
Just go and get ready!
LUKE
Come on, I've seen that DVD on the shelf, the one with the cowboys....
KEVIN
(embarrassed)
That's Amys
LUKE
..and the time machine car thingy.
KEVIN sighs. His mobile phone rings and he answers it.
KEVIN
(talking on phone)
Hi...yeah we'll be down in a bit....Ha!....Laters!
luke
(mocking)
"Laters" Just tell her you like her you soft twat.
KEVIN
You've got two minutes or I'm going without you.
LUKE walks off to the bedroom to get ready
Luke
Alright. Honestly mate, you need to loosen up.
KEVIN
You might want to practice that line.
INT.KITCHEN - EVENING
KEVIN is standing alone holding a bottle of beer and playing with his phone. LUKE enters.
LUKE
What are you doing?
KEVIN
I'm just waiting for Amy to get here.
LUKE takes KEVINS bottle of beer from him and downs the contents he then hands it back to KEVIN
BEAT
KEVIN
Thanks.
LUKE
Stop moping around in here, I need a Wing Man, things aren't quite going to plan.
KEVIN
So plan B is to get me to help you pull a straight bloke? Forget it.
LUKE
Look, the problem is all this skirt knocking around. It's like they're conspiring against me.
KEVIN
What!?
LUKE
Straight up! It's like they've hacked into my internet history to see what turns me on and dressed accordingly.
KEVIN
So just give it up and chase the "skirt". It's a stupid idea anyway.
LUKE
No, this has to happen, I'm not missing out again.
KEVIN
Again?
LUKE
Thailand, two thousand and five. Thought she was a ladyboy.
KEVIN
Right, I get it.
LUKE
(reflective)
...but she just turned out to be like all the rest.
AMY enters and approaches KEVIN and LUKE
LUKE
Ever felt relieved and disappointed at the same time?
AMY
Hello you!
KEVIN
Hi! This is..
AMY hugs LUKE and kisses him on the cheek. LUKE stares at AMY
AMY
Luke! Nice to meet you, I'm Amy in case you hadn't guessed.
LUKE
(frustrated)
Perfect! Can this get any harder?
LUKE walks off
AMY
Something I said?
KEVIN
He'll be fine, he's on a bit of a mission. You look amazing by the way.
AMY
This? Oh it's just some old thing I threw on at the last minute.
KEVIN
Ah, that explains why you're three hours late.
AMY giggles shyly.
BEAT
KEVIN
So...shall I get you a drink?
AMY
Er..yeah, okay.
KEVIN
Back in a minute.
KEVIN walks off. LUKE enters, he is trying not to look at AMY
LUKE
Kevin about?
AMY
He's gone to get some drinks, are you okay?
LUKE
Fine, fine, just er.
AMY
Are you sure? There's no problem?
LUKE
Yep, just keep those *things* out of my view and we'll be fine.
KEVIN enters holding two drinks.
KEVIN
What's the matter?
AMY
Your brother is an arsehole!
AMY storms off. KEVIN stares angrily at LUKE
LUKE
Thank God for that. Ah, cheers Bruv!
LUKE takes a bottle off of KEVIN and downs it in one.
KEVIN
That was for Amy!
LUKE
My bad.
LUKE hands the empty bottle to KEVIN and takes the other bottle from him.
LUKE
Thought I was onto something there with the bloke in the vest.
KEVIN
Are you for real?! You screw my chances with Amy and you think I want to listen to your crap.
LUKE
But it turns out he's actually, properly gay.
KEVIN
Are you listening to me?
LUKE
I mean at this point I'm thinking "Will anything do?" you know, just to get it over and done with.
KEVIN
I'm going to find Amy.
LUKE
But then he starts talking about pills and hot tubs and I start thinking this is all getting a bit "Barrymore"-ish.
AMY enters, she is upset.
KEVIN
Amy? What's wrong?
AMY
It's my brother, Liam, he's in a bit of a state, his girlfriend just dumped him and he's getting hammered.
KEVIN
Oh, that's......bad.
AMY
I need to speak to her but she's stormed off, can you keep an eye on him?
LUKE perks up suddenly.
KEVIN
Of course...
LUKE
Of course I can.
AMY
You?
KEVIN
Err, I don't think.....
LUKE
Kevin doesn't think you should go out there on your own, lots of dodgy characters about, he'll take care of you.
AMY
Do you mind, Kevin.
BEAT
KEVIN
No, not at all.
AMY
I'll just go and get him. Thanks, Luke.
LUKE
My pleasure
AMY leaves
LUKE
I love it when a plan comes together.
KEVIN
You evil bastard!
LUKE
What? I get my cruise on, you get to spend time with Amy....
KEVIN
And Liam?
LUKE
Who?
KEVIN
Amys brother! The poor kid you're planning to sodomise.
LUKE
It'll be fine, his girlfriend will probably take him back tomorrow.
KEVIN
Unbelievable!
LUKE
I know! Isn't it great? Hey, got any rubbers?
BEAT
KEVIN
No.
LUKE
Come on Kev, think of poor Liam.
KEVIN hesitates a moment longer then takes out his wallet and hands LUKE a condom.
To be continued
INT.FLAT.MORNING
KEVIN is sitting on the sofa eating a bowl of cereal. LUKE enters from the bedroom, walking stiffly.
KEVIN
Does it hurt?
LUKE
(sitting down carefully)
Argh, argh, ow!
KEVIN
Good, I hope it hurts like hell.
LUKE
Don't you think I've been through enough?
KEVIN
Not nearly.
BEAT
LUKE
This is all your fault.
KEVIN
Oh no no no, you do not get to blame me for this one.
LUKE
All you had to do was keep Mary Poppins busy while I closed the deal with Leroy.
KEVIN
Can you hear yourself?
LUKE
But no. Kevin had to have a "consciense". Kevin had to "tell" his "fag" "hag" everything.(BEAT)"!"
KEVIN
This again?
LUKE
And then you thought "Hey, why don't I get Xena, f**king, warrior princess in on the act?"
KEVIN
You were trying to sleep with her boyfriend.
LuKE
Ex! Ex! As in no longer, as in fair, f**king, game!
BEAT
LUKE
Really they should be thanking me.
KEVIN
Here we go.
LUKE
I mean it, I re-ignited the flame of passion in their moribund coupling.
KEVIN pats LUKE on the back which causes LUKE lots of pain.
KEVIN
Well done you.
LUKE breathes in then grabs his side and winces.
LUKE
(in pain)
He's got his hands full with her though.
KEVIN
More than he would have had.
LUKE
Alright Oscar! Kick a man while he's down.
KEVIN
I was tempted.
LUKES phone beeps. He looks at it.
LUKE
Vest-Gay. Hot-tub and pills are still on the menu if I'm interested.
KEVIN
(bored)
And?
LUKE hesitates then puts the phone away.
LUKE
Nah!
KEVIN stares at LUKE munching his cereal slowly and deliberately while he does so.
LUKE
What? (beat) I'm not up to it? (beat) You think I haven't got the bottle? (beat) Right! I'll show you you guileless little stay at home ponce. I'm going to pop my Kiwi andtick that box before the sun goes down.
LUKE tries to get up off the sofa but ends up collapsing on the floor.
BEAT
LUKE
(agony)
Arghhhh! A little help here, brother.
Without looking KEVIN throws a condom over to LUKE.
BEAT
LUKE
(groans)
Thank you.
END
