British Comedy Guide

Skit Comp 11 - 18.6.12

Sleek wank, so congratulations to STEVE SUNSHINE and GAPPY for winning. Get ludicrously yet legitimately poo-faced and PM me once apiss for next week's topic.
Hence:

Points - Votes - Name

10 - 2 - Steve Sunshine, Gappy
5 - 1 - Overlay, AngieBaby

Your new subject: BAD LUCK

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 18.6.12

Overall Leader Board is now:

Position - Points - Name

1 - 16- Overlay, Gappy, Steve Sunshine
2 - 15 - Shandonbelle
3 - 10 - Ishy, Michael Monkhouse
4 - 6 - AngieBaby
5 - 5 - Otterfox
6 - 1 - Shirl the Whirl, JackDaniels2, Nigel Kelly

PS Check out the hall of fame in the thread called, um, Hall of Fame.

Old Chap: My wife's left me.

Old Chap's Mate: Bad luck old chap.

Old Chap: I think it was good luck really.

O.C's Mate: Why's that, then.

Old Chap: I checked on the web, Black widows usually eat their mates.

O.C's Mate: Oh, I see. Yes, in that case I must concur, really it was good luck wasn't it, old chap?

Old Chap: Not really, it was only a blow job.

O.C's Mate: Why did she leave you, then?

Old Chap: Saving me for later, I suppose.

O.C's Mate: Aaah, good luck now, but bad luck later, eh?

Old Chap: Well, not really.

O.C's Mate: Why's that, then?

Old Chap: There won't be any "later"

O.C's Mate: Why ever not, I'd give it one.

Old Chap: Cos' she bit me bollocks off for coming on her web.

[Cafe atmos]

BRIDGET: So, I said to Pearl, "They never get better, Pearl," I said, "they never get better. So just keep kick them in the face and shove them in the coal shed"

GLENDA: Very true. So, how's your Lionel?

BRIDGET: Oh, same old same old. The other day, you'll never believe, he - oh! Look, there's Steve, I've not seen him for, oooh, just simply ages. Steve! Steve, come and join us.

STEVE: Oh, hi ladies.

BRIDGET: Steve, do you know Glenda? Glenda, Steve; Steve, Glenda.

GLENDA: Afternoon

STEVE: Good to meet you. So, have you been keeping well, Bridget?

BRIDGET: Mustn't complain - but I might anyway! [laughs] And what about you, I haven't seen you for, well I was just telling Glenda, wasn't I Glenda, oooh, just simply ages?

STEVE: Not too good actually Brenda, I'm sorry to say.

BRIDGET: Oh no, Steve! What's happened?

STEVE: I'd rather not talk -

GLENDA: A problem shared is a problem halved Steven.

BRIDGET: Yes, so they say. Although in this case perhaps, thirded?

GLENDA: No, halved. Otherwise it would get ridiculous.

BRIDGET: Now, Steve, I won't take no for an answer. You just tell us about it. We're good listeners.

STEVE: Well, I lost my job about a year ago and -

GLENDA: You want to be careful Steven, the devil makes work for idle hands.

BRIDGET: Chance'd be a fine thing!

GLENDA: Ooh, saucy!

STEVE: Yes. Well, it didn't stop there. We had a big fire at home literally the day the insurance ran out, which was challenging but worst of all, my sister caught viral pneumonia and somehow she just seemed to fade away. Eventually it took her from us.

GLEDA: [to BRIDGET] Went out with wet hair.

STEVE: I'm sorry?

GLENDA: [to STEVE] So you should be, did you even offer her a hat?

STEVE: Look - Glenda was it? - you don't even catch a cold from going out with wet hair, let alone viral pneumonia; it's a virus, unsurprisingly. The colder it is, the less likelihood of the virus surviving, if you really want to know. Anyway, I think it's fair to say I've had my share of bad luck recently.

GLENDA: You make your own luck.

STEVE: What?

BRIDGET: Glenda's right Steve, you make your own luck.

GLENDA: I always say you make your own luck. Don't I always say that, Bridget?

BRIDGET: You do. And I always say it afterwards. Luck: you make it yourself.

STEVE: Can I just check something? You do know what "luck" means, don't you?

GLENDA: Luck. We all make it. I mean what I say, and I say what I mean, cast me no clattles.

BRIDGET: You want some luck? Make it yourself, that's what we always say, isn't it Glenda love?

GLENDA: When it comes to luck creation, go DIY.

STEVE: You are aware that the basic meaning of luck is "events caused by chance that are beyond conscious control", right? You realise that by definition, luck is inherently uncreatable? So your hurtful little phrase just makes you sound delusional. You might as well say, "Did you know, I can control the weather?" You probably do think that, you dotty old bat.

BRIDGET: Steve...

STEVE: And the logical extension of your trite little apothegm, your self-satisfied little dictum, is that it's my fault my sister is dead. I did it. Somehow the immediate repercussions of my day to day actions killed my sister. Indeed, perhaps just one of my actions - that of not giving her some magical life-saving headgear on a putative occasion when she ventured into an environment so dangerously cold that it contrived to defy medical law - somehow led directly to a disease, a funeral and an orphaned child. Is that right?

GLENDA: You makes your own luck, that's all I'm saying.

STEVE: Well, f**k you. F**k you and your hideous, cold-hearted "better out than in" folk opinions. You're an evil little woman and I hope you die. Die, you hear me! And it won't be luck, it'll be justice! And a big problem in this world won't be halved, it'll be completely removed!

[Sound of STEVE storming away, and a door slamming open. Then a scream and a screech of brakes]

BRIDGET: Oh my stars! Steve's been hit by a truck

GLENDA: Not surprised. Bad attitude like that, things were bound to turn out badly.

BRIDGET: Yes. He should have made some luck, that might have helped.

GLENDA: They'll want to put a coat over him. After all, otherwise he'll be wet through for his dying moments. Storm coming. [Clicks fingers. Sound of thunder and torrential rain. GLENDA & BRIDGET cackle wildly]

WATER SURPRISE

LIVING ROOM.
TOM, depressed, and DICK:

DICK What's wrong with you, Tom?

TOM Bloody hosepipe ban, Dick.

DICK Yeah, I love hosepipes too, I get all depressed when I can't use one, where would I be without me trusty hosepipe?

TOM Don't be a tedious tart, I mean there's no water. God I'm thirsty, I can't stop thinking about water, I'm obsessed with it.

DICK Well let me take your mind off it.

TOM How, pray?

DICK I could lend you a book.

TOM Such as?

DICK 'Watership Down', 'A Thousand And Things To Do With Water', 'A Thousand And One More Things To Do With Water'...

TOM Piss off!

DICK (thinks) Oh yeah, I get it. Well I could show you a DVD - 'Waterworld', 'Lady In The Water', 'A Thousand And One Other Things To Do With...'

TOM Shut - up!

DICK Only trying to help... We could always watch telly: water ski-ing, 'On The Water', 'A Thousand And One Further Things To...'

TOM Right that's it. Please, do you really have nothing that can help me?

DICK In a sense - no... Except maybe that bottle of water in my room.

TOM You bally berk! Why didn't you tell me?

DICK 'Cos there's a bloody hosepipe on it! I told you I love hosepipes, not my fault there's a ban...

TOM You pillocking prick...

Tom runs out, runs back drinking from the bottle:

TOM (gurgling) God this is good...

DICK Oh Tom, I forgot to say. They won't let us use the toilet either.

TOM (splutters)

INT: The Cabin of a commercial plane

STEWARD A is standing at the head of the left hand aisle. STEWARDESS B is at the head of the right hand aisle.

Announcer's voice comes over the tannoy

ANNOUNCER: On behalf of Cheapskate Airlines we welcome you, ladies and gentleman, to todays flight from Winchester (beat) International Airport

FX: (From outside plane) A cow moos

ANNOUNCER Cont: To Tenerife
Please note, in the event of loss of cabin pressure a mask will drop from the ceiling in front of you. Place the mask over the mouth and nose like this

STEWARD A and STEWARDESS B are miming fitting the mask

Announcer cont: and then place a two pound coin in the slot provided to switch on the oxygen. Please note that the machine only accepts correct change. One of the cabin crew would be delighted to provide change for a mere two pound surcharge. Please ensure that you pay for your own oxygen before paying for that of children or other loved ones. Please note sharing is prohibited. The machine can tell and will cut off your oxygen.

In the unlikely event that we make an emergency landing on water, please note that life-jackets are available to buy from the cabin crew. They are currently priced at 9.99. Buy now to avoid disappointment. To be honest, if we have to land on water, the chances of us surviving are fairly slim, especially with this Captain, so perhaps you'd prefer to put that 9.99 towards one of our ham and egg sandwiches.
Please note that we do not give credit and we do accept sexual favours. Or at least Dave does. Don't you Dave?

Steward A smiles.

DEREK AND STEVE ARE ROOM-MATES. SATURDAY MORNING DEREK IS WOKEN UP ABRUPTLY BY STEVE WHO IS SHAKING HIM AND HITTING HIM ACROSS THE FACE.

STEVE:
Wake up, wake up, Wake up!!

DEREK:
(ANNOYED) What!? I'm awake. What's wrong with you!?

STEVE:
You told me to wake you if you slept it in.

DEREK:
Yeah. On a week day. Jeez!

STEVE:
Oh. Sorry about the ol' punches across the face there. Might have taken in a weensy bit far.

DEREK:
You think?! The least you can do is make me breakfast to make up for it.

STEVE:
Fair enough.

STEVE WALKS OFF AND DEREK GETS OUT OF BED AND HEADS FOR THE STAIRS GROGGILY.

STEVE:
(SHOUTING FROM DOWNSTAIRS)
Be careful of the stairs. I'm freezing it.

DEREK:
Wha...?

DEREK TUMBLES DOWN TO STAIRS VERY CLUMSILY.

DEREK:
Ow my flippin' ear! What the f**k are you doing freezing the stairs?!

STEVE:
Never mind that. Here's a lovely fry up for you.

DEREK:
This better be good. Hmm. These scrambled eggs taste a bit different. Did you put something in them?

STEVE:
(NONCHALANTLY) Oh yeah. They're lambs eggs.

DEREK:
La- What in the name of Jesus are lambs eggs?!!! (he spits it out. stands up and puts on his jacket)

STEVE:
Where are you going?

DEREK:
I'm getting out of here before I throw you down the bloody stairs.

STEVE:
What? Like the way you threw yourself down the stairs earlier?

DEREK:
Ye...Oooh. Just, just keep pushing me!

DEREK PUTS HIS HANDS IN HIS JACKET POCKETS AND HIS HANDS ARE COVERED IN GOO.

DEREK:
What the f**k is this?

STEVE:
......Well we were out of pots and pans, werent we.... I had to mix the ingredients somewhere.

DEREK:
What is wrong with you? What is actually wrong with you?!!

DEREK STORMS OFF. HE IS WALKING ALONG A COUNTRY ROAD. A CAR PASSES DRIVING INTO A HUGE PUDDLE OF WATER SOAKING HIM FROM HEAD TO TOE.

THE CAR PULLS UP AND IN IT IS SUSAN WHO DEREK OBVIOUSLY FANCIES. SHE LETS DOWN THE PASSENGER WINDOW.

DEREK(water flowing off of him):
What the f...oh hi Susan. How are you?

SUSAN:
Hi Derek. I'm so sorry. Did I splash you?

DEREK:
No, no. I-I-I'm j-just out of the shower and I am forgot to dry off.

SUSAN:
Oh. I was sure I got you. I definitely got someone.

DEREK:
Yeah. I saw him. He am.....he... I think he jumped into a field, you know, to am.. to dry off.

SUSAN LOOKS INTO THE FIELD.

SUSAN:
I don't see him. I really should go back and apologise.

DEREK:
No!! He's gone. He's after thumbing a lift.

SUSAN:
But no cars passed us.

DEREK:
Yes. Very true. He, he, he got a lift...on a cow. He's gone...away...probably forever.

SUSAN:
Oh ok.

AWKWARD SILENCE

DEREK:
Sooo.........what am......

SUSAN:
Well I'd better get going.

DEREK:
Yep sure yeah. See you again.

SUSAN DRIVES OFF. WE STAY WITH SUSAN AS SHE DRIVES. AFTER ABOUT 20 SECONDS SHE HEARS A HIGH-PITCHED DRONE. SHE LOOKS OVER AND SEES THAT ITS DEREK. HIS HAIR IS CAUGHT IN THE WINDOW AND HAD BEEN RUNNING ALONG BESIDE THE CAR ALL THE TIME.

SUSAN PULLS UP.

SUSAN:
Oh my God!! Derek are you ok. I'm so sorry. Why did'nt you say anything?

DEREK:
Ah I did'nt want to disturb you. You looked busy....lovely day isn't it.

SUSAN:
Are you alright? Are you hurt?

DEREK:
No no. (blood rolling down his head and blood stains all over his jeans) Never better. I'll just head back home.

SUSAN:
Well look, heres my number. Give me a call later and let me know how you are.

DEREK:
(DELIGHTED) YEAH! I mean, um yeah sure whatever.

DEREK IS WALKING BACK WITH A SPRING IN HIS STEP AND IS ADMIRING THE PIECE OF PAPER WITH SUSANS NUMBER ON IT WHEN A CROW FLIES DOWN GRABS THE PAPER AND FLIES OFF.

CUT TO SEVERAL CLIPS OF DEREK CHASING THE CROW THROUGH FIELDS, BUSHES, ROOVES OF HOUSES, TELEPHONE POLES. THE CROW KNOCKS HIS GLASSES OFF AND THEY SMASH ON THE GROUND. HE FINALLY GIVES UP.

HE IS WALKING PAST A RUGBY PITCH AND A PLAYER IS ASKING DEREK TO GET THE BALL OUT OF THE BUSH AND KICK IT TO HIM. DEREK PICKS UP WHAT HE THINKS IS THE BALL BUT IS ACTUALLY A BEEHIVE. HE KICKS IT AND THOUSANDS OF BEES FLY OUT STINGING HIM ALL OVER.

DEREK IS NOW SOAKING, HAS BLOOD FLOWING FROM HIS HEAD AND LEGS, IS WEARING BROKEN GLASSES, HIS CLOTHES ARE RIPPED AND HE HAS STING MARKS ALL OVER HIM.

HE STUMBLES IN THE DOOR.

STEVE:
Well how was the walk. Are you feeling better?

DEREK:
Help me! Ring me an ambulance (cough) and then get me a mirror. I have to see..owww... the damage.

STEVE:
The lines are down. Someone must have been tampering with the telephone poles and both our mobiles were in your jacket pockets.

DEREK:
A-at least get me a mirror for God sake...Let me see what I look like before I die (gasp).

STEVE:
Aw do I have to?...Ok, here.

DEREK LOOKS IN THE HAND HELD MIRROR BUT HE HAS NO REFLECTION LOOKING BACK AT HIM. STEVE LOOKS IN AND HIS REFLECTION APPEARS.

DEREK:
(IN DISBELIEF) Where the f**k is my reflection?!! What, how can this happen. Wheres my reflection gone?! Where the Christ is it? Am I dead?

STEVE:
How am I supposed to know.

WE ZOOM INSIDE THE MIRROR AND SEE DEREKS REFLECTION RUSHING IN THE DOOR. LOOKING AT HIS WATCH AND HURRIEDLY PUTTING ON MAKEUP AND FAKE CUTS AND BRUISES AND TEARING HIS CLOTHES TO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE THE REAL DEREK.

REFLECTION DEREK:
I bloody well told Steve to wake me.

END.

Clive stands in full jogging gear, doing warm up exercises.
He stretches his body up and down, legs wide apart. A magpie appears at his feet.

Clive raises his hand in salute.
F**k you Mr Magpie.

He sighs contentedly, jogs on the spot for a few seconds, then sets off at a steady running pace.
He runs down a country lane and enters a paddock. Rows of shiny new horseshoes are lined along a wall. Jogging on the spot, Clive turns each horseshoe upside down before sprinting on.

He arrives breathless at a country park, darts towards a bustling outdoor café and runs amok between the tables, grabbing each salt cellar in turn and tipping out the contents. He sprints away laughing.

Sweating and running at a furious pace, he spies another magpie as he whizzes past a flowerbed.

F**k you Mr Magpie (he salutes the bird)

Two workmen stand atop ladders repairing the park clubhouse.
Clive circles in and out and under their ladders, doing laps.

WORKMAN
Get lost you moron.

Clive does another circle under the ladders before bolting away.
His mobile rings.

Hi, yeah, good, good....really? That was a good night alright.... (out of the corner of his eye, Clive spots a black cat padding off in the opposite direction)
Look, I got to go ok? (he jogs off after the cat) I'm having a run of bad luck at the moment.

Gappy for me this week.

I liked the pun "run of bad luck", because I alwasy like stupid puns. Always. Thought the paradox of a spider being left by his wife was a neat idea (sort of a reverse of that praying mantis wedding sketch, was that an old Smith & Jones piece?), but didn't quite go for the rest of the sketch.

So, for me it's Overlay this week. Yay.

Special mention to Gappy but I'm going with Shandonbelle. Not sure if it's because of or in spite of that pun though.

Shandonbelle for me too.

Shandonbelle - nice idea - I love punography.

It's Gappy for me.

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