Internet trolls are to be censored- but we'll still get the abridged version
The homes of Russian activists and their families' have been searched, but officials are yet to find a plausible explanation for Russia hosting the 2018 World Cup
KI: One Liners Page 3
Have you heard about Danny Boyle's new Olympic opening ceremony? It's called 3 hours, and is about a nation who'd rather saw their own arms off with a blunt pen knife than watch it.
AJGO and I have collaborated on the following: all the good ones are mine. *
VOX-POPS
EXCITED MAN:
And here comes Paula Radcliffe at the start of her final lap. Shame about the cuts to sports funding, but it's great news for this strip club.
POSH MAN:
I was worried about racism at the Euros, but I quickly got the hang of it.
MAN:
Forget booking players who walk off the pitch after being racially abused. They should do what we do in England; and punish the player's whole family.
WOMAN:
It is well out of order that normal Londoners can't drive during the Olympics, but that royal girl is allowed to ride her horse.
WOMAN:
Astronomers have discovered a galaxy approximately 12.91 billion light years away. Wow, that's further away than the end of the Leveson enquiry.
QUICK JOKES
Innumeracy has soared as kids emulate their football idols and try to give 110 percent.
John Terry has had to deny that he's a control-freak fascist, after being heard to describe England's training ground as 'mein kampf'.
In light of concerns that England have been hypocritical about condemning racism given their colonial past, Three Lions on a shirt has been rebranded as a cat, a dog and a budgie.
* Unless they're all shite, then they're all AJGO's.
Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ June 12 2012, 3:08 PM BSTAJGO and I have collaborated on the following: all the good ones are mine. *
* Unless they're all shite, then they're all AJGO's.
Sky has apologised for relying excessively on repeats. You can hear their apology at 8 o'clock, 9 o'clock, and all next week.
War victims have been visited by Lady Gaga. Haven't they suffered enough already?
War victims have been visited by Lady Gaga. She saw the wounded, the dying, the dead and hired them for her next video.
Simon Cowell is now considered the prime representative of a country. That sentence also works without the final syllable.
Cheryl Cole has been voted 'Girl Next Door'. I'm moving house.
Fire victims have confronted a suspected arsonist. They said, 'Arson fire?' He said 'And the rest of you too in a minute.'
They're holding an anti-porn march. Strange how people who protest against pornography are always the kind of person you wouldn't wanna see in a porno anyway. 'These people say no to the pornographers' - and the pornographers say no to these people.
Has anyone had a nightmare that the Argos aliens are gang-probing them? The mum one insisted on putting down a towel to catch any mess.
I'm not worried about the new laws identifying internet trolls. I'll just spray paint 'slag' on Amy Winehouse's grave instead.
Russian and Polish football fans have rioted in Warsaw. It turns out they really hate ITV's coverage as well.
Real farm yard animals will be used on the set of the opening Olympic ceremony including 30 sheep, 12 horses, three cows, two goats, 10 chickens, 10 ducks, nine geese. The ceremony will be followed by a large barbecue.
REPORTER (Posh):
And after another week of burning Euros, desperate u turns, arguments with bakers and a spot of amnesia I am pleased to report the government are on top form, coming up with the worst Idea since someone invented the boomerang grenade.
EXCITED VOICE:
Have you heard the Pirate Bay plans to use robot drone planes to keep its file-sharing service running, now that is what I call cloud computing.
David Cameron has made so many u-turns that if he left Westminster for Birmingham he would end up in Bristol.
Roy Hodgson described Wayne Rooney as his ace in the hole, that's funny I was think of wayne rooney as an arsehole.
Great news! David and Samantha Cameron are expecting a new child. They've decided to call it Kebab, so they never forget it after a night in the boozer.
Baroness Warsi's position looks in jeopardy after the Tory heartland noticed she's brown and northern.
People around England have been divided about Danny Boyle's opening ceremony glorifying Englands green and pleasant land, complete with English unofficial Anthem Jerusalem. Team Great Britain have been emphatically one hundred and ten percent behind it however... apart of course... from the Scottish, The Welsh and The Northern Irish.
The announcement that the hose pipe ban is to be lifted in all areas has led to widespread rumours that Linford Christie might well be taking part now in the Olympics next month!
Not sure about Danny Boyle's idea of having a trapped rock climber hack off his own arm at the opening ceremony for the Paralympics.
The judge was apparently very unimpressed with Rebecca Brooke's hacking in court today... he bailed her and suggested she go and suck on a fisherman's friend.
Fears of Uprisings in Africa have been attributed to plans to launch Easyjet there
There has been outrage over the hosepipe ban being lifted in some areas and not in others; one gardener commented "the wallflowers are being ignored and everything goes to the forget-me-nots"
Kind of stretching the idea of 'one line' but here goes:
Grams Lust for Life
(Scottish) Choose British life ... choose sheep, choose hens, choose a cow in a field with an oak tree ... choose Glastonbury and the Last Night of the Proms ... Choose stuffing your face with coke and McDonalds while you watch an artificial cloud and wonder what the flip happened to Danny Boyle ... Choose a bobby and a beefeater climbing a mountain of fish and chips with a bulldog, choose two miners and a punk rowing a bowler hat across a cup of tea ... and the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got kitsch?
Is there a time limit to when we can bombard you with crap today? Midnight?
Quote: Marc P @ June 13 2012, 10:06 AM BSTPeople around England have been divided about Danny Boyle's opening ceremony glorifying Englands green and pleasant land, complete with English unofficial Anthem Jerusalem. Team Great Britain have been emphatically one hundred and ten percent behind it however... apart of course... from the Scottish, The Welsh and The Northern Irish.
You haven't quite grasped subliminal messaging yet have you Marc poppet? 