SPIN DOCTORS
[US OPEN BEGINS 14th June]
BRIAN
Okay people. What have we got?
CANDY
It's a par four. Four hundred and thirty two yard.
BRIAN
We got a stroke index?
CANDY
It's not looking good Brian. Stroke index one.
BRIAN
Any complications.
CANDY
Plenty. There's a cross fairway lateral depression. Two twenty yards from the tee.
BRIAN
Damn! What are we talking. Ditch. Water. Drainage?
CANDY
Ditch and drainage. Pitching down and up. It's a two sixty yard carry.
I'm not sure we've got the resources.
BRIAN
Any contra indications?
CANDY
She's got flanking traps left and right, a cantilvered slope running east to a tight out of bounds and very heavy rough.
BRIAN
Wind direction? Elevation?
CANDY
A twenty metre rise to the crown and south west breeze. Gusting sporadically I'd say peaking at six to seven MPH face on.
FX: DEEP BREATH
BRIAN
Okay give me a three inch wooden peg. No, no, make that two inches. Pine, St Andrews logo on the side.
FX. WOODEN TEES RATTLING
BRIAN
Okay. Okay. Give me a Wilson tour wound. I want a 90 degree compression, I want a balata covering, and I want a number one. No give me a number three.
CANDY
We haven't got any balata. We've got duralyn. But we used all the balata on the sixteenth.
BRIAN
Damn. I knew I should have held back.
CANDY
(NERVOUS) We can go with the Duralyn or I can cut back to the pro shop. Four, five minutes.
BRIAN
No. No. There's no time. Dammit. Give me the ball. Let's rip this baby open.
... I'm going to need the three iron... and I'm going to need your prayers!!
FX: SWISHING GOLF CLUB A FEW TIMES
BRIAN
Swab!.... Clear!
FX: GOLF BALL BEING HIT
BRIAN SIGHS DRAMATICALLY.
BRIAN
We've lost her.
CANDY
You did everything you could. It's not your fault
BRIAN
Time of death. Two forty-five. Give me another ball.
JASON
Hold on Brian... my turn to glove up I think!
CANDY
God, I hate playing golf with surgeons!
SALLY
(COCKNEY BIMBO) Tell me about it!
BRIAN
(SHOUTS) Fore!!