Skit Comp 1 - 7.6.12

Frantic wank, so congratulations to ME for winning. (Incidentally that sketch came to me in a dream, which is odd as most of my dreams involve Melanie C and a shower attachment.) I shall get ludicrously yet legitimately poo-faced and PM myself for next week's topic.
Hence:

Points - Votes - Name

10 - 3 - Michael Monkhouse
5 - 2 - Shandonbelle
1 - 1 - Overlay
Special mention: Otterfox, AngieBaby, Gappy

Your new subject: LOVE

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 7.6.12

Overall Leader Board is now:

Position - Points - Name
1 - 15 - Shandonbelle
2 - 11 - Overlay
3 - 10 - Gappy, Ishy, Michael Monkhouse
4 - 6 - Steve Sunshine
5 - 5 - Otterfox
6 - 1 - AngieBaby, Shirl the Whirl, JackDaniels2, Nigel Kelly

PS Check out the hall of fame in the thread called, um, Hall of Fame.

[Old school Star Trek type scene. Mr SINGH, a jumpsuited scientist, sits at a desk in a shiny retro-futuristic lab/office with a notepad in his hand, and opposite him sits CYBELLA, a pale and attractive alien woman, who speaks with a sort of childlike, emotionless innocence]

CYBELLA: Do you wish to continue your scientific tests upon my alien corporeal frame, Mr Singh?

SINGH: If I may, Cybella. Just one quick test, and then it's time for lunch. They're doing Mexican in the canteen today. I adore burritos.

CYBELLA: Adore burritos? Is this the human emotion you call love?

SINGH: Oh, err, no. Sorry, I was misleading you, it's a sort of idiom - err, I just mean I like burritos a lot, actual love is slightly different.

CYBELLA: I also enjoy the cuisine of the federation you designate as the United Mexican States, although last time I consumed some I noticed abdominal discomfort, and a slight perspiration: was this the human emotion you call love?

SINGH: No, that was probably indigestion. Do you mind if we crack on? We'll want to get down there early, otherwise Officer Pedersen will scoff all the chimichangas.

CYBELLA: I see. [Pause] My Singh?

SINGH: Yes, Cybella?

CYBELLA: Is that the human emotion you call love?

SINGH: [Slightly exasperated] No, this is a biro. Look, would you mind just leaving the questions out for a bit? We are on a tight schedule here.

CYBELLA: Mr Singh, I notice your face is reddening slightly, and your vocal timbre has become strained. Is this the human emotion you call l-

SINGH: [Irate] No it's bloody not! It's the human emotion called Searing Rage At Idiotic Repetitive Questions, with a little touch of Frustration That I Never Got A Pilot's Job In The Galactic Force And Am Stuck Here All Day With A Stupid Space Bimbo. It's a pretty bloody fair way from love, got it?

CYBELLA: Have I offended you, Mr Singh?

SINGH: [Calming down] No. No, look: I'm sorry about, you know, all that. It's not your fault. I just don't understand your obsession with love.

CYBELLA: You're talking about the human emotion called love?

SINGH: Yes! I mean, you don't even know what a biro is, so isn't it a big leap to keep asking about love? There are thousands of years worth of scientific and poetic discourse on the nature of love, it's quite a complex issue: it took you a week to understand the offside rule, so don't you think it might be worth holding off on this whole love thing for a bit? Maybe try to dial back, and understand something easier first.

CYBELLA: You think I should learn of more elementary human relationships?

SINGH: Yes.

CYBELLA: Simpler fields of social congress?

SINGH: Pretty much. Now, would you mind terribly if we get back to work?

CYBELLA: Of course. I just have one question, Mr Singh.

SINGH: Go on.

CYBELLA: What can you tell me of the human emotion you call A Blow Job Behind The Bus Station?

Vicarious Wisdom

As a joke on my birthday I said to the vicar 'Fancy a shag?' He said 'Don't be sick, you're over 9 years old.'

INT: Bedroom

Close up of an horrendous looking HELL-BEAST with salivating mandibles and red eyes

Camera pulls out slowly to a shot that frames the bed and the door to the left of it whilst

FX: sickening growling sound in time with HELL-BEAST's breathing

We see HELL-BEAST is sat up in bed wearing a tattered pink pyjama top. It's a double bed and HELL-BEAST is in the bed on the side furthest from the door.

HELL-BEAST: (in a woman's voice)
Dave! Are you bringing that hotwater bottle?

DAVE: (from outside the room)
Yeah, just doing it. Was waiting for the kettle to boil.

HELL-BEAST: Have you burped it?

DAVE: Sorry, love, what did you say?

HELL-BEAST: HAVE YOU BURPED IT? I LIKE IT BURPED.

DAVE: (Evenly)
I know, I'm just doing it, won't be a sec

Enter Dave in pyjama bottoms carrying hotwater bottle

DAVE: Here you go love. Was just switching off in there.

Dave hands over hotwater bottle and gets into bed. The both get settled. From the bumps in the covers we see DAVE extend a leg over and rub down HELL-BEAST's lower leg and foot.

HELL-BEAST: Dave, f**king seriously?

DAVE: (beat) Sorry, sorry.

End.

INT: ROMANTIC RESTAURANT. DAVE AND ANNA ARE ON A DATE

ANNA: There's something I need to tell you. I'm actually a man.

DAVE:I had my suspicions.

ANNA:Was it my Adam's apple?

DAVE:No, it was the way you parallel parked outside the restaurant.

ANNA: You don't mind?

DAVEf course not, to me you're just like a real woman, who can read a map.

ANNA: Well, I can't exactly stop and ask for directions in this dress.

DAVE:You look lovely.

ANNA: Thanks. I knew exactly what dress I wanted and bought it in the first shop I went into.

DAVE:You're so refreshingly different, when did you first realise you were a man in a woman's body?

ANNA: I told a joke... and they laughed.

INT
TWO OLD SCHOOLFRIENDS, SADIE AND ELAINE, BUMP INTO EACH OTHER AT THE DOCTORS SURGERY.

SADIE
Well for Valentines he bought me a huge box of Milk Tray, you know the ones with two layers, but he took one layer home with him as he said I was sweet enough, he loves chocolate my Mark.

ELAINE
That reminds me, remember Hot Chocolate?? I loved that Errol Brown...

SADIE (carries on)
Then for my 30th, he took me to this really posh restaurant, it wasn't Gordon Ramsey's Mark said, but he said it was only a short bus ride from it. I only counted three stops so it must have been near.
He told me to order anything I wanted, anything at all...but make it from the kids menu because I didn't look 30... how cute is that?? I had jumbo fish shapes, wedges and peas...and three scoops of Neapolitan with one of those little wafer bears stuck in for afters.

ELAINE (laughing)
Sundae Girl eh?? Remember, Blondie? I used to...

SADIE (looks blankly)
Then after dinner, Mark said we'll get a cab to his, so we walked along for about two or three miles but none stopped. Mark said it's dangerous to wave one down as they might think we were carjackers 'cos of his baseball cap and anyway we're nearly there.
I did have to stop at the all night chemist though for plasters when the backs of my feet started bleeding from all the walking. Mark said in the TA blood is a badge of honour and we should keep walking but he gave in when the blood seeped through his embroidered hankies I borrowed.
He did carry my shoes for the last half hour though.

ELAINE (cheekily)
So any birthday nookie then?

SADIE
By that stage I wasn't really in the mood with my feet like shredded veal and the blood still seeping out, but Mark said that keeping my legs in the air would dry out the cuts. He's very thoughtful like that.
It must be love.

ELAINE
That's Madness.

A PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN ANSWERS HER DOOR TO SEE A MAN IN A CHEAP SUIT WITH GREASY GREY BLACK HAIR & THICK GLASSES

Elizabeth:
Hello can I help you?

Wayne:
Oh I see, we're going to play it like that are we Elizabeth?

Elizabeth:
Sorry, do I know you? How do you know my name?

Wayne:
Ok Ok .if we must dance we must dance, pretend to waltz all you like my Love but all I can see in your face is .... Tango!.

Elizabeth:
It must be the fake tan. But seriously Who are you? & what are you doing here?

Wayne:
Elizabeth Darling, I know you're worried about having a Workplace relationship, and I know you've been hurt before like a flower that's had some experience of pain in the past somehow, but please don't shut me out, not here, not now, and not here.

Elizabeth:
Do you work at Engels Lawson then?

Wayne:
Do I work at Engels Lawson? Don't play games with me. You can't say that the West Bromsgrove conference meant nothing to you.

Elizabeth:
Well it meant a day off work & free buffet and that was about it. It was hardly East Bromsgrove.

Wayne:
You're a good actress I'll give you that. But what If I was to process a Sales invoice for you via an e mail attachment.

Elizabeth:
Hold on are you Warren from Accounts & Sales invoicing?

Wayne:
Of course princess, just as you hoped. It is I, Wayne.

Elizabeth:
Wayne! That's it, I knew it began with something.

Wayne:
Wayne from Accounts & Sales Invoicing. The Romeo to your Juliet, The Burton to your Taylor, The Casanova to your lots of Birds.

Elizabeth:
I'm sorry Warren, but I hardly think a few e mails means there's something between us.

Wayne:
Look I know you're scared, I'm scared too, but don't believe all those stories about Accounts & Sales invoicing. We may seem dangerous to be around but it's just hype.

Elizabeth:
No seriously Wayne, I think you've got the wrong end of the stick. I hardly know you.

Wayne:
If you can look me in the eye as we stand, right here and now and say.

Elizabeth:
I don't love you,

Wayne:
That's the one, if you can stand here now & say those words.

Elizabeth:
I just did, now if you'll excuse me

WAYNE GETS ON HIS KNEES AND SCREAMS ELIIIZAAAABEEETTHH AS SHE SHUTS THE DOOR IN HIS FACE.
INSIDE WE SEE ONE OF ELIZABETHS FRIENDS

Julie:
You handled that pretty well Liz I'm proud of you

Elizabeth:
But I love him.

Julie:
It's Accounts & Sales Invoicing Honey, you had a lucky escape..

END

Too difficult but I'll go with Steve Sunshine

Going for Angie this week.

Gappy

Gappy!

Sunshine, S.

Hope I'm not too late - Overlay.