The Infliction
Bridie a middle aged, cheerful, woman from the north side of Dublin. She lives in a modest terraced house with her husband, son and her elderly mother. Bridie takes in washing and ironing; more for the company of others she meets and the craic.
The scene takes place in the kitchen; the room is filled with clothes airers, damp washing and an ironing mountain that could clothe a small nation. In the middle of the room is the ironing board, her stage.
Bridie (shouts up the stairs): Ye right, Mammy? I'll (pronounced oil) be up in a minute love, ye hear me, Mammy?
Bridie walks over to the ironing board, picks up the iron and spits on the soleplate then tests it with her fingertips, she puts the iron back on its rest.
She picks up a pair of teeny tiny but very fancy knickers
Bridie: Jaysus! Would you look at dem flimzee's, nothing to dem and de cost a fortune, wha'?
I'd've looked lovely in dem, not now like, but y'know before...Holy Mother of God, wasn't I gorgeous then? Ev'ryone said so, honest to God, wha'?
Bridie shouts out
Howerya, Mammy? The kettles on now fer ya love
She's in an awful state this morning..she's not had her abolutions, aahhh, she's not been right..not since 1976 y,'know since me daddy, the ole f'lla fecked off with her, the ole one Mary from the dairy, and her after taking the collections at Mass ev'ry Sunday! She won't have the 'Our Father' or the 'Hail Mary' said in de house!
She unnerstan's me says he
She's a hoo-er says she
Well, hoo-er or not he shagged off that night and brought the shame of the devil on me Mammy, the feckin' eejit, him not me Mammy!
Himself & His Infliction won't be back till dinner and de yung one is out with his mot, jaysus amn't I delighted for a bit o peace.
When me and Himself started going out, I'd heard he had an infliction..I had no idea...ye'd tink me brudda would've warned me, and him after playing with him ev'ry night after school.
Not for me a squinty eye or a soft head, or even a fondness for de drink, wha'?
The night we were married, just - didn't he grab me hand and slap it round his infliction - jaysus! It nearly had me eye out.
Now there, Bridie - says he, all proud and puffing out his chest
Amn't ye glad ye saved yerself and got the blessings of God wid me!?
And him with roaring red hair! - Shag off says I, I'm not fecking going near that! Wha'?
Where are ye going with dat cold flannel says he
Come here to me, says I, If ye point dat ting at me again, sure I'm runnen straight to me Mammy...It's feckin' red raw!
Ahh, y'know, ye get used to it I s'pose, but then he starts getting doze bouks out of the Corporation Library, y'know he wanted me to get all modren, well I wasn't having any o dat French yoke, y'know felicity dis and felatio dat, he can feck off outta dat, wha'? Then he joined Blockbusters, jaysus dem films.....I was terrified to genuflect after dat, I couldn't look the yun'one in de eye when I handed in me Library card.
Bridie makes tea in a pot and sets up a tray with cup and saucer
Well, I was telling the geddles, y'know aboush himself and his gooter; Marie McCready was beside herself, she was tellin' me to stop complainin', she said that the doctors needed to perform a circumcision on her owl f'lla but that they wouldn't, y'know, 'coz it wouldn't have been fair! The poor gobshite, wha'?
She picks up the tray
Mammy, love..I'm bringing up yer tea
The End