KI Customs

This could do with some work, but the back fence won't paint itself.

A normal day at Kirrin Island customs.

The female customs officer is faced with a stereotypical pirate.

C.O.:
Have you anything to declare Sir?

PIRATE:
I be having a keg o' rum wi' me, if that's what ye be a'ffering to?

C.O.:
Is it less than a litre?

PIRATE:
It be as wide as a captains platter and as long as the blade of an oar.

C.O.:
I'll put three litres, to be on the safe side.

PIRATE:
Maybe a gold sovereign proffered to your hand, could help me navigate this stormy sea of legalities?

C.O.:
Sir, may I refer you to item 3. Persons should not solicit gratuities.

PIRATE:
What if I threw in a ticket fer ye olde Jay El Essss? Front row seat?

C.O.:
Hmmm..let me see. Spirits, estimated within personal allowances.

C.O.(continued):
Are you importing any weapons or sharp implements?

PIRATE:
I have my trusty sword, with an edge so rare and true you could pick the teeth from the mouth of one of the King's guards whilst he slept the night away.

C.O:
We'll call that 'dental equipment'.

PIRATE:
Fer sure, my old landlubber.

C.O:
Okay, now drugs. Any prohibited chemicals or plants?

PIRATE:
Just a casket of the dreamer's leaves. It would break my heart to give them up.

C.O.:
That'll be Marajuana, for personal medical use.

C.O.(continued):
All that remains is the full body scan.

PIRATE:
Full body scan, ye say? I have a leg of wood, an eye of glass and a hand of steel.

C.O.:
Didn't I see you on 'Britain's Got Talent'?

PIRATE:
Aye. Made it to the semi-finals, so I did, with an illusion featuring my treasure chest.

C.O.:
How come you never made it to the final?

PIRATE:
My act wasn't camp enough.

C.O.:
Let me see. A feather in your cap, a jacket adorned with gold and silver and weapon any man would be proud of. Are you sure David Walliams didn't give you a 'yes'?

PIRATE:
He did, but Cowell said 'nay', as he didn't want anyone on the show with a chest bigger than his.

C.O.:
Ah, so Amanda Holden's job IS safe.

(PAUSE)

C.O:
Okay you can go through. Don't forget to leave the sovereign and the tickets. Oh, and the parrot has to spend six weeks in quarantine.

PIRATE:
Maybe a Justin Bieber ticket would help your memory of the parrot be clouded by a thick fog of the sea?

C.O.:
Eight weeks.

Fin

HI PB, liked the first bit - didn't really get the segue to Britain's got talent, you are stepping out of one reality into and other invented reality and then taking that invented reality into something else. You need a focus here really I would suggest or just a good punch to end the surreal scenario.

The transition wasn't planned, it sort of happened. I've posted it for someone to clean up 'my mess' for the Kirrin Island thingymajig.

I, on the other hand, have got to go to pet world to look at hamsters. :/

It's not really pulled together.

And the jokes don't make enough sense to be funny.

And write your own sketches lazy bones!

Think of it as a family quilt. With each generation adding another piece.

I've done the label.

Then you're gonna be cold in bed tonight.

Another patchy bit...

News Skit

Kate(the anchor) introducing Will(OB)

Kate:
And we now move over to our roving reporter Will Travelle, who has been investigating how the Olympics will affect our internal transport.

Will, are you there?

Will:
Hi Kate, yes I'm here, standing at the crossroads of the island's two main thoroughfares. The authorities are still not yet sure just how much the transport infrastructure will be affected here on Kirrin Island.

General members of the working public have been advised to travel to work by bicycle, although a large number are rejecting this 'new-fangled' technology.

Our single government representative, the MP for Smuggler's Cove & Shady Oak Wood, has been issued with an iPad, so he can work from home. Unfortunately, he will have to wait until 2016, for the island to be connected to the mainland via the internet.

There was a taste of things to come earlier this month, when the Olympic torch passed through Kirrin island. Unfortunately, a number of island residents joined the spectacle, thinking it was part of a witch hunt, which resulted in the burning down of old Ma Jenkins house and her subsequent drowning.

When asked what precautions were being put in place, to negate the possible disruption, the island's transport minister was unavailable for comment as he was busy laying a forecourt at the new petrol station, which is being built to supply the islands first petrol powered lawnmower.

Back to you Kate.

ANother collection of vaguely amusing ideas that might be funny if you pulled them together.

Don't be so lazy.

Expecting people to write your stuff for you is more than cheeky.

Sooty,
I'm now making the dinner.

Hey, I wrote my own wedding speech, and I write my own prescriptions.

The olympic torch/ witch hunt idea is definitely funny. You could expand on that.

First bit of the pirate thing is well-characterised and quite good but then disappears somewhere. I thought that might make a good, usable Border Patrol/Nothing To Declare spoof sketch. But you'll have to write it.

There's going to be too much to do on Live From Kirrin Island to attempt writing sketches from vague ideas. It'll be easier to rewrite stuff that's almost there, rather than 5% there.

Dan

Park Bench - you're not going to endear yourself to those choosing the sketches by openly admitting it's patchy and saying you're not going to work on it. Perhaps it might be wise to put it up in critique first then when you've polished it put the KI tag on it.

Reading both they feel like a mish-mash of ideas not sketches. Take the pirate one as think there's more potential there (although witch-hunt/torch is a nice line). Why has this pirate turned up at the border? What topical news story is that part of?

Once you've got that think about where you hope the sketch to go and where it ends up. (Drop the BGT bit that seems like a separate sketch entirely).

But we don't know what the thrust of the sketch is and how it's going to end - that's your bit!