KI: Jesus at Leveson

JUDGEThat you for appearing before the Leveson Enquiry. You are, are you not, Mr Jesus Horatio Christ?

JESUSI am.

JUDGENow you are claiming unreasonable behaviour on the part of popular 1st century tabloid - the Bible.

JESUSYeah, it's not on. They wrote stuff about me that no one could have known unless they were hacking my phone or bugging my manger.

JUDGEFor example?

JESUSRight, well look, I've never put myself up to be some sort of paragon of virtue.

JUDGEMr Christ, you are under oath.

JESUSWell alright, maybe a bit. But the way they wrote about me and Mary Magdelaine was well out of order. I mean, yes, I've knocked about with a prostitute. Who hasn't? Well, you know what I'm talking about, you're a Judge.

JUDGEOi. You show a bit of respect. Ruddy Hippy.

JESUSSorry Judge. You know, my mum had to read that. I mean, fair enough, the old man probably knew, what with being omniscient and everything, but that's not the sort of thing you want your Mum reading.

JUDGEProstitutes are hardly noted for their discretion Mr Christ.

JESUSAlright, well there was a time that I spent 40 days and nights in the desert alone. That's alone. The Bible had the lot, temptations of Satan, everything. I'm glad I was fasting or they'd have had a picture of me sat right on the bog...And they made stuff up.

JUDGEYou are alleging that the Bible fabricated stories about you?

JESUSCourse they did, Water into wine? Loaves and fishes? I'm a carpenter mate, I'm not Derren Brown...and all that guff about me spending Easter in a cave? Rubbish. I was at home watching Octopussy with an extra large Yorkie Egg.

JUDGEYes, but it was an entirely positive image being portrayed.

JESUSPositive? Positive he says. You tell that to homosexuals. All I said was a man shouldn't lie down with another man. I just meant that one of you should stay awake in case some wild animal goes for you. They took that quote bang out of context and the gays get two thousand years of bother. Look, I've got nothing against gay people. I mean, the music can be a bit much, but as far as I'm concerned you live and let live

JUDGEWell, I think we've heard all we need to. Thank you Mr Christ, for your time.

JESUSHang on, what happens next? This lot print a load of scurrilous nonsense about me, I want some justice.

JUDGEOh, I shouldn't worry Mr Christ. The Sun, the Mirror, the Bible, the Mail. No one believes what they read in the paper these days.

Hey Trinder. I like this one a lot - it tickles my sense of humour. Inevitably some of the lines deliver greater value - the story in the desert and the bit about gays didn't work for me. I do like the ludicrous witnesses before the Leveson angle and wonder whether there could be a repeating theme (the pieces might need to be shorter) for the show of ridiculous witnesses before Leveson. I'm just pondering as Leveson will probably be topical forever...

JUDGEThat you for appearing before the Leveson Enquiry. You are, are you not, Mr Jesus Horatio Christ?

JESUSI am.

JUDGENow you are claiming unreasonable behaviour on the part of popular 1st century tabloid - the Bible.

JESUSYeah, it's not on. They wrote stuff about me that no one could have known unless they were hacking my phone or bugging my manger.

JUDGEFor example?

JESUSRight, well look, I've never put myself up to be some sort of paragon of virtue.

JUDGEMr Christ, you are under oath.

JESUSWell alright, maybe a bit. But the way they wrote about me and Mary Magdelaine was well out of order. I mean, yes, I've knocked about with a prostitute. Who hasn't? Well, you know what I'm talking about, you're a Judge.

JUDGEOi. You show a bit of respect. Ruddy Hippy.

JESUSSorry Judge. You know, my mum had to read that. I mean, fair enough, the old man probably knew, what with being omniscient and everything, but that's not the sort of thing you want your Mum reading.

JUDGEProstitutes are hardly noted for their discretion Mr Christ.

JESUSWell, alright. But they made stuff up.

JUDGEYou are alleging that the Bible fabricated stories about you?

JESUSCourse they did, Water into wine? Loaves and fishes? I'm a carpenter mate, I'm not Derren Brown...and all that guff about me spending Easter in a cave? Rubbish. I was at home watching Octopussy with an extra large Yorkie Egg.

JUDGEWell, I think we've heard all we need to. Thank you Mr Christ, for your time.

JESUSHang on, what happens next? This lot print a load of scurrilous nonsense about me, I want some justice.

JUDGEOh, I shouldn't worry Mr Christ. The Sun, the Mirror, the Bible, the Mail. No one believes what they read in the paper these days.

Actually, sits rather nicely without them...you're right about this being a runner as well. I'm going to have a think about some others who can be called...Superman springs immediately to mind. Will try and come up with another couple of things Leveson ones next week.

Nice one. Just a thought butI tink Trinder you could lose the modern references, change phone to tablet for example, and rejig Derren Brown and Octopussy references. And the final line 'read in the papers' should just be 'nobody believes what they read in them these days', as the Bible is not a paper. The idea that hacking has been going on for thousand of years in the press works better, for me anyway, if we keep the contextualisation real and rejig the references for another layering of humour/wit.

Cheers
Marc

I like this a lot. Great angle and also like Marc's suggestions.

Also, re: the fabricated stories: might be a line about there being lots of different versions of them for a start, Showbiz reporters in each 'rag': Matt, Mark, Luke and Jono.

But fab stuff. Nice one and ta!

Dan

Like this sketch.

Just one thought - there is a possiblity that people might be offended by a Jesus reference? Something to consider given we will be broadcast on radio.