KI: God Save the Queen

Apologies in advance to royalists, punk fans (and comedy-lovers)...

MAYOR:
(ELDERLY, POMPOUS) Good Evening. As mayor of Kirrin island I want to to talk tonight about a stain on the Queen. It is a metaphorical stain of course - physically she remains as fragrant as ever. I refer to the vile and not-as-patriotic-as-you-might-think tune "God Save the Queen" by 70's pop-combo "The Beep Pistols". What better occasion than this - the year of her glorious pineapple jubilee - to deal with this stain and give her majesty a good wipe. In order to do so you will be forced to hear some of the vileness, for which I hope you - and God - can forgive me.

(Music starts - "God Save the Queen" by The Beep Pistols)

JOHNNY ROTTEN:
God save the Queen!

(Music stops)

MAYOR:
A fine start, and sentiments we can all agree with. If only it could have continued in that vein.

(Music Starts)

JOHNNY ROTTEN:
For fascist regime.

(Music Stops)

MAYOR:
What I object to here is the way he says it like it's a bad thing. Fascism has been proven time and time again to be a very efficient system of government. Here on Kirrin Island we've been fascist for many years and we're all very happy with it.

(Music Starts)

JOHNNY ROTTEN:
She made you a moron.

(Music Stops)

MAYOR:
Patently absurd. I'm not disputing the majority of her subjects are indeed morons, but this is in no way the Queen's fault.

(Music Starts)

JOHNNY ROTTEN:
Potential H-bomb

(Music stops.)

MAYOR:
H-bomb?? Good God man, this is the 21st Century. If anything the Queen is a stealth bomber with the ability to drop a 50 megaton nuclear payload, level the ground, and wipe out every living creature within a 200 kilometre radius...potentially.

(Music starts)

JOHNNY ROTTEN:
God save the Queen

MAYOR:
Well, we've been here before haven't we? Once bitten, twice shy Mr Rotten.

(Music starts)

JOHNNY ROTTEN:
She ain't no human being.

(Music Stops)

MAYOR:
This is an absolutely disgusting slur! Tests were carried out before the coronation and her majesty is most definitely a human being. There remain doubts about Prince Phllip of course, though we do know for certain he's a mammal.

(Music Starts)

JOHNNY ROTTEN:
And there's no future...In England's Dreaming.

(Music Stops)

MAYOR:
Mr Rotten that is an example of the pessimism and negativity that is blighting this once great nation. For all you know you may have a very bright future - perhaps as a butter salesman? Well, that's all we have time for, but I hope in my own small way I've helped redress the balance, disinfect the queen and make this momentous year one of joy and celebration...rather than a horrible anus. Good evening.

Hi Frantically

This is good and there are some great jokes and good characterisation. But it can't be used because of copyright issues with the song!

Dan

Thanks Dan. No worries, I did consider that might be a problem...after I wrote it. >_<

Very good sketch. Although like anything this length could probably do with a little tightening.

Dan - if the Mayor only read the lyrics and the commented on them that might come under "fair use" as it is commentary. Eg you are allowed to quote from a book in a book review without permission. Not sure how that applies to music excerpts, but there may be a similar provision. Any IP lawyers in?

Thanks David, you're right of course - it could definitely be tightened up and re-written to use lyrics rather than the actual song. I'd be happy to do that if it could be used. I'm afraid I know nothing about IP though!

I was just about to say how much I liked it until I read Dan's comment.

Shame but is there a way to re-write it by Kirrin Island's very own punk legend Johnny SellsButter? A much nicer and gentler song sung in a punk way?

Would this work, or does it lose something?

MAYOR: (ELDERLY, POMPOUS) Good Evening. As mayor of Kirrin island I want to talk tonight about a stain on the Queen. A metaphorical stain of course - physically she remains as fragrant as ever. I refer to the pop-hit "God Save the Queen" by 70's beat-combo "The Beep Pistols". I must warn you this tune is not as patriotic as the title might suggest, and it falls to me in this year of her majesty's glorious Cherries Jubilee to deal with the stain and give her majesty a good wipe.

It starts well, with the sentiment "God Save the Queen." I think we can all get behind this - I know I have never wanted anything more than to get behind the Queen. But Mr Rotten then blames her Majesty for what he calls a "fascist regime." Like it's a bad thing! Here on Kirrin Island we've been fascist for many years and we're all very happy with it.

Next he suggests the Queen is responsible for making you a moron. I don't dispute myself and most of her subjects are morons - but how is that her fault?

He goes on to call her Maj a "Potential H-bomb"? Good God man, this is the 21st Century. If anything she is a stealth bomber able to drop a 50 megaton nuclear payload, level the ground, and wipe out every living creature within a 200 kilometre radius...potentially.

This brings us to the song's most disgusting slur. Mr Rotten and his cohorts declare the Queen "ain't no human being". Well, let me tell you - tests were carried out before the coronation and her majesty is definitely a human being. There are doubts about Prince Phllip of course, though we're certain he's a mammal.

Finally he suggests that "there's no future in England's Dreaming". An example of the pessimism and negativity that have blighted this once great nation! Mr Rotten, for all you know you may have a very bright future - perhaps as a butter salesman?

Well, that's all I have time for, but I hope in my small way I've helped disinfect the queen and make this year one of joy and celebration...rather than a horrible anus. Good evening.