[REPORTER on location in an old, stone school building]
REPORTER: Today, students across the country received their exam results, but amidst the celebration and commiseration, a traditional tune has been struck up by the critics: British exams are getting easier. To discuss this, I have with me Gerard Balff, headmaster of some thirty years' standing. Mr Balff, how do you answer these criticisms?
BALFF: Well, of course there are detractors, Eamonn, whenever a large group of people - especially young people - achieves anything. It's a downside of the British temperament, I'm afraid. The fact is, if our students are receiving improved grades, it's a reflection of this school's leaps forward in the fields of congenital teaching methods and pastoral care.
REPORTER: And don't you feel that this new lifestyle sits uneasily with the school's reputation?
BALFF: How do you mean?
REPORTER: Well, at the School For Hard Knocks , shouldn't there be less pastoral care, not more?
BALFF: Eamonn, any of the older educational institutions carries historical baggage, to a certain extent. I can assure you, our hard knock policy remains undimmed, and our pupils learn about life in the hardest, least pleasant of ways; some of them also choose to make use of our outstanding sports, arts and social facilities, too, but by the end of their tenure they are still hard-bitten cynical rogues.
REPORTER: I have one of this year's students here. Tarquin, may I ask what you got in your A levels?
TARQUIN: [A classic Softy Walter type] I got theventeen A thtarth, a wecording contwact, and the duchy of Monmouththire.
REPORTER: And how did you feel about those results?
TARQUIN: A bit athamed, weally; nobody wanth to be bottom of the clath.
BALFF: Yes, yes, Tarquin. And the knocks. Tell them about the hard knocks.
TARQUIN: Oh, yeth! I took loadth of knockth. Mothtly hard ones. Jutht between my fwee pewiod and my dwama thtudieth on a Tuethday. Now I'm a wegular wuffian!
REPORTER: Thank you, Tar-
TARQUIN: And a wouthtabout.
REPORTER: Quite, thank you. Mr Balff, which courses did Tarquin study?
BALFF: Well, Knocks, obviously. And Slaps, Scrapes and Badgery, they're standard curriculum. Tarquin here had a bit of a flair, so he also took Further Knocks, and Combined Battering, but not all our students are inclined towards that field. Some of them would rather study Clouts, or Spanks, or perhaps a Ridden Roughshod Foundation Course. Plus, Tarquin also sat exams for Flower Arranging, Lutany, and Being Lovely To Puppies.
REPORTER: Some would say that those courses don't represent the traditional values of The School For Hard Knocks.
BALFF: Yeah, right. Let me ask you - assuming, just for one moment, that we all agree that an educational system based primarily on contusion and collision is inherently geared towards producing academic excellence, and isn't a complete waste of time and knuckle skin - how much of the school week you think it's possible to take up with Knocks. Just knocks. Knocking the kids about, nothing else. What do you reckon?
REPORTER: I've never really thought about it.
BALFF: No, funny that. Everyone wants to send their kids to Hard Knocks, because their great-grandfather came here or something, and nobody wants it to change, but nobody considers the infrastructure required. You can't knock in classes of thirty, you know. One knocker to each knockee, that's the only way it works. Seriously, our fees don't cover a full-time beater for each pupil, and even if they did, most kids would pass out by morning break.
REPORTER: So you mix the knocking with other courses and pursuits?
BALFF: Precisely.
REPORTER: But, what about those who say that by giving Tarquin a mixed education in Knockery and deeply contrasting subjects, you aren't setting him up to be a successful student in higher education?
BALFF: Jesus, Eamonn, he's only applied to the University Of Life, they'll take bloody anybody.
REPORTER: Thank you very much, Gerard Balff.
BALFF: It was a pleasure. [Loud punching noise]
CRYING) Why didn't anyone tell me? How was I supposed to know? This is all your fault!