EXT. LAY BY. NIGHT.
2 POLICE OFFICERS WALK TOWARDS A PINK CAR THEY HAVE JUST PULLED OVER. PC SMITH KNOCKS ON THE WINDOW WHICH SEEMS QUITE STEAMED UP.
PC SMITH
Step out of the vehicle please.
(PAUSE)
THERE IS NO RESPONSE SO PC SMITH KNOCKS AGAIN. THE WINDOW OPENS TO REVEAL A DRUNKEN BLOKE WITH A PARTY HAT ON. THE CAR HAS GOT PINK INTERIOR AND A FLUFFY DICE HANGING UP.
BLOKE
Sorry, the window is air tight so I couldn’t hear a thing with it closed.
PC SMITH
That’s ok, would you like to step out of the vehicle please.
BLOKE
Not really, I’d like to go home and have a kip. Jumping into my warm bed sounds pretty good from where I’m sitting, it has been a long night and//
PC SMITH
It wasn’t a question, it was an order!
BLOKE
(LOOKS SURPRISED)
Ok, let me just grab my coat.
BLOKE REACHES INTO THE BACK FOR HIS COAT.
BLOKE (CON’TD)
Oh crap, I must have left it at the party. I’ll give Tony a ring to see if he can drop it off.
BLOKE PUTS A MOBILE PHONE TO HIS EAR.
PC SMITH
If you continue to resist sir, we’re going to have to put you under arrest.
BLOKE
(LOOKS SHOCKED)
No worries, I’ll get out.
BLOKE DROPS HIS PHONE AND QUICKLY GETS OUT OF THE VEHICLE. HIS JEANS AND PANTS ARE HALFWAY DOWN HIS LEGS. THE POLICE OFFICERS LOOK AT EACH OTHER WITH CONFUSED EXPRESSIONS.
PC SMITH
So what has been going on tonight then, why were you swerving?
BLOKE
I was dodging moles. The hills they make in the road would’ve wrecked my suspension if I’d have gone over them so I had no choice but to alter my direction slightly.
PC SMITH
(LAUGHS)
Moles don’t dig up roads, you expect us to believe that.
BLOKE
You would be surprised, they have hard heads and can bash through most things.
PC REED TAKES NOTES AND SPEAKS INTO HIS WALKIE TALKIE.
PC SMITH
Is this your vehicle?
BLOKE
Of course it is.
THE POLICE OFFICERS PEER AT THE GIRLY PINK CAR.
BLOKE (CON’TD)
I’m in touch with my feminine side, have you got a problem with that?
THE POLICE OFFICERS SHRUG AND SHAKE THERE HEADS.
PC SMITH
Can you tell me the make of your car?
BLOKE
Jaguar, it is a dream to drive. Smooth and comfortable, just the way I like it.
PC SMITH
Are you taking the piss lad, it is a ford fiesta!
BLOKE
(LOOKS AT CAR)
So it is, I’ve got such a large collection of automobiles that I forget which one I take out sometimes.
PC SMITH
Have you been drinking?
BLOKE
Nope, I’m T total. I brought alcoholic beverages all round for my mates because I’m a generous guy but I stuck to the fizzy mineral water. Somebody has got to take responsibility and be the sensible one, in my opinion you don’t need to drink to have a good time.
(BURPS)
PC SMITH
That is ok then, you won’t mind taking a breathalyser test.
BLOKE
I hate to burst your bubble but I do mind. All that fizz from the mineral water has made me very windy; I think I’d end up popping your contraption.
PC SMITH
You won’t, it has consumed a lot worse than that.
BLOKE
I’ll prove to you that I’m not frazzled.
PC SMITH
You sure will, by giving us a breath sample.
BLOKE
There is no point though because I have a fast digestive system, even if I have had a drink the system won’t give you an accurate result. I’m sorry about my odd bodyworks, how about I read your names instead to show you that my eyes can focus.
BLOKE WOBBLES AND LOOKS AT THE POLICE OFFICERS NAME BADGES.
BLOKE (CON’TD)
PC Spliff and PC Weed. See, I’m 100% sober.
PC REED WHISPERS SOMETHING IN HIS PARTNERS EAR.
PC SMITH
You’re in a lot of trouble sunshine. You were swerving, you refuse to take a breathalyser test and my partner informs me that this is a stolen vehicle! Before I arrest you, tell me why your pants are down? Not been messing about with hookers as well have you? That is illegal in itself but having sexual liaisons with them whilst driving is even more of a serious offence.
BLOKE
As if, I’d never pay to get laid!
A RING DONUT DROPS FROM UNDER THE BLOKES SHIRT ONTO THE FLOOR. PC REED PICKS IT UP.
BLOKE (CON’TD)
(LOOKS EMBARRASSED)
I wouldn’t recommend it pc weed, the sugar on it gave me a sore cock.
THE POLICE OFFICERS LOOK DISGUSTED AND ESCORT THE BLOKE TO THEIR VAN.
END
