EXT. STREET. DAY.
A POSTMAN IS STOOD AT SOMEONES FRONT DOOR CARRYING A PARCEL. HE KNOCKS AND AN OLD WOMAN ANSWERS.
POSTMAN
Hello.
OLD LADY
Hello.
POSTMAN
Parcel for you madam.
OLD LADY
Oh, thank you dear.
POSTMAN
No problem. I don’t make a habit of this but is there any chance I can use your toilet?
OLD LADY
Of course, come in.
OLD LADY STEPS A SIDE AND LETS THE POSTMAN IN.
POSTMAN
I’m very sorry, I don’t mean to intrude.
OLD LADY
Don’t worry; we all need to go sometime.
OLD LADY LETS OUT A SMALL GIGGLE AND POINTS TO THE BATHROOM.
OLD LADY (CON’TD)
I’ll just be in the kitchen.
POSTMAN
Thank you, I really appreciate this.
POSTMAN GOES INTO THE BATHROOM WHILST THE OLD LADY MAKES HER WAY INTO THE KITCHEN. THERE IS A LOUD FART AND A PLOPPING NOISE. A MOMENT LATER THE TOILET FLUSHES AND THE POSTMAN EMERGES WIPING SWEAT FROM HIS FOREHEAD. HE HANGS HIS BAG AND COAT UP ON THE BANISTER, WANDERS INTO THE OLD LADY’S LIVING ROOM AND SITS DOWN IN AN ARM CHAIR. HE STRETCHES HIS ARMS, LEANS BACK AND THEN PUSHES A BUTTON SO THE CHAIR’S RECLINER COMES OUT. THE POSTMAN LETS OUT A SATISFIED YAWN AND FINDS A TV REMOTE NEXT TO HIM ON A COFFEE TABLE. HE PICKS IT UP, SWITCHES THE TV ON AND FLICKS HIS SHOES OFF.
POSTMAN
(SHOUTS)
Make us a bacon butty will you love, I’m a bit peckish. Don’t forget to put brown sauce in it.
A FEW SECONDS LATER THE OLD LADY COMES INTO THE LIVING ROOM. SHE STANDS BEHIND THE POSTMAN WITH HANDS ON HIPS AND A LOOK OF DISBELIEF.
OLD LADY
Excuse me!
POSTMAN SNIFFS THE AIR AND TURNS HIS HEAD TOWARDS THE HALL WHERE HE HAS JUST BEEN TO THE TOILET.
POSTMAN
Silent but violent, you’re a sly one aren’t you. Don’t worry about it, if you can’t pass wind in your own house where can you? At least you did it discreetly, my pumps sound like a foghorn as you’re probably aware of from earlier.
OLD LADY
(LOOKS ANGRY)
What do you think you’re doing?
POSTMAN
I’m chilling out and watching TV, I feel more shagged out than a porn star. Have you made that bacon butty yet?
POSTMAN CLAPS HIS HANDS TWICE
POSTMAN (CON’TD)
Chop chop, I haven’t got all day. I notice you don’t have sky, you got any decent DVDs I can slip in because nothing on the normal channels seems to be appealing to me? It isn’t a problem if you’re collection doesn’t cut the mustard though; I could always whack a CD on instead.
OLD LADY
Get out of my house now!
POSTMAN
Oh sorry, if I’d have known you wanted to hoover and dust I would have gone and sat in your back garden. It is a nice warm day and it would have been rather relaxing eating my bacon butty with the tranquillity of birds tweeting. I’ll get out of your way so you can clean.
POSTMAN GETS UP AND PUTS HIS SHOES BACK ON.
POSTMAN (CON’TD)
I hope the rest of your house isn’t as grubby as this room, it will take you forever. Is there a deckchair out the back, I might take advantage of the lovely weather and do a spot of sunbathing.
OLD LADY
Don’t even think about it, you are going straight out the front door. I can’t believe your cheek! You stink my toilet out and accuse me of the smell, you sit on my furniture, you use my TV and then you say my house is dirty-I only had it decorated last month!
POSTMAN
And there was me thinking you were a kind old lady, how wrong I was-you are nothing but a witch!
POSTMAN WALKS INTO THE HALL AND STARTS TO PUT HIS COAT AND BAG BACK ON.
POSTMAN (CON’TD)
Look up the word hospitality, you might learn something. Plate that bacon butty up for me and I’ll eat it elsewhere, I’m not prepared to take anymore of your abuse!
OLD LADY OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND PUSHES THE POSTMAN OUT.
OLD LADY
There is no bacon butty!
POSTMAN LOOKS STUNNED AS THE DOOR SLAMS. HE TAKES A FEW SECONDS TO REGAIN HIMSELF THEN WALKS TO THE NEXT DOOR, HE GETS OUT A PARCEL AND KNOCKS.
END
