THE REGAL
The action starts in the entertainments office of a provisional theatre called The Regal. It's the kind place that only ever seem to have tribute acts on and the dearth of talent is such is that there is an Eagles tribute band made up of theatre staff (Don, Glen and Bernie) called The Regal Eagles. They are always breaking up only to reform for a weekly farewell concert.
Susan, the bookings' manager, is on the phone talking to an agent and seems genuinely excited by the prospect of securing a big show. The phone call ends and Susan quietly hangs up. Her shoulders sag and she puts her head in her hands in despair.
SUSAN: What have I done?
DON: What's up?
SUSAN: I've just agreed to something I vowed I'd never do...
GLEN: Ooo, that sounds saucy!
SUSAN: ...I've booked us up with an Elvis tribute act.
GLEN: Ah.
DON: Oh great another dead performer rises again. Jeez, when is this place going to deal with the land of the living? There's enough embalming fluid out there to fill a swimming pool.
GLEN: He has a point. Who is it tonight? Bloody Holly?
SUSAN: Yeah, complete with mock plane crash which I think is in very bad taste. I had no idea until we had the papier mache wreckage delivered this morning.
DON: Then on Thursday we have Freddie More Curry, an Asian Queen tribute act and then it's the Jimi Hendrix near-death Experience on Friday.
SUSAN: Yeah, yeah I know. I'm well aware we've got to try and attract bigger names here.
BERNIE: Englebert Humperdink? That's a big name.
SUSAN: No that's a long name. He might be living, at least I think he's living, but we simply don't have enough letters for the sign out front. Have you seen what's up there at the moment?
CUT TO SIGN OF THEATRE ENTRANCE WITH SIGN THAT SAYS '_HIS WEE_ _RANK SINATRA T_I__T_'
SUSAN: I had to take the Elvis gig or it would've been the Regal Eagles again.
GLEN: And what's so bad about that? According to the terms of our contract we do have a residency here.
SUSAN: That's a tenancy agreement and a dodgy one at that. Squatting in the old projector room does not constitute a residency.
DON: Maybe having Elvis 2 ain't so bad. Should get a decent if demented crowd in though. I'll order more burgers. Let's see how many heart attacks we can get by the interval.
SUSAN: If we can get just one big star I'm sure other will follow. C'mon, break over guys. Let's get the place sorted for tonight. Bernie? Can you listen for the phone for five minutes?
BERNIE: Can't hear anything.
SUSAN: (SIGHS) Be sure to let me know if you do.
The team exits and Bernie is left alone and almost immediately the phone starts ringing. The first call is from another Elvis impersonator who Bernie assumes is the same guy as before. Then another calls and then another, all booking the same night. Bernie is not bright enough to realise he's multiple booking Elvis impersonators for the same evening so it's no surprise that when Elvis Costello rings up he's treated in exactly the same way. When Susan returns she is none the wiser.
Cut to THE REGAL FOYER (two weeks later)
The Regal is overrun with stereotyped Elvises all doing the actions and singing loudly. Susan decides to get round the multiple bookings problem by holding an impromptu lookalike contest. She bumps into Elvis Costello who has just arrived.
ELVIS C: Hi, I'm Elvis - I'm here for the show.
Susan looks him up and down and is unimpressed by she thinks is his outfit for the competition - she clearly hasn't recognised him.
SUSAN: Really?
ELVIS C: Er, yes.
SUSAN: Oh well, sign this then.
Susan passes him an entry form for the competition
ELVIS C: Sorry, I don't sign autographs
SUSAN: Look pal, I haven't got all day for deluded wannabies.
ELVIS C: I don't have to play in this ghetto y'know - it's now or never...
SUSAN: Huh, very funny but your accent isn't right. If you want to have any chance in this competition you need to work some more on your act. You can lose those NHS specs for a kick off.
Upset at this Elvis Costello decides to leave but takes the opportunity to nick a packet of sweets from the refreshment counter and slip out the main entrance. This is spotted by Susan who makes an announcement over the tannoy.
SUSAN: An Elvis has left the building and he's nicked a packet of Revels!
DON: It's alright - the Police are after him.
Shortly after Elivis Costello returns but it's not the Old Bill with him but a Police tribute act who have turned up on the wrong night. They have performed a citizen's arrest.
STING IMPERSONATOR: Every breath you take, every move you make, I'll be watching you.
He then does a cliched copper bending of the knees. Unfortunately Elvis Costello has already gone again and everyone starts blaming one another for letting him get away.
Cut to POLICE STATION
Elvis Costello has been recaptured and a (real) police line-up has been organised with all the Elvis impersonators in full regalia. The are annoying the duty seargent by dancing around and singing 'Jailhouse Rock'. Susan walks down the line and half way she stops to find Elvis Costello with a sinister smile slowly eating the sweets.
SEARGENT: Is the man who stole from the theatre?
Susan is about to say yes but suddenly Elvis fixes her with an angry stare. The camera shot cuts between the two faces getting closer each time.
SEARGENT: Madam? Is this the man?
SUSAN: (FLUSTERED) Um, no. It's him.
Susan points to an elderly, and utterly unconvincing, Elvis beside him
SEARGENT: OK constable, take him away. (TO ELVIS COSTELLO) Sir? Are you OK?
ELVIS C: Uh-huh-huh! (SWIVELS HIPS)
The impersonators then begin another chourus of 'Jailhouse Rock' and the sargeant rolls his eyes.
SARGEANT: Shut it! Right you lot - you're free to go.
ELVIS LINE-UP (ALL): Thank you very much.
ENDS
