You Know Where to Come..

I've rewritten this. See the 12th entry and please tell me if you understand it now.

INT. NIGHT ONE WOMAN IS TALKING TO HER FRIEND AT A TABLE OVER A GLASS OF WINE.

Woman 1:
I bought this DVD player today and it’s bloody broken.

Woman 2: Doesn’t work at all?

Woman 1:
Knackered, have to take it back.

Woman 2:
Demand a refund, take no excuses from them.

V/O Woman 1:
So I march down there and slam it down on the counter...

MONTAGE OF CU OF HER HEELS AS SHE STOMPS INTO THE DOWN AT HEEL ELECTRICAL SHOP THE NEXT DAY. POV ASSISTANT AS THE DOORS FLY OPEN. EYE LEVEL SHOT OF HER DETERMINED EXPRESSION AS SHE APPROACHES THE COUNTER.

Male Assistant:
Morning madam.

Woman 1:
Er, I bought this DVD player and I think there may be something wrong with it.

SHE GIGGLES DEMURELY

Assistant:
Did you plug it in?

Woman1:
Of course!

Assistant:
You didn’t put a VHS cassette in did you?

Woman 1:
No!

HE INSPECTS THE MACHINE.

Assistant:
Could be the JPEG exchange function reading gif files and corrupting the mpeg4 codecs.

Woman 1:
Wot?

Assistant:
If you bought it more than 24 minutes ago we’ll have to take it to be repaired –call out charge of 84 quid, parts and labour on top of that.. I were you i’d just bin it.

Woman 1:
Oh. OK then.

CUT BACK TO THE TWO WOMEN AT THE TABLE, DRINKING WINE.

Woman 2:
You bloody didn’t!

Woman 1:
Don’t worry, I’ll get him back.

ZOOM INTO ECU OF HER EYES. CUT TO ECU OF EYES OF ASSISTANT. SHE HURLS THE DVD PLAYER AT HIM FOLLOWED BY THE LEADS AND REMOTE.

Woman 1 (shouting):
There! You sell batteries?

Assistant:
Er, yes.

Woman 1 (shouting):
I’ll have them all. For all my vibrating cocks.

Assistant :
But –

A MAN IN A MACKINTOSH WALKS IN, A LONELY LOOKING FIGURE TRAILING A HEAVILY LADEN CARIER BAG ON THE FLOOR.

Woman 1:
What about coconuts? Do you sell ‘em?

SHE GOES NOSE TO NOSE WITH HIM

Woman 1:
How much. For your coconuts?

Assistant:
This is an electrical retailer –

P.OV ASSISTANT, THE WOMAN’S FACE AGAINST THE LENS OF THE CAMERA.

Woman:
What about mice? Do – you – sell – mice?

Assistant:
Look, you should have purchased an extended warranty. End of the day it’s peace of mind..

SFX: LOW, HAUNTING STRINGS. CUT TO ECU OF THE WOMAN’S EYES NARROWING WITH RAGE.
DISSOLVE TO A LOW ANGLE SHOT OF THE MAN IN THE NOW BLOOD-SPATTERED MACKINTOSH PULLING A WHITE SHEET OVER THE HEAD OF THE ASSISTANT, P.O.V THE ASSISTANT.
THE SCREEN GOES BLACK.
CUT BACK TO THE TWO WOMEN AT THE TABLE.

Woman 2:
You really shouldn’t have ripped his knob off..

FADE WITH THE SOUND OF POLICE SIRENS.

Sorry, didn't understand it at all. What have I missed!?! Who and what is significance of Macintosh Man? I can understand Woman 1 being completely pissed off ... but what have coconuts and mice got to do with anything? I must be getting really old!

Fred, I once had a producer tell me off for telling his people how to do their jobs. In the script I'd put just a few simple references in about close-ups etc. He said that the one thing that irritates production teams is when the writers tell others what angles and shot to use.

Although it does help to envisage this sketch, you'll find resistance to the idea if you put camera direction into the Action sections of your script.

Also it really slows down the pace for the reader.

Plus this exchange confused me as I wasn't sure of the assistant's gender until later and the demure giggle seemed so out of juncture with the determined approach of Woman1 that I assumed it had to be the assistant and it had therefore to be a woman.

Woman 1:
Er, I bought this DVD player and I think there may be something wrong with it.

SHE GIGGLES DEMURELY

Much better to use the name tag instead of impersonal he / she

Woman 1:
Er, I bought this DVD player and I think there may be something wrong with it.

WOMAN 1 GIGGLES DEMURELY

That way no confusion (for me at least)

I agree... the BBC told me to leave a 3inch gap at the side of the scripts i sent in because the director en all hate being told what to do... and they start moaning... like cock-a-twos having their nails clipped

Sorry - but I don't get it either!

I've just seen that the first time the assistant is referred to it is as Male Assistant but then the rest of the name tags break convention and refer to 'male assistant' as 'assistant'

It's a minor point but name tags should be totally consistent even in long pieces like sitcoms. They don't like switching.

Good advice.

I've adjusted it now. Thanks SlagA and Reiss. Mike - it's a comedy sketch - I'm not going to squeeze the life out of any potential humour by explaining it! You're not old, I'm probs too obscure!

INT. NIGHT ONE WOMAN IS TALKING TO HER FRIEND AT A TABLE OVER A GLASS OF WINE.

Woman 1:
I bought this DVD player today and it’s bloody broken.

Woman 2: Doesn’t work at all?

Woman 1:
Knackered, have to take it back.

Woman 2:
Demand a refund, take no excuses from them.

V/O Woman 1:
So I march down there and slam it down on the counter...

CU OF HER HEELS AS SHE STOMPS INTO THE DOWN AT HEEL ELECTRICAL SHOP THE NEXT DAY. THE DOORS FLY OPEN. SHE APPROACHES THE COUNTER.

Male Assistant:
Morning madam.

Woman 1:
Er, I bought this DVD player and I think there may be something wrong with it.

SHE GIGGLES DEMURELY

Assistant:
Did you plug it in?

Woman1:
Of course!

Assistant:
You didn’t put a VHS cassette in did you?

Woman 1:
No!

HE INSPECTS THE MACHINE.

Assistant:
Could be the JPEG exchange function reading gif files and corrupting the mpeg4 codecs.

Woman 1:
Wot?

Assistant:
If you bought it more than 24 minutes ago we’ll have to take it to be repaired –call out charge of 84 quid, parts and labour on top of that.. I were you i’d just bin it.

Woman 1:
Oh. OK then.

CUT BACK TO THE TWO WOMEN AT THE TABLE, DRINKING WINE.

Woman 2:
You bloody didn’t!

Woman 1:
Don’t worry, I’ll get him back.

SHE HURLS THE DVD PLAYER AT HIM FOLLOWED BY THE LEADS AND REMOTE.

Woman 1 (shouting):
There! You sell batteries?

Assistant:
Er, yes.

Woman 1 (shouting):
I’ll have them all. For all my vibrating cocks.

Assistant :
But –

A MAN IN A MACKINTOSH WALKS IN, A LONELY LOOKING FIGURE TRAILING A HEAVILY LADEN CARIER BAG ON THE FLOOR.

Woman 1:
What about coconuts? Do you sell ‘em?

SHE GOES NOSE TO NOSE WITH HIM

Woman 1:
How much. For your coconuts?

Assistant:
This is an electrical retailer –

Woman:
What about mice? Do – you – sell – mice?

Assistant:
Look, you should have purchased an extended warranty. End of the day it’s peace of mind..

SFX: LOW, HAUNTING STRINGS. CUT TO THE WOMAN’S EYES NARROWING WITH RAGE.
DISSOLVE TO THE MAN IN THE NOW BLOOD-SPATTERED MACKINTOSH PULLING A WHITE SHEET OVER THE HEAD OF THE ASSISTANT
THE SCREEN GOES BLACK.
CUT BACK TO THE TWO WOMEN AT THE TABLE.

Woman 2:
You really shouldn’t have ripped his knob off..

FADE WITH THE SOUND OF POLICE SIRENS.

PS I liked it.

Am I being completely stupid, I don't get it either?

Hmmm........er......not sure what's going on here?
Maybe visually it would work however it's not coming alive off the page for me, but I'm no expert.

I have zero idea what's going on in this sketch.

The mice.......the coconuts, don't you get it?

No, I'm afraid it was lost on me too.

Do you get it now?

INT. NIGHT ONE WOMAN IS TALKING TO HER FRIEND AT A TABLE OVER A GLASS OF WINE.

Woman 1:
I bought this DVD player today and it’s bloody broken.

Woman 2: Doesn’t work at all?

Woman 1:
Knackered, I'll have to take it back.

Woman 2:
Demand a refund, take no excuses from them.

V/O Woman 1:
So I march down there and slam it down on the counter...

SHE STOMPS INTO THE DOWN AT HEEL ELECTRICAL SHOP THE NEXT DAY. THE DOORS FLY OPEN. SHE APPROACHES THE COUNTER.

Assistant:
Morning madam.

Woman 1:
Er, I bought this DVD player and I think there may be something wrong with it.

SHE GIGGLES DEMURELY

Assistant:
Did you plug it in?

Woman1:
Of course!

Assistant:
You didn’t put a VHS cassette in did you?

Woman 1:
No!

HE INSPECTS THE MACHINE.

Assistant:
Could be the JPEG exchange function reading gif files and corrupting the mpeg4 codecs.

Woman 1:
Wot?

Assistant:
Can't give you a refund. If you bought it more than 24 minutes ago we’ll have to take it to be repaired – call out charge of 84 quid, parts and labour on top of that.. if I were you i’d just bin it.

Woman 1:
Oh. OK then.

CUT BACK TO THE TWO WOMEN AT THE TABLE, THE FOLLOWING NIGHT, DRINKING WINE.

Woman 2:
You bloody didn’t!

Woman 1:
Don’t worry, I’ll get him back.

NEXT DAY, SHE ENTERS THE SHOP AGAIN, HOLDING THE DVD PLAYER.

Woman 1 (shouting):
I'd really like a refund now.

Assistant:
No can do.

Woman 1:
I'll make a scene.

Assistant:
Be my guest.

SHE HURLS THE DVD PLAYER AT HIM FOLLOWED BY THE LEADS AND REMOTE.

Woman 1:
There! You sell batteries?

Assistant:
Er, yes.

Woman 1 (shouting):
I’ll have them all. For all my vibrating cocks.

Assistant :
But –

Woman 1:
What about coconuts? Do you sell ‘em?

SHE GOES NOSE TO NOSE WITH HIM

Woman 1:
How much. For your coconuts?

Assistant:
This is an electrical retailer –

P.OV ASSISTANT, THE WOMAN’S FACE AGAINST THE LENS OF THE CAMERA.

Woman:
What about mice? Do – you – sell – mice?

Assistant:
Look, you should have purchased an extended warranty. End of the day it’s peace of mind..

SFX: LOW, HAUNTING STRINGS. CUT TO THE WOMAN’S EYES NARROWING WITH RAGE.
DISSOLVE TO SOMEONE OFF SCREEN PULLING A BLOOD SPATTERED WHITE SHEET OVER THE HEAD OF THE ASSISTANT, P.O.V THE ASSISTANT.
THE SCREEN GOES BLACK.
CUT BACK TO THE TWO WOMEN AT THE TABLE.

Woman 2:
You really shouldn’t have ripped his knob off..

FADE WITH THE SOUND OF POLICE SIRENS.

I still don't, sorry.

Maybe I'm losing it. Seems quite a simple idea to me...