Opening to a mockumentry about PCSO's
EXT. COUNCIL ESTATE - DAY
PCSO BARRY BUCKTROUT cycles towards a police portacabin.
Narrator
It's 7:30am on a Monday morning and Police Community Support Officer Barry Bucktrout has arrived at work.
BARRY gets off his bicycle takes off his helmet and bicycle clips.
Narrator
On a West Yorkshire council estate stands the portacabin where Barry and his team of Police Community Support Officers run their operations.
Barry
(TO THE INTERVIEWER)
Here we are then, the 'hub' centre of operations. The amazing thing about this job is you never know what's going to happen from one day to the next. Behind this door officers could be working on anything from a road traffic incident to a murder.
BARRY opens the door.
INT. PORTACABIN - DAY
Inside the portacabin,
PCSO DAVE HARRIS (50's, balding, unkempt) is sat reading a newspaper with the headline 'JESUS' FACE FOUND IN SKID MARK'.
PCSO BRAD COLLINS (Early 30's, camp) is looking in the mirror dressed in full drag and removing his make-up.
PCSO LIAM TULLEY (20's tall, lazy) is reading a porn magazine entitled 'GASH'
BARRY
(TO BRAD)
What the hell's this?
BRAD looks shocked to see BARRY but pleased to see the camera.
Brad
(COVERING HIS FACE)
Oh my god, caught on camera. I forgot it was today, don't get me on there looking like this I look a right state.
Barry
Why haven't you got your uniform on?
Brad
I'm putting it on once I've got my make-up off.
Barry
Why are you wearing make-up?
Brad
I was doing a show last night at Gigolo's. (TO CAMERA) I'm a drag artiste, Miss Delilah Duvalle, I sing, I dance, I...
Barry
Alright, that's enough Shirley, this isn't an audition for Britain's Got Talent you know, this is a serious documentary about serious work, serious police work which is what you lot should be doing.
LIAM puts down his magazine.
Liam
We don't start 'til eight.
Barry
Oh really? Do you think criminals work shifts? Do you think they clock on and clock off?
Liam
No but...
Barry
Exactly young man. Now you're new to this, and one thing you need to learn is that a police officer is never off duty, do you understand me?
Liam
I'm not a police officer though.
Barry
You're as good as. Once you put that uniform on you're part of her majesty's constabulary, that uniform suggests discipline, authority, pride.
BARRY notices LIAM'S shoes - On the right it says 'WAN' and the left says 'ker'.
Barry
What's that?
Liam
What's what?
Barry
On your shoes? Wanker? Who's done that?
Liam
Oh it was my girlfriend, we've had a row, she found out that I'd been with the girl from the chippy on Lowcroft Road.
Barry
Well get it cleaned off.
Liam
I've tried, it won't come off.
Barry
Well you can't pound the beat with obscenities scrawled upon your person.
Liam
Why not?
Barry
Have you not listened to a word I've said about what the uniform stands for?
Liam
Yeah I understand that, what I mean is half the people around here can't read anyway.
