You know banks? They tell you this guff about them being the best place for money. I dunno about that - whenever I want some they never give me any...not unless I point a pistol in the cashier's face.
And newsagents. What a waste of time they are. When I watch the news I want to see a major disaster with explosions and David Cameron breaking his back by falling down the stairs. All newsagents are is a load of paper. That's is why I set fire to them and post clips of the ensuing inferno on YouTube. Now THAT's news.
And MacDonald's. All over the place they are. With an oink oink here and and oink oink there and a moo moo here and moo moo there. I have to say the old fella has done very well considering he started with a farm and doesn't know all his vowels...
E...I...E...I...Oh, nevermind...
Actually I'm a nice guy. I'm a pussycat really. Probably explains why that whenever I see a dog it bites me on the f**king ankle.
I apologise for swearing. It's not in my nature if I'm honest. Which I'm not. Which means I swear all the time. But not out loud. Which makes it all a bit of a waste of time really. Much like the last 30 seconds of this routine...and the two minutes before it. And the two minutes coming up...
And swearing is just an excuse for a cheap laugh I always think. I could come up with the cleverest play on words and no-one would bat an eye-lid but if I shouted ARSE! for no reason you'd all be falling about...ah, bang goes that theory...
Actually, what the heck does 'bat an eyelid' mean? When was the last time you saw Jimmy Anderson bowl an eyelid down the wicket at Lords? Mind you, you could catch someone's eye by standing at silly point so anything's possible. [pokes eye with middle finger]
And the Olympics. Have you heard about this? Lots of people running and jumping about in the East End. Didn't we have enough of all that last year with riots? I've heard there's some torch relay happening as well looking to bring the nation together for some community arson. Again.
