Yeah, so I don't really write much comedy these days, but here's the last thing I wrote.
INT. SCIENCE LAB
A male and female physicist are looking at a long and complex equation on a whiteboard.
MAN:
This is the toughest equation that I've ever seen. I'm just glad that you're here.
The woman moves up close to the man.
WOMAN:
(COY) Oh really?
MAN:
Yes. Your skill with quadratic equations is second to none.
The woman rolls her eyes and shakes her head.
MAN:
What do you think about reversing this radial fraction?
WOMAN:
Blah blah blah! Radial fraction! Whoop dee doo!
MAN:
Look, I know it's stressful, but there's no need to-
WOMAN:
Mother was right! You physicists are interested in nothing but my brain!
MAN:
We haven't got time for this.
WOMAN:
Does it really make me any less of a woman just because I don't wear fake eyelashes, fake tan and haven't brushed my teeth in weeks?!
MAN:
If we don't solve this equation then millions of people are going to die.
WOMAN:
Fondle me inappropriately then!
MAN:
No!
WOMAN:
Why?! Because I haven't got an arse?! It's not my fault it's flatter than Holland, but I guess you don't care about that. Not whilst I can analyse a Pythagorean integer within an inch of it's life.
MAN:
You're right. I've been such a fool. How could I not see it?
WOMAN:
Finally! So, who's going on top?
MAN:
No, I meant the Pythagorean integers. Look!
The man starts scribbling on the whiteboard.
WOMAN:
Jesus Christ!
The woman grabs hold of the man and kisses him passionately. She breaks off.
WOMAN:
What do you say to that?
MAN:
You're really not going to help unless we...
The man makes some half hearted thrusting motions. The woman nods.
MAN:
Ok, but first, just let me...
The man goes back to the whiteboard and writes, at the end of the equation, a plus symbol followed by a Pi symbol which he squares
WOMAN:
Look, I know this jumper may be frumpier than Dorset, but underneath there's breasts! Real lady breasts!
MAN:
Would you still say that if I did this?
The man rubs out the squared the symbol and replaces it with a cubed symbol.
WOMAN:
Oh my God! That's amazing, but... I... must... resist... the... trigonometry...
The woman screams and runs over to the whiteboard where she starts scribbling frantically. She stops.
WOMAN:
There you are! You've got what you want! I hope you're happy!
MAN:
Do you want me to call you a taxi?
ENDS
