NJ: Public School Rioting

Epic Fail #2,487

Dan

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Public School Rioting
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JUSTIN:
Boris Johnson this week claimed that poor schools helped to cause last year's rioting around the country. Presumably, this was blamed primarily on barely-understandable placards, painted badly by pupils failing geography, directing troublemakers who can't read, to the appropriate locations.

ATMOSCHOOL ASSEMBLY

HEADTEACHER:
(VERY POSH) Settle down, settle down, please! As I'm sure you are well aware, Boris Johnson says that poor schools helped cause the rioting last year. Now, your parents don't pay tens of thousands of pounds here to be lagging behind a common comprehensive in *any* discipline, so we've invested in a consultant streetwise development provider to educate you to a high standard of rioting and looting. Please welcome to the stage, Mr Bricktop Edmonds.

F/X:APPLAUSE

BRICKTOP:
Shattit!

F/X:APPLAUSE STOPS

BRICKTOP:
Now, this, is a Molotov cocktail. You see your teachers over there? Hup!

F/X:MOLOTOV COCKTAIL LANDING AND EXPLODING. BURNING THROUGHOUT

HEADTEACHER:
Oh dear! Oo, that's hot.

BRICKTOP:
Shut your mush, pig! Lesson one: always keep authority figures behind some sort of wall. Lesson two, find yourself a branch of JD Sports, find yourself a brick, and make sure you throw it at the bottom left of the winda'. Hup!

F/X:HALL WINDOW BREAKING

HEADTEACHER:
Oh dear. The caretaker will go loopy. Now, Mr Edmunds, I really must insist--

BRICKTOP:
Zip your face, Mortarboard! Now, this ensures you don't ruin the trainers you're tryin' to nick. Always remember to pick the trainers with the most-cushioned sole, as this will help you run away from the rozzers. They're in boots; they can't run without getting blister so you're well away.

Lesson three: ain't no honour among thieves during a riot. So grab someone sat near you, hit them and steal their stuff. Go on. Hup!

F/XAUSE. SINGLE TENTATIVE PUNCH AND 'OW!' FOLLOWED BY MASSIVE RIOT

BRICKTOP:
That's it! Laaaavely!

F/X:FIRE ALARM STARTS UP

BRICKTOP:
What's that?! Sirens!

F/X:MAN RUNNING AWAY

BRICKTOP:
Scatter, kids! Save yourselves!

HEADTEACHER:
(SHOUTING) Well, thank you, Mr Edmunds. That should keep us top of the league tables.

F/X:EXPLOSION

END

It's a clever idea, but I think it relies a bit too heavily on Bricktop and so doesn't feel like it goes anywhere. Perhaps you could give some snotty school kids some lines just to increase the conflict with Bricktop - maybe they don't even know what a JD Sports is or something like that.The headmaster's character is maybe superfluous too, as he more or less repeats Justin's intro. And we know he's going to be alarmed at the damage to the school which makes his lines not that funny. Instead you could have Bricktop explaining why he's at the school and then a few cocky kids causing problems for him... or...er... something.

I don't think Bricktop Edmunds has life outside a Deal or No Deal parody.