Justin - The government are planning to issue a minimum price for alcohol, which may break EU law - many say we are picking a fight we can't win like whenever I disagree with my wife. Here at Newsjack we hate waiting for things so we have invented a time machine to witness the case now - I was kept away from the machine all day because I kept visiting the set of The Seven Year Itch to watch the Marilyn Monroe skirt blowing scene.
F/X buttons being pressed and travelling sound
Judge - Can the prosecutor give her closing statement?
Woman 1 - During the case we have heard of bankrupt kebab shop owners, road workers with a surplus of traffic cones and the extinction of late night infomercials for CDs containing songs you know by singers you don't. But I would like to close by drawing the courts attention to a saying populated by Geordie Shore; "Brain it" The definition of which is to drink without limitations or consequences. But did you know it is also an anagram of Britain! Need I say anymore? Except let Britain be Britain
Judge - Now the defence
Man 1 - My learned friend has painted a bleak world but she has neglected to mention Paul Gascoignes fantastic tenure as the England manger, the dramatic drop in the obesity statistics and not forgetting the fantastic NHS related statistics; over fifty per cent of doctors now work sober. I implore you to make the right decision
Judge - Do you not have an anagram?
Man 1 - Erm give me a moment -NITIRAIB?
Judge - I have made my decision. I find in favour of
F/X buttons being pressed
Justin - Oh no I've accidently pressed the time machine buttons
F/X buttons travelling sound
Director - Seven year itch subway grate take twelve
Justin -What are the odds!
END