Skit Comp 29.3 - 5.4.12

Thanks to those who've stayed loyal to the comp in this time of frantic jacking (News) and congratulations to some tossbag called Michael Monkhouse for winning. Get ludicrously yet legitimately poo-faced and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:

Points - Votes - Name

2 - 10 - Michael Monkhouse

Your new subject: CRIME.

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except the bastard who never paid me (you know who you are).
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 5.4.12

Overall Leader Board is now:

Position - Points - Name
1 - 30 - Otterfox
2 - 25 - Michael Monkhouse
3 - 13 - Shandonbelle
4 - 10 - Gappy, Ishy
5 - 3 - Craig H, Shirl the Whirl

PS Check out the hall of fame in the thread called, um, Hall of Fame.

BLOKE My house got burnt down.

MATE Arson fire?

BLOKE Yes and the rest of me.

[Police line up room, a la The Usual Suspects. WITNESS is led in by 2 very nice POLICE OFFICERS. Once they're settled, a door opens and 5 SUSPECTS walk in and line up. They are all dressed as cards from the Hasbro game Guess Who?]

OFFICER 1: Now, Mrs Crabtree, take your time. I know this can be a little emotional, or perhaps scary, but don't worry, it's a highly controlled environment, OK? All I need you to do - in your own time - is tell me who stole your handbag.

WITNESS: [Tearful] I - I'm not sure.

OFFICER 1: OK, OK, that's alright. Let's see if we can break it down into little steps; did he have a moustache?

WITNESS: Yes. Yes, I think he did.

[4 of the SUSPECTS jump forwards onto the floor, leaving the 5th, ALFRED, standing]

OFFICER: Thank you so much, Mrs Crabtree. If you'd like to nip back outside, Sandra will get you a cuppa.

[WITNESS exits. OFFICERS turn far more nasty and move on ALFRED]

OFFICER 2: Right, then Alf, no messing about. We've been after you for some time.

ALFRED: This is a stitch up! It's a bloody frame up, I tell you!

OFFICER: Save it for your lawyer, Alfie boy.

ALFRED: [As he's led away] This line up was a joke. Where's Max, huh? Answer me that, where's Maaaaaaax?

[Cut to man dressed as COLONEL MUSTARD card from the game Cluedo. He is in his old style gent's club type study, rifling through the contents of a bag. He looks up, as if noticing us, and gives a long, evil laugh]

[Front room of a suburban semi during the riots, BRIAN enters the room after a busy day at work to find DARREN poised with a brick in his hand ready to throw it at the computer screen]

BRIAN: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, DARREN???

DARREN: Trying to loot Dixons online.

Not really entering the competition.

My first time of playing

=============
THE BANK JOB
=============

PRIME MINISTER: Come on George. Dig faster. Just 5 more metres and we'll be directly under the bank.

CHANCELLOR: Couldn't we just rob the pasty shop like I suggested Dave? It would have been easier.

PRIME MINISTER: We can't shift them on the black market any more. They're too hot. We've got to get our money out of RBS somehow. There's no other way.

F/X: TAPPING OF SHOVEL ON CONCRETE

PRIME MINISTER: This is it. Give it a good shove and we'll be in. And our deficit woes will be over for ever.

F/X: CRUMBLING CONCRETE

CHANCELLOR: This doesn't look the same as last week. Why is there a sandpit over there? And that camel tied to the counter.

OMAR: Hello my friends. Welcome to the Royal Bank of Abu Dhabi Scotland. Bagpuss! (CLAPS HANDS) mint tea for our guests. I am Omar.

PRIME MINISTER: You're not meant to be open, it's three in the morning.

OMAR: It is Ramadan. We close all day. And we party all night. We are open. You could have come through the door. If you are looking for Mr Bin Laden, his credit ran out. Bagpuss! (CLAPS HANDS) some of those unfeasibly sticky cakes that no one likes, for our guests.

PRIME MINISTER: Can we just get on with this. Put all the money in this bag.

OMAR: My friend. It is terribly impolite to talk about money in Arab culture. We never mention such things in this bank. Come and sit down. How are the family? Bagpuss! (CLAPS HANDS) dancing girls for our guests.

PRIME MINISTER: Right that's it.

F/X: GUN BEING COCKED

OMAR: What am I thinking. You are criminals. Where are my manners. It is our custom to extend hospitality to everyone - including criminals. I am delaying you. Take what you like.

PRIME MINISTER: That's better. Where do we start?

OMAR: We should start by amputating your hands. Bagpuss! (CLAPS HANDS) The bacon slicer.

ENDS

SCENE 1.
COURT ROOM. A TRIAL IS PROGRESS WITH AN ELDERLY AND SENILE JUDGE AND BARRISTERS IN WIGS AND ROBES. A FORTY-SOMETHING COCKNEY GUY IN A LOUD SHIRT AND SUNGLASSES IS IN THE DOCK CHEWING GUM TRYING TO LOOK COOL. A BARRISTER, MR SPOONER, IS SPEAKING FOR THE PROSECUTION.

MR SPOONER: Court is in session. The defendant, Mr Larry Crooks, is charged that on the 14th of this month that he did wilfully, and with malice of forthought, purchase hideous apparel from the clothing establishment 'Fred's Threads'. It is claimed that these garments were so vile, so depraved and obsene that they caused a great offence to the elders of the town.

LARRY: It's a free country ain't it? Can't a guy walk down the 'igh street with his dicky dirt hangin' out?

JUDGE: His what hanging out? I didn't realise there was a sexual offence involved in this case.

MR SPOONER: Dicky Dirt, Shirt mate. It's Cockney rhyming ain't it.

JUDGE: [DISAPPOINTED] Oh. Anyway, this is a court of law - can we please keep to the King's English?

MR SPOONER: The Queen's English your honour. King George VI died some time ago...about sixty years ago in fact.

JUDGE: [VISIBLY SHAKEN] Did he? Oh dear, this has come as quite a shock. I feel I should wear my black cap at half mast as a mark of respect.

THE JUDGE PLACES THE BLACK CAP [TRADITIONALLY USED FOR THE DEATH PENALTY] ON HIS HEAD AND DRAPES IT OVER HIS FACE

JUDGE: [MUFFLED] Have we had the results of the psychiatric reports Mr Spooner?

MR SPOONER: [UNCOMFORTABLE] Er, we have your honour. Of the passing pedestrians who witnessed Mr Crooks alledged offence two have shellshock, another has shellsuit shock and one elderly lady was so upset that she began screaming... [REFERS TO NOTES]..."I'm blind! I'm blind!" before violently soiling her trouser suit in Specsavers.

Judge: [EYES STILL COVERED] I see.

MR SPOONER: It is actually fortunate that you did not see, your honour. They only finished the cleaning up the store in time for re-opening on Wednesday.

THE JUDGE FINALLY WIPS OFF THE BLACK CAP IN ANNOYANCE

Judge: Be that as it may I think we should take a look at Exhibit A.

CLERK OF THE COURT: Call Exhibit A: Mr Crook's getaway suitcase.

A HIDEOUS FURRY ANIMAL PRINT SUITCASE IS BROUGHT FORWARD. THERE IS LAUGHTER IN COURT.

Judge: Please be quiet! This is apparently a very serious case...

LARRY: Serious? I thought me Laurel & Hardy motif on a leopard print background was a hoot! [LAUGHS]

MR SPOONER: If only it was as simple as that Mr Crooks. I put it to you that you thought you could distract the public's attention with this...this leopard's torso themed overnight bag.

LARRY: It aint an overnight bag it's a bleedin' suitcase...

JUDGE: [PERKING UP] Bleeding? There must've been a murder then! Did it contain severed limbs?

MR SPOONER: No, your honour.

JUDGE: [AGAIN DISAPPOINTED] Shame. Please continue.

LARRY: Look, the jury ain't even had a chance to see the clobber I was wearin' yet - me stuff weren't that bad!

MR SPOONER: We asked your clothes whether they wanted to give evidence in court and they declined, even via video link.

LARRY: You asked me clothes to give evidence? Bloody 'ell, this 'ole caper is absolute...

JUDGE: [QUICKLY BUTTING IN] How do you plead?

LARRY: ...insanity!

JUDGE: Members of the Jury. You have heard the facts in this case. This man is accused of wearing clothing with intent to maim and be, well, a general nuisance. We are asking you to retire and consider your verdict but don't be too quick because there's a re-run of 'Diagnosis Murder' just starting on BBC2.

CLERK OF THE COURT: Court adjourned!

SCENE 2.
THE COURT IS FULL EXCEPT FOR THE LEGAL REPRESENTATIVES AND THE JUDGE. THE ENTER THE ROOM TALKING TO EACH OTHER.

JUDGE: [TO MR SPOONER] I told you the janitor did it.

CLERK OF THE COURT: Court arise!

ALL OF A SUDDEN THE JURY RUSH THE BENCH AND MAKE CITIZEN ARRESTS ON THE BARRISTERS AND JUDGE.

JUDGE: What's going on? Unhand me, you oafs!

FADE

SCENE 3.
THE JUDGE AND MR SPOONER ARE IN THE DOCK AND LARRY CROOKS IS IN THE JUDGE'S SEAT WITH HIS FEET UP ON THE DESK.

LARRY: You geezers are charged with wearing stupid and outdated clobber and comedy wigs in a public place. How do ya plead?

THE JUDGE AND MR SPOONER LOOK AT WHAT THEY'RE WEARING AND THEN EACH OTHER. THEY SHRUG THEIR SHOULDERS IN RESIGNATION.

JUDGE / MR SPOONER: Guilty!

ENDS

INT POLICE INCIDENT ROOM

SERGEANT HIGGS
So what have we got on this eh (looks at piece of paper) Margery Daw?

PC HOOD
See saw, I mean see Sarge, looks to all the world like an eccentric old dear in a flowery bonnet, but take a look at this (hands over a photo)

SERGEANT HIGGS (visibly recoils)
But a pie?? What sick f**k would go baking blackbirds in a pie?

PC HOOD
That's the tip of the iceberg Sarge, one of her accomplices, a (reads from notebook) Mr Simple Simon, he met a pie man going to the fair, says Simple Simon to the pieman, and I quote here... 'let me taste your ware'. The pieman was 'avin none of it and asked Simple Simon for a penny, next thing we knew, the pieman was dragged outta Camden Lock...his whole body had been scorched with cold plum porridge.

SERGEANT HIGGS
I want an immediate APB on Margery Daw and Simple Simon, get a patrol up and down the City Road, a warrant for The Eagle, and a thorough going over of The Cat and The Fiddle down London Bridge.

PC HOOD
Rightio, will do...em, listen Sarge, I've been 'avin a bit of bother at home, with my Mary, she's gone a bit contrary like, puttin' silver bells all over the gaff and I ain't ate nothin' but cockle shells for a month, doc says it might be the change.....any chance of a bit of time in leiu?

SERGEANT HIGGS
Time in leiu? TIME IN LEIU?? We've had the butcher, the baker, AND the candlestick maker all done in by that sicko Wee Willie Winkie throttling them with his nightgown, we've had Old Mother Hubbard packed off to Strangeways for gnawing her poor dog to death with her one remaining tooth, and AND, the reeking cobbler said he'd have my brogues mended by half past two, it's twenty to four now and no shoes, I've been stitched up and down again, half a crown it cost me.
So to answer your question Little Boy Blue, (boiling over with rage) NO TIME IN LEIU for you..........what do you take this place for? A kindergarten?

PC HOOD
Ok Sarge...calm down Sarge, fancy a cuppa tea Sarge? Hey Polly....put the kettle on.

A HEAVY-SET MAN IN HIS 50'S NAMED GERRY IS SITTING IN A SMALL PREFAB WATCHING 'THE FUGITIVE' MOVIE.

HIS BOSS WALKS IN FROM THE YARD AND BEGINS TALKING TO HIM BUT GERRY CONTINUES TO STARES AT THE TV.

BOSS:
Alright Gerry your bees are all loaded up. You have to deliver them to Westgate Penitentiary by 7 a.m. where they are to be hanged by the neck. These bee's are extremely dangerous, they have killed insects, plant-life, livestock even the odd have fallen victim to these bees.

GERRY STILL STARES AT THE MOVIE.

BOSS:
Gerry! We're talking about criminal bees here.

GERRY'S INTEREST IS PERKED.

GERRY:
CRIMINAL bees?

JUST THEN ANOTHER DRIVER EMERGES FROM THE KITCHEN OF THE PREFAB.

DRIVER:
Gerry, what did you do with the knife for the butter?

GERRY:
I didn't kill my knife!

BOSS:
Look Gerry. Just drive directly to the Penitentiary. You are to meet a Kenneth Wannerman there who will offload the bee-

GERRY:
One-armed man?

BOSS:
Wannerman! This isn't The Fugitive. Just drive directly there and deliver the bees. No games, no changing your appearance half-way through the journey and no jumping off impossibly high water towers, you were just lucky the last time.

GERRY DRIVES AROUND A BEND AND SWERVES SHARPLY TO AVOID A DOG. HE HEARS A LOUD BANG IN THE BACK OF THE LORRY. HE PULLS UP AND WALKS TO THE BACK OF THE LORRY TO CHECK IT OUT. THE BACK DOOR IS SLIGHTLY AJAR. JUST THEN A POLICEMAN CALLS HIM FROM THE FRONT OF THE LORRY.

POLICEMAN:
I see you had to break hard.

GERRY:
U.S. Marshal Samuel Gerard?

POLICEMAN:
I said you really had to break hard there. Is everything alright?

GERRY:
Oh yeah all's fine. Just taking a load of bees to be hanged.

POLICEMAN (CONFUSED):
Oh ye-yes well ca-carry on then.

AS GERRY SEALS UP THE BACK DOOR OF THE TRUCK A FEW BEES FLY OUT.
HE SITS INTO THE CAB AND RINGS HIS BOSS.

BOSS (ON PHONE)(WORRIEDLY):
How many did you lose?

GERRY:
About 14 or 15 I'd say.

BOSS:
Each bee can do thousands of pounds worth of damage in just 24 hours. We're looking at 30 grand and that's if they're found! Just get to the bloody penitentiary and drop them off!

GERRY PARKS UP AND IS MET BY KENNETH WANNERMAN. THEY OPEN THE TRUCK AND WE SEE THAT EVERY ONE OF THE BEES ARE GONE.

WANNERMAN:
Oh sweet Jesus! We have to ring some sort of U.S. Marshal type immediately.

CUT TO MARSHAL. WITH A CROWD OF BEEKEEPERS AROUND HIM.

MARSHAL:
Alright, listen up, people. 25 million bees have been on the run for ninety minutes. Average speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 4 miles-per-hour. We must search out every beehive, treehive, armhouse, attic, outhouse and flower in that area.

A BROAD SMILE CROSSES GERRY'S FACE.

CUT BACK TO WHEN GERRY WAS SPEAKING WITH THE POLICEMAN WHEN HE PULLED UP ON THE MOTORWAY. WE SEE IT FROM A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT ANGLE SO WE CAN SEE THE BACK OF THE TRUCK. AS HE CHATS TO THE POLICEMAN WAVE UPON WAVE OF BEES ESCAPE. AS HE WALKS BACK TO LOCK THE DOOR WE SEE THE LAST FEW BEES ESCAPE.

END.

Liked Gappy, LippyAlison and Otterfox but Tuumble it is for me this week.

After careful consideration.... Shandonbelle gets my vote on this occasion
Alison

Shandonbelle, right up my street! I have a stand-up routine about the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker 'cos the last one always struck me as a tad out of place...

Gappy and LippyAlisons were both great but its Tuumble for me this week.

I thought there was some clever stuff in the entries this week but Shandonbelle's got the best reaction from me as I did my 'review'.

I liked NIl Putters one this week as it was topical, simple and also made me laugh out loud.