I just comissioned to write for a Canadian Rodeo clown
here's a draft of a sketch I didn't send
(CLOWN WALKS ON HOLDING A BIG CLOTH BAG)
CLOWN
I'm so darned busy I don't have time for anything. I'm busy then a dog with 2 noses and no butt hole.
Why I don't even have time for a haircut. Look how long my hair's got.
(CLOWN TAKES OFF HAT AND HAS A STOCKINGED BALD HEAD WIG)
ANNOUNCER
What you talking about egghead?
CLOWN
Darn. I forgot to grow my hair. You gotta grow your hair before you grow it.
Luckily I got some of this stuff.
Magic stuff I swopped 2 cows and a magic bean with a giant for it.
(CLOWN PULLS A BIG GALLON JUG OUT OF THE SACK)
Now lets grow some hair!
Takes 5 seconds to work? Ok give me a count of 5!
(CLOWN STICKS HEAD AND HANDS IN THE BAG)
ANNOUNCER
Ok people lets give him a count of 5!
(AFTER COUNT OF 5 FROM THE AUDIENCE PULLS OUT HEAD HE'S STILL BALD)
Did it work?
It didn't.
(PULLS HANDS OUT OF BAG THEY'RE COVERED IN HAIR)
(LOOKS AT HANDS IN SHOCK)
Damn I forgot to use the gloves oh well.
(CLOWN POURS BOTTLE OVER HEAD)
ANNOUNCER
Shouldn't you read those instructions first?
(CLOWN READS BOTTLE)
Use 2 drops carefully oh heck.
Oh well lets give it another 5 seconds.
CLOWN STICKS HEAD IN BAG
ANOUNCER
Lets give him a count of 5 again.
(AFTER A COUNT OF 5 CLOWN PULLS HIS HEAD OUT OF BAG)
(HE NOW HAS A MASSIVE WIG COVERING HIS WHOLE HEAD)
ANOUNCER
Run it's Bigfoot!
CLOWN
No it's me. Oh my God how long was I in that bag it's all gone black, is it night?
ANNOUNCER
You've got hair in your face you damned hippy get a hair cut.
CLOWN
Now I need a haircut? Is there a hairdresser in the audience? Please?
(HAIR DRESSER A MAN IN WHITE SINGLET COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD JUMPS UP IN THE AUDIENCE)
HAIR DRESSER
I'm a hairdresser I'll cut you.
CLOWN
Yay a hairdresser, is he a nice one, have you got your own scissors?
(HAIRDRESSER WALKS INTO THE AUDIENCE HE HAS A BIG CARPET BAG)
HAIRDRESSER
I'm a very good hairdresser I always make the cut. Now where's my blade?
(HAIRDRESSER PICKS THROUGH BAG HE PULLS OUT SCISSORS, GARDENS SHEARS AND FINALLY AN AXE)
(CLOWN IS WONDERING AROUND WAVING HIS HANDS BLINDLY)
(HAIR DRESSER PULLS OUT HIS HAIRDRESSERS CHAIR A WHEELED OFFICE CHAIR AND PUSHES CLOWN ONTO IT)
ANNOUNCER
Should we warn him boys and girls?
CLOWN
Warn me about what?
HAIRDRESSER
About what a good haircut I'm going to give you! I'm going to take everything off the top!
CLOWN
Has anyone complained about your haircuts?
HAIRDRESSER
After I've cut them nobody complains!
(HAIRDRESSER PULLS AXE BACK FOR SEVERA PRACTISE SWINGS)
ANNOUNCER
I can't stand it no more run!
(CLOWN WHEELS HIMSELF AWAY FROM THE HAIRDRESSER WHO CHASES AFTER HIM WITH THE AXE)
HAIRDRESSER
Come back I only want to give you a short back and insides!
CLOWN
I've had all I can take!
(CLOWN GETS OUT OF CHAIR TAKES WIG OFF AND THROWS IT AT HAIRDRESSER IT LANDS ON HIS HEAD)
HAIRDRESSER
Hair! I can't stand hair! I can't see anything!
(COWBOY TAKES AXE OFF OF HAIRDRESSER AND CHASES HIM OFF STAGE)
CLOWN
Then allow me to cut to the chase!