GRAMS: NEWSJACK SHOP MUSIC
VOICEOVER:
It's Budget week, so here at the Newsjack shop we've got a thousand and one ways to beat the Chancellor, and only one of them involves the use of a baseball bat. Paying too much tax on your house? Just talk to our financial advisers about our new property tax avoidance scheme. It's probably legal - somewhere! We've helped thousands of people just like you, from rock stars, to rock stars. But don't take our word for it, what does Bob Geldof think?
BOB GELDOF:
Lives have been blighted by the misery of stamp duty, but the Newsjack Shop can help end that suffering. I'm happy to tell Governments that they're not doing enough while at the same time avoiding my own financial responsibilities. Are you still paying stamp duty? Of course you are, you're not a rock star! Losers!
VOICEOVER:
Children! We love them here at the Newsjack shop, but what if your earnings are now over the child benefit threshold? Those little blighters are actually costing you money! How will you be able to pay for your satellite TV subscription then? You won't! Not to worry, sell us your children! We'll put them to work making expensive trainers and we'll pay them a pittance! And each pair of trainers has a very special feature.
MUM:
Here you are, love, a brand new pair of Newsjack trainers, just like you wanted.
TEENAGE BOY:
Thanks mum! But these ones look like they've got some water marks on them.
VOICEOVER:
Those aren't water marks, they're tear stains! Each one as unique as a fingerprint. Remember, you can't buy Newsjack trainers anywhere else. Bloody employment law.