JUSTIN:
Police officers are like junk food, they.. Ah.. Errr, no, sorry, that's a typo. Police officers LIKE junk food, and if a new report is accurate, the Thin Blue Line is actually more like the Fat Blue Line, with big boned policemen being told they have to lose weight and face regular fitness tests. But fear not, one man is on a crusade to stop the Scales of Justice being crushed under the weight of the PC Brigade...
FX: CANTEEN ATMOS
SARGE:
OK, lads, shall I make the introductions? DCI Mellish, this is KFC Bucket. PC Burnside, this is BK Whopper. Tuck in!
BURNSIDE:
Thanks, Sarge! Shall I put on the Life On Mars Bars DVD?
FX: SIRENS. DOOR OPENING AND SLAMMING SHUT
JAMIE OLIVER:
OK, Stop! Hold it right there! Step away from the burger! I'm Jamie Oliver and this is my new show, Jamie's Blobby Bobbies! Each week we'll be looking at the dodgy eating habits of Britain's coppers and meeting some of our finest boys and girls in blue. Just look at this mob, I bet they haven't seen any fresh veg for ages, none of them look like they'd be found guilty of disturbing the peas. Let's have a word with PC Burnside, say hello to the punters at home, Constable.
BURNSIDE:
Hello. Hello. Hello.
JAMIE OLIVER:
Pukka! Now, you've been a hard working copper all your life, but you recently turned down a promotion to Sergeant, what was that all about?
BURNSIDE:
Well, I'd worked hard to get my stripes, but when I put them on my uniform, it just didn't work with my weight, I really need some horizontal stripes, they're much more slimming.
JAMIE OLIVER:
Well, I can't help you there, that's not really my area. You should've gone on Gok Wan's Fashion Police on Channel 4, mate. OK, let's move on, this is DCI Melli...
MELLISH:
(INTERRUPTING) Stop! No names! I'm with Special Operations, you can only use my call sign, Sierra Oscar Niner.
JAMIE OLIVER:
OK, no dramas, mate. So, what's your story, Sierra Oscar Niner?
MELLISH:
I've got a real weakness for hard alcohol and sugary drinks, and it's been causing me to put on quite a bit of weight.
JAMIE OLIVER:
Can you spell out exactly what that means, Sierra Oscar?
MELLISH:
Yeah, it's been all Whisky Tango Kilo Kilo Kilo. Over.
JAMIE OLIVER:
So that's what I'm up against. Join me next week on Jamie's Blobby Bobbies when I'll be driving around with the traffic police, and explaining to them that if they're not pounding the beat, they won't be beating the pounds. Now, where did you put those burgers, I'm Hank Marvin...