Skit Comp 16 - 25.3.12

Good work so congratulations to OTTERFOX for winning by another c*ntry mile. Get ludicrously yet legitimately poo-faced and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:

Points - Votes - Name

3 - 10 - Otterfox
1 - 5 - Michael Monkhouse

This week the subject's OPEN and I'm giving a couple more days too as I think a lot of you are jacking (News).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except the bastard who never paid me (you know who you are).
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 25.3.12

Overall Leader Board is now:

Position - Points - Name
1 - 30 - Otterfox
2 - 15 - Michael Monkhouse
3 - 13 - Shandonbelle
4 - 10 - Gappy, Ishy
5 - 3 - Craig H, Shirl the Whirl

PS Check out the hall of fame in the thread called, um, Hall of Fame.

This seems tenuous at best, but it's what sprang to mind.
......

[GOK WAN is making one of his hideous TV shows. A catwalk has been set up in Thurrock Lakeside, or similar. Enter GOK from curtains at the end of the catwalk to cheering from crowd]

GOK: And now, the moment you've been waiting for. It's the gorgeous Kathleen!

[KATHLEEN, a lady of average build, about 35, enters from curtains, dressed in a pink dressing gown. She strolls halfway up the catwalk, stops, and lets the gown fall, to reveal she's wearing underwear. Cheering. Sashays slightly clumsily up to the end of the catwalk, and back through the curtains]

GOK: Now, isn't she just gorgeous?

[Cheering]

GOK: Two weeks ago, the lovely Kathleen was shy about her body, and now she's here to revel in her womanly curves, her lustrous red hair, and her beautiful, beautiful bangers. Do you want to see her naked?

[Cheers]

GOK: I said, do you want to see her naked?!

[Huge cheers]

GOK: Well, come on then, petal, face your public.

[GOK leads a chant of "Kathleen! Kathleen!". KATHLEEN exits again, dressed in another dressing gown. As the cheers continue, she stands in front of the curtain, then turns her back and coyly looks over her shoulder]

GOK: Do you want to see the luscious Kathleen naked, ladies and gents?

[Amid more cheers, KATHLEEN drops the gown, revealing her bare back and buttocks. Stands for a second, then runs back through the curtains. Applause dies down]

GOK: Well, didn't she do wonderfully? Next week, I shall be in stunning Stourbridge to see if one lucky lady can discover the true beauty of her naked body. Join us next time as -

[He is cut off as the crowd bursts into sound. In a blur behind him we can see KATHLEEN running madly up and down the catwalk, naked]

GOKL: Err, OK, Kathleen sweetheart, that'll do for -

[Cut to KATHLEEN's wild-eyed face]

KATHLEEN: Naked! Naked!!

GOK: Well, that's great, but -

KATHLEEN: Open season on my bangers!

GOK: That's enough bangers for now. Why don't you just -

KATHLEEN: BANGERS!!

[Close up on GOK's face, he's uncomfortable, looking around for help]

GOK: Kathleen? Go back inside. My darling, why are you lying on your back?

KATHLEEN: [Off, half laughing, half weeping] I'm wide open. I'm open for business, boys.

[Gasp of shock from crowd. GOK looks on in horror and disbelief. A ping pong ball flies past his head]

KATHLEEN: [Off. Small, confused voice] Did I do good, Gok? I tried so hard, did I do good?

I suffer from premature ejaculation and diarrheoa. Easy come, easy go, that's me.

Following on: My friend and I came across some sloppy poo in the road He said it was cat shit and I was sure it was dog shit. We couldn't agree so we called it squits

UNIVERSITY EXAMINATION ROOM

STUDENTS MAKE THEIR WAY OUT AT THE END OF THE EXAM, CHATTING AMONGST THEMSELVES.

PAUL
Jeez, I just squeezed in Van Gogh at the end...I need a drink.

RORY
Yeah, I did Van Gogh, Dali, Monet and then...I can't believe it, I had him, I know I had him, and then he just went out the window,...what's his name?....shit, shit, shit.

PAUL
You mean Picasso? I f**ked that one up, couldn't remember a thing about him, where he was born or anything, it just went as I sat down...I remembered he was into young chicks though. Pervy bastard.

RORY
Picasso...that's IT, just as I put the pen on the paper, a blank, nothing, pure birdsong...out the window....swoosh.

PAUL
I couldn't even remember the name of the most important period or anything, should have been the easiest part...just kept thinking of all the birds he must have shagged....dunno what happened.

RORY
No, completely gone. Maybe a few pints of cider will bring it back. C'mon.

THEY WALK AWAY TOGETHER; THERE IS A LOUD KNOCK ON THE WINDOW AS THEY PASS. THEY STOP DEAD.

PABLO PICASSO IS HOVERING OUTSIDE THE WINDOW,
NAKED EXCEPT FOR A FLAT CAP, HE STICKS A PAINTBRUSH BETWEEN HIS BUMCHEEKS AND MOVES SUGGESTIVELY FROM SIDE TO SIDE, SLAPPING DOTS OF BLUE PAINT ON THE WINDOW.
HE STOPS, GLANCES OVER HIS SHOULDER, WINKS AT THE BOYS BEFORE DIVING INTO A BED FULL OF NAKED GIRLS.

PAUL AND RORY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
The f**king Blue Period.

WE SEE HEROIC CLIPS OF ADVENTURER AS VOICEOVER MENTIONS THEM.

VOICEOVER:
Globetrotter, mountain climber, underwater explorer, nail biter. Mickey Lamb seems to have done it all in his illustrious career but Mickey has set his sights on one last expedition before his tea.

Mickey is going to jump over a pencilcase.

PRESENTER IS INTERVIEWING MICKEY LAMB. MICKEY WEARS SHORTS, BOOTS, KNEE SOCKS, A RAIN JACKET AND A WOOLY HAT.

PRESENTER:
Mickey. Surely you can't be serious? You have had a fantastic career. If you fail; your career will be in ruins. I mean no-one has jumped over a pencilcase before.

MICKEY:
(definite voice) Well that is why I want to do it. There-in lies the intrigue. If the task was something simple like to swim Everest it wouldn't be a challenge would it... because its been done before.

PRESENTER:
Now this jump of yours. Is the pencilcase going to be open or closed?

MICKEY:
Pure open.

PRES:
Oh sweet Jesus! Surely you can't be serious. That's suicide!

MICKEY:
Some call it suicide others call it jumping over a pencilcase. With a good wind behind me I should scale the case.

PRES:
Ok Mickey, we'll let you go get ready and we will bring in our expert on stationary jumps, Stack Midleton. Stack, how do you rate his chances?

STACK:
Well Susan, I was Benny Mottleshaws trainer in the 70's when he javelined himself over a setsquare. This is quite similar. I know Mickey takes these things seriously. He has spent the last couple of weeks in a stationary cupboard preparing for today's event.

His preparation has been second to none but he has always been like that. If you remember he spent several weeks in the Antartic acclimatising himself for his famous fridge freezer expedition of '07.

PRES:
Remember its not just a matter of scaling the case. If he plunges into the case there are untold amount of dangers. A pointy 2h pencil sticking up, the sharp edge of a pencil sharpener, a loose staple, protractors. It's vital he clears it.

STACK:
True. But if I know Mickey like you think I know him there should be no problems.

PRES:
Here is Mickey now and he has the pencilcase with him.

MICK:
Looking at it in my hands it mightn't look all that daunting but when you add in the element of foreshortening its a whole different ballgame.

MICKEY LAYS THE PENCILCASE DOWN IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA AND RUNS FAR UP THE FIELD UNTIL HE LOOKS VERY SMALL IN RELATION TO THE CASE.

MICK:
Look at the distance I have to jump now.

PRES:
So this is it. Mikey is going through his pre-jump ritual. (he comments on everything Mickey does) Tying his lace, adjusting his shorts a little, looking, standing now. Now he's relocating his shoulder after dislocating it in a previous warm-up. He is taking a long run at this....and h-he has slowed down. He doesn't seem to be taking it seriously. He thinks its his practice jump.

Mickey its not your practice, this is your real jump!!

MICK:
Huh?

HE CLUMSILY TRIES TO JUMP BUT FALLS INTO THE PENCILCASE. THERE IS STUNNED SILENCE.

PRES:
(INCONSOLABLE) Someone tell him...Mickey!
Oh no folks..I-it looks like our modern day legend. our hero, our champion. The man who scaled the highest mountains and swam the deepest oceans looks to have perished inside a pencilcase. I'm finding it hard to find the words...

THE PENCILCASE MOVES SLIGHTLY.

PRES:
(hope returns) But wait! Whats this?... They're bringing us a big plate of food.

(happily) Goodbye.

CREDITS ROLL: 'MICKEY LAMB WAS HURT IN THE MAKING OF THIS FILM'

END.

Yuk, yuk, yukkity yuk. Too much information, Michael Monkhouse - but I'm voting for you anyway!

Michael for me this week.

I know I'm too late for this to count, because I'm an idiot, but I thought I may as well join in. Michael's gag was brilliant, but I've heard a very similar joke before, once upon a time, with the punchline "I don't know whether I'm coming or going", so I shall throw my support behind Otterfox' plain loopy pencil case stunt.

But, as I say, it's to late, so ignore me...