I was at the show last night and they didn't record this, so I'm sharing early. Obviously the topicality was tenuous - but I enjoyed writing it anyway 
Alison
JUSTIN:A new exhibition has opened in Hampshire this week to mark the hundredth anniversary of Captain Lawrence Oates leaving Scott's ill-fated expedition to the South Pole, uttering his immortal final words, I'm popping out for a bit, leave the door on the latch.... We're lucky to have been lent, not only Oate's written diary, but his audio diary too.
GRAMS:NEWSJACK DIARY MUSIC
VOICEOVER: The audio diary of Captain Oates. Monday
OATES: Walked fourteen miles today. Very few toes left now. Had to eat another three today. Tasted a bit like chicken. After making camp tonight, found a bar of Fruit & Nut at the bottom of my rucksack. Offered it round when no one was looking. Wrote up my diary: I'm going out in a while, don't wait up. No that not right.
F/X: FURIOUS ERASING OF WORDS IN DIARY
VOICEOVER: Tuesday.
OATES: Weather getting worse. Snow everywhere. Not sure we're going to make it back. Found a tin of corned beef at the bottom of my rucksack. But the bloody key had come off. Threw it at a penguin to calm myself down. Realised I'm sexually attracted to the other men. Wrote up my diary: I'm coming out. I'll be outside if you want me. No that's not right.
F/X: FURIOUS ERASING OF WORDS IN DIARY
VOICEOVER: Wednesday.
OATES: I doubt we can last much longer now. Captain Scott suffered an injury just outside the tent. Tripped over a dead penguin, lying next to a corned beef can. I feigned surprise. Had to eat one of the dogs today. That was difficult - followed a Blumenthal recipe. Could have done without the dog shit sauce to be honest. Wrote up my diary: I'm going out with Doreen from the Nags Head. It might last a while. No that's not right.
F/X: FURIOUS ERASING OF WORDS IN DIARY
VOICEOVER: Thursday.
OATES: Did some writing in the snow with my wee to occupy the time. But just kept writing Scott You Bastard. And then my willy froze. Found a pot noodle at the bottom of my rucksack. Didn't want to eat it but useful for thawing out my willy. Wrote up my diary: I tried to p..p..p..pick up a penguin today. Now on the sex offenders' register. No I won't mention that bit.
F/X: FURIOUS ERASING OF WORDS IN DIARY
VOICEOVER: Friday.
OATES: This is it then. Its all over. Finished the box set of Downton Abbey and Frozen Planet. Nothing left to do. On the upside found a Waitrose ready meal in my rucksack. Taking it outside to eat it in peace. Wrote up my diary: I am going outside and may be some time. If I'm not back in an hour send out a search party. Oh I don't need that last bit. They'll know to do that.
F/X: FURIOUS ERASING OF WORDS IN DIARY