hi guys. this is my failed entry for the sit com mission.
this is also the first creative thing I have written since leaving school 30 years ago. if any of you have the time or inclination to read it I would be glad of a few pointers at where the mistakes are. im a big boy so can take a whipping so don't hold back. the random numbers are page numbers as this is a straight copy and paste.
cheers in advance
Characters in this episode
Don - mid 40's, lifetime undertaker. Respects the customers
But not at the expense of a laugh.
Salad - late 30's, real name Mickey Balmer. ( M. Balmer, "it's a coincidence") overweight, lazy, eats too much, always complaining
About his wife
Hoover - tall, thin, undisclosed eastern European accent. Monotone
Voice. You get the impression he likes being around dead people.
Titchie - real name Ritchie, early 20's, small and thin, hence 'Titchie'.
New to the job and a bit naïve.
Old man - he is an old man! In two scenes only.
Episode setting
The preparation room and staff break room of a lax undertakers, D.F.S
De'villes Funeral Services.
Break room - table, chairs, kettle and general tea making stuff
Prep room - 2 tables with sides. Sides are facing viewer. Sides are high enough To obscure the fact the tables are actually empty, but low enough to see The characters behind them
SCENE 1. INT. BREAK ROOM. DAY. 9AM
DON IS PUTTING THE KETTLE ON, SALAD
ENTERS ON PHONE
SALAD:
Yes dear, yes, I know, look if the internet was meant
To be funny then Google would have your picture
On its home page.
(LISTENS)
No, no, I'll be home late I've got slimming
Planet tonight remember?
(LISTENS)
Oh, be like that then
(HANGS UP)
DON:
Everything ok?
SALAD:
Well, no. I know I'm in trouble, she said the 'F' word
DON;
'F' word?
SALAD:
Yeh. FINE.
1
DON:
Ohh noooo.
(LAUGHS)
And slimming planet?
SALAD:
Nah, that's what I tell her, I'm off playing darts
(TITCHIE ENTERS)
TITCHIE:
Arse darts more like
SALAD:
You would be straight in there
TITCHIE;
Even if I was a nobsnogger like you,
There isn't room up there with your constipation
DON:
Still constipated?
SALAD:
Yeh, it would be quicker to move house
Than move my bowels
(HOOVER ENTERS CARRYING A DEAD CAT)
2
HOOVER:
What a delicious thought this time in the morning
SALAD:
The cat?
HOOVER:
Weird, my neighbours went on holiday yesterday,
Gave me £20 and asked me to "take care of it"
DON:
You watch too many gangster films mate
HOOVER:
I thought we could chuck it in the oven next time
We're down the crem
SALAD:
So Don, what's on the cards today?
Nice quiet day I hope
DON:
Nope. 3 customers came in last night and we have
That natural funeral this afternoon
HOOVER;
that's a first for me, should be interesting
3
DON:
And Titchie, seen as your still the new boy you can
help me and watch a master at work
HOOVER:
Yeh, you can watch Salad show you how good he
Is at sitting still without falling asleep
SALAD:
Nob
CUT TO
4
SCENE 2. INT. PREP ROOM. DAY. 9.30 AM
DON AND TITCHIE ARE STOOD AT ONE TABLE,
SALAD AND HOOVER AT A SECOND,
IDENTICAL TABLE
DON:
And first up today is this young lady, a suicide.
(TITCHIE LOOKS)
TITCHIE:
Ooh, messy
DON;
Everyone checks out but some people are in a hurry and
Self scan. Poor sod
TITCHIE:
True, what would drive someone to that?
DON:
I'm not on about her, I'm on about the bloody
Train driver. He is going to have to live with that
Image for the rest of his life
TITCHIE:
Spose, size 18 wearing a size 10 vest top and mini skirt.
Horrible, horrible
5
SALAD:
What do we have Hoover?
Ooh, she only looks about 20
HOOVER:
She had acute angina
(SALAD LOOKS DOWN, NODS HIS HEAD
IN ACCEPTANCE)
SALAD:
So Hoover, bored anyone to death again this weekend?
(HOOVER STARES AT SALAD)
HOOVER:
I had my eyes tested but I'm a bit worried
About my optician
SALAD;
Why's that?
HOOVER:
Well, he said "how many fingers do I have up?"
I said 3.
He said "very good, you can pull your trousers
Back up now"
(TITCHIE LEAVES THE ROOM)
6
DON;
You should find a proper optician, not just someone
Off the internet who says he's one
HOOVER:
Well, I left when he said he wanted a second
Opinion, and did it again
(TITCHIE COMES BACK IN)
TITCHIE:
Where's all the bog roll gone?
SALAD:
Erm, that's me, I took it home
TITCHIE:
Thought you were packed tight down there?
SALAD:
I am, it's the wife, she uses tons of the stuff
DON:
Tell me about it, my wife has started buying that
Recycled organic stuff. Its full of brown bits,
How am I meant to know when I've finished wiping?
7
SALAD:
I walked in on mine once when she forgot to lock The door. I swear,
She was using so much I thought she had her hand
Jammed inside a wasps nest
DON:
Right, I'm nearly done here. I'll just
Add the finishing touches to make her more presentable.
Cherry bomb red
(HOLDS UP A LIPSTICK)
TITCHIE:
Class eeee
SALAD:
We're nearly done too
DON:
Ok then, brew. Hoover, you put the lids on
And I'll put the kettle on
CUT TO
8
SCENE 3. INT. BREAK ROOM. DAY. 10.30 AM
DON IS MAKING TEA. SALAD AND TITCHIE SEATED
TITCHIE:
Oh, that's easy, which body part would I cut off
To save my life? My hair, obviously, it grows back
SALAD:
You bell end. Body part. There. Must. Be. blood.
I reckon I would . . .
(HOOVER ENTERS WITH A BIG CHERRY
BOMB RED KISS MARK ON HIS LIPS)
HOOVER:
What's the question?
(SALAD AND TITCHIE STARE OPEN MOUTHED,
DON SPITS HIS TEA OUT. HOOVER WIPES
HIS MOUTH)
SALAD:
You're barred. Its which body part would you
Cut off to save your life, but your at an advantage
With having six toes
HOOVER:
Not any more, one fell off last week
9
SALAD:
What?
HOOVER:
I took my sock off and there it was, gone
DON:
What did you do with it?
HOOVER:
Well I wanted to keep it for my collection so . .
(INTERRUPTED)
TITCHIE:
You have a toe collection ?
HOOVER:
(IGNORES TITCHIE)
So I thought it would be best to store it
Somewhere dry
(HOOVER WALKS OVER TO TABLE, OPENS
THE TEA BAG PACKET, RUMMAGES ABOUT,
PULLS OUT HIS TOE.
EVERYONE SPITS THEIR TEA OUT)
CUT TO
10
SCENE 4. INT. PREP ROOM. DAY. 11 AM
DON, HOOVER AND TITCHIE PRESENT.
LOOKING AT THE BENCH
HOOVER:
So, next customer?
DON:
Ah, this is an emo kid who fell out with
His parents
TITCHIE:
As per emo rules.
Did he cut himself as per emo rules?
DON:
No, he locked himself in a chest freezer
To teach THEM a lesson
TITCHIE;
No way?
HOOVER;
So I guess that would make him an esk emo?
(DON AND TITCHIE STARE AT HOOVER)
11
DON:
And THAT is why you're an undertaker
(SALAD ENTERS)
HOOVER;
I did my best
SALAD:
Stick to being weird, at least your good at that
(HOOVER BLOWS SALAD A KISS.
SALAD FAKES VOMITTING)
SALAD:
Anyway I've got the consent form signed
TITCHIE:
Consent form?
DON:
We can't remove any medical devices or foreign
Objects from a customer without written consent
HOOVER:
But we need them out as they can clog the incinerator
12
SALAD:
And they make a funny sound in the urn.
Imagine picking your loved one up from the crem
And on the way home all you hear coming from the
urn is tap, tap, tap.
Un nerving
DON:
Although we don't always get consent, sometimes we use a bit
Of tact
SALAD:
(LOOKS AT HOOVER)
And sometimes we don't
HOOVER:
It was only once
TITCHIE;
Wha . . . ?
DON:
We once found a huge sex toy inside a customer
TITCHIE:
You didn't ask the husband for consent?
13
SALAD:
It was the husband it was inside. So Hoover asked the
Wife to sign
HOOVER:
Well? Anyway, she asked for it back. She wondered
Where it had got to
DON:
Right, the form?
SALAD:
Yes, remove all his piercings but the family
Want them back
(DON LOOKS DOWN TOWARDS EMOS NOB AREA)
DON:
All of them?
SALAD:
All of them
DON:
Right Prince Albert, this definitely hurt more going in
(TUGS HARD TILL IT RELEASES)
14
DON:
Ready for the embalming fluid. Hoover?
(HOOVER TURNS PUMP ON. LIQUID SQUIRTS UP
FROM BEHIND SCREEN IN NINE OR TEN
DIFFERENT PLACES)
CUT TO
15
SCENE 5. INT. BREAK ROOM. DAY. 12.15PM
ALL PRESENT, HAVING LUNCH. SALAD OPENS A
MASSIVE LUNCH BOX
HOOVER:
Your lunch box is like the Tardis
SALAD:
Ooo I would love a Tardis, I could go
Anywhere in time and space
DON:
Yours would be a re-tardis and you would
Sit on your arse all day wasting time and
Taking up space
(SALAD PULLS A KIWI FRUIT OUT)
What's that?
SALAD:
Kiwi
DON:
I can see that, what's it doing in there?
16
SALAD:
Dunno, I must be on a diet.
You know how kiwis are called that cos they're
Shaped like a kiwis egg?
TITCHIE:
Yeh
SALAD:
Well what's the deal with those apples, French cox?
HOOVER:
Why you eat so much?
SALAD:
Its not my fault, I'm eating for two
TITCHIE:
Your pregnant?
SALAD:
No
DON:
Schizophrenic?
17
SALAD:
No. wife's on a diet so I have to eat all
The food before it goes off
TITCHIE:
Did you ever consider not buying so much
In the first place?
SALAD:
Don't be stupid, we always get that much.
TITCHIE:
What blood group are you, dolmio?
SALAD:
Bab off. Although I suppose I am a bit
Stocky. It was bad when I couldn't see my
Nob for my belly. And it was worse when I
Couldn't see my belly for my tits
DON:
Wait till you can't see your tits for a
Defibrillator
( SALAD GIVES DON A DIRTY LOOK AND PUTS THE LID BACK ON HIS BOX)
CUT TO
18
SCENE 6. INT. BREAK ROOM. DAY. 1.00 PM
DON IS STRAIGHTENING TITCHIES TIE.
HOOVER AND SALAD ARE PRE FUNERAL
PREENING
DON:
Well, this is a new one on me
SALAD:
Me too, I've never seen a cardboard coffin before
TITCHIE:
So what's the idea?
DON:
Natural burial?
No chemicals in the body to pollute
The ground, cardboard coffin so the worms
Can get at you faster and buried upright with
A tree planted on top
TITCHIE:
Sounds sensible to me
SALAD;
Until it rains
19
HOOVER:
Oh, I'm an expert at these things you know,
I checked my barometer and its not going to
Rain for ages yet
CUT TO
20
SCENE 7. INT. BREAK ROOM. DAY. 3.00 PM
ALL 4 ENTER, SOAKED THROUGH
SALAD:
Ages? Ages? It hasn't stopped once!
And how stupid do some people get?
A horse and open carriage to carry a cardboard
Coffin?
TITCHIE:
At least you didn't have to pick its shit up
DON:
It was fertiliser for the tree
TITCHIE:
It was horse shit. Look.
(TITCHIE PUSHES HIS HANDS UNDER DONS NOSE)
DON:
Ok, ok, I have to agree, it was a mess.
Especially when the soggy bottom fell out
Of the coffin
21
SALAD:
THAT was a mess? I think that award goes to
The person that dug the hole. Not deep
Enough and full of water
HOOVER:
It was funny when he bobbed back to the surface though
DON:
I'm not sure the family appreciated it
TITCHIE:
Even less when you put your foot on
His head
DON:
And said "no room in the lifeboat for
You Leonardo"
(HOOVER SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS)
SALAD:
Asking if anyone had a sharp object we could
Puncture him with didn't help either
22
HOOVER:
Can I help being practical?
At least I found something to hold him
Down while they filled it in
DON:
Did you not consider his wife might have needed
Both her walking sticks back?
HOOVER:
No. she got carried back to the car
TITCHIE:
Only cos she fainted after you used her hat
To bail water out of the hole
HOOVER:
It worked
DON:
Maybe, but making a cross shape and nailing him to it?
Jesus
CUT TO
23
SCENE 8. INT. BREAK ROOM. DAY. 3.45 PM
DON IS TALKING TO AN OLD MAN SAT IN
A CHAIR
OLD MAN (MR TURNER):
It was terrible son, all that muck and filth,
People screaming, and worst of all, the
Continuous bang, bang, bang, it was
Deafening and soul destroying. Nobody
Should have to go through that
(HOOVER ENTERS)
HOOVER:
Excuse me for interrupting but I need you
Through here
DON:
Ok. Right Mr turner, you stay here, I'll
Be back shortly
(DON AND HOOVER LEAVE THE ROOM)
CUT TO
24
SCENE 9. INT. DAY. CORRIDOR
HOOVER:
Poor old bugger, I can't even begin
To imagine the horrors of war
DON:
War? What war? He was telling me about
When he took his nephew to a Motorhead concert
CUT TO
25
SCENE 10. INT. DAY. BREAK ROOM 4.15 PM
OLD MAN IS IN CHAIR, EYES CLOSED,
MOUTH OPEN. SILENT. SALAD
ENTERS
SALAD;
Oh very funny Hoover.
(SHOUTS)
Titchie.
(TITCHIE ENTERS)
TITCHIE:
What?
SALAD:
Give us a lift, Hoover up to his so called practical
Jokes again. Hide and seek with the customers. Idiot
(SALAD AND TITCHIE PICK THE OLD MAN
UP AND LEAVE THE ROOM)
CUT TO
26
SCENE 11. INT. BREAK ROOM. DAY. 4.30 PM
TITCHIE AND SALAD ARE SEATED. DON
AND HOOVER ENTER
DON:
Where's Mr Turner?
SALAD:
Who?
DON:
Mr Turner. I told him to wait here
(SALAD AND TITCHIE LOOK AT EACH OTHER,
SHOCKED. BOTH JUMP UP AND RUN OUT OF ROOM.
THEY RETURN CARRYING A WAKING
MR TURNER AND PLACE HIM IN CHAIR)
OLD MAN;
What's . ?
SALAD:
Its ok Mr Turner, you just sit there and
Titchie will make you a nice cup of tea
(MR TURNER LIFTS HIS FOOT AND SEES
HE HAS NO SHOE OR SOCK AND A TAG ON HIS TOE)
OLD MAN:
Ohhhhh noooo, its over
(OLD MAN PASSES OUT)
EPISODE ENDS
