JUSTIN
JK Rowling has announced she is writing her first adult novel, which has surprised thousands of fans of Harry Potter who didn't realise it wasn't.
Very fortuitously Newsjack has convinced Ms Rowling to read an extract from her new novel. Ms Rowling whenever you're ready.
JK ROWLING(CLEARS THROAT)
Her plentiful bosom rose and fell in anticipation of his entry into her secret chamber. She wore not much and spoke little. The young magician was hesitant however. Seeing his hesitancy she quickly cast a calloportus charm upon the door so he may not pull out before she had her satisfaction. She spoke to say "Manus Erectus" and the magician's wand grew to a formidable size. Harry thought, "It's never done that before" ...
JUSTIN
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't read that on Radio 4 Extra.
JK ROWLING
Justin this is an adult book, aimed at adults and you did say this is an adult audience.
JUSTIN
Well it is, but all you've done is made Harry Potter sexy, and Daniel Radcliffe's already done that.
JK ROWLING
Justin I must protest, this is not Harry Potter.
JUSTIN
It's about a magician called Harry, but pornographic, what are you going to call it? Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Boner?
JK ROWLING
I object this is not Harry Potter...
JUSTIN
Or Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ass-can-bang?
JK ROWLING
Oh, very clever but no...
JUSTIN
Harry Potter and the Orgy of the Phoenix?
JUSTINE
This isn't Harry Potter...
JUSTIN
How about Harry Potter and his Fiery Goblet. The one where Harry Potter contracts an STD?
JK ROWLING
Look Justin this isn't...
JUSTIN
Harry Potter and the Half-Erect Penis?
JK ROWLING
Ok! Ok, it's Harry Potter, but you don't understand it's not my fault, I wanted to write a real book, a proper book, but, but he won't let me, he's too powerful.
JUSTIN
Who?
JK ROWLING
The one that must not be named.
JUSTIN
What, Valdemort?
JK ROWALING
Don't be absurd!
JUSTIN
Then who? Surely not... Peter Mandelson?
FX.JK ROWLING SCREAMS AS SHE RUNS OUT STUDIO
JUSTIN(CLEARS THROAT)
I'll just borrow that manuscript.