Here is my completed competition entry - "Suburban Bohemia". Please let me know what you think...
Scene One
(Interior - a fashionable but untidy bohemian looking loft. The remnants of a party are evident. Xander Zanii a slightly plump post-punk dandy, is lying asleep on a sofa in his kimono.There is a table with an an iphone on it and a few partially empty bottles of alcohol and glasses. The door is buzzing. )
Xander
Yes - Hello... good morning.
(The buzzing stops.The phone begins to ring. Xander answers it.)
Xander
Good morning, Group Z Arts Media, Xander Zanii speaking. Yes I know you're buzzing - I'm
coming!
(As he speaks, Xander goes to the door.)
Xander
I hope you haven't been out drinking this whole time, you know what we have to do today...
(As he says this, Xander opens the door to Lily Von Lieberslieder - a gothic looking cabaret diva, carrying a nearly empty bottle of vodka. The two hang up their phones. )
Lily
Dump this for me.
Xander
Bloody terrific, Lily!
Lily
You were drinking too.
Xander
I stopped at four-thirty.
Lily
That's why you get hangovers. I just drink on through.
(She hands him the bottle.)
Xander
Did you have that in the car?
Lily
Yeah. I'm thirsty again now - make me a drink.
Xander
I'll make coffee.
Lily
Only if you've got Irish Cream.
Xander
We're all out.
Lily
Gin and Tonic then.
(Xander pours two gin and tonics. While Lily checks her phone.)
Xander
You have a terrible problem with alcohol, Lily.
Lily
No I don't - I drink it, I enjoy it - no problem.
Xander
How did you get here?
Lily
Jac drove me.
Xander
Are you telling me Jac was sober?
Lily
Well he...
Xander
Or she?
Lily
I didn't ask.
Xander
Oh - I thought we were going to get that sorted out.
Lily
Jac... stayed inside our lane... most of the way. Who did you wander off with?
Xander
Just Melanie - from the office.
Lily
I knew there was only one reason you hired her.
Xander
She's a very gifted actress.
Lily
And I'm Lady bloody Gaga.
Xander
I'm just... looking for the right part for her. She's very helpful... she's gone off early to get some supplies. I hope she remembers pretzels.
Lily
Couldn't you bend her into one?
Xander
Shut up and have your drink.
(Lily sees Xander's drink.)
Lily
I thought you were having coffee.
Xander
I'm feeling symmetrical this morning. And I don't want you to drink alone.
Lily
Why do we have to do this today, Xander.
Xander
We need a new project manager - and Lucy's qualified.
Lily
She's a boring little bitch, Xander...
Xander
She's my niece, Lily, the arts are in our blood.
Lily
She'll cut back our entertainment budget, I know it.
Xander
I can handle her.
Lily
You should've kept Guy.
Xander
Don't talk to me about Guy, Lily.
Lily
I don't want Lucy.
Xander
Guy was a boring, penny-pinching little bastard, Lily.
Lily
Not so little ...
Xander
A philistine who wouldn't know creativity if it came up and put his head between his man- tits and went brrrr (makes horse-ish noise while wobbling his face)...like that.
Lily
Hahaha.... He did have man-tits... hahaha.
Xander
Huge man-tits. Think, Lily, his tits are bigger than yours - and his are real!
Lily
Shut up!
Xander
Oh, don't be over sensitive.
Lily
Oh, Xander - you've got your nubile little PA, let me choose the new project manager...
Xander
Absolutely not!
Lily
I want a Chippendale in a Pierre Cardin tie that I can lead him around with. Like that gorgeous guy at
the club last night...
Xander
That was his tie?
Lily
I want someone like that - not another Jenny Craig failure.
Xander
Says the Betty Ford drop out.
Lily
Make me another drink.
Xander
No Lily, we've got to get organised. She'll be here soon and she's not going to agree to be our new
project administrator if we can't present an organised front. We've got a huge programme coming up and we need a project manager - this environmental angle brought in bucket loads of funding.
Lily
What are we doing?
Xander
A performance art slash cabaret series.
Lily
I can do that - I'll do cabaret.
Xander
Its called "From Caligari to Climate Change" - and we've got multi-media exhibition tied in
called "The Thousand Eyes of the Metropolis - Expressionist Perspectives on the Industrialised
Landscape" - and that's why we've got the grant money!
Lily
Oh, Xander - don't talk to me about grants.
Xander
Lily, I book you into conferences, I book you into seminars - I try to teach you how this all works.,
but you sleep through them, just like you slept through our whole marriage!
Lily
That was one week!
Xander
At the last grant-writing workshop I had to put your sunglasses on so that nobody would notice that
you were having a nap. I convinced the people next to
us that you were a blind mute from the Arts Inclusion
Network.
Lily
I just keep them on now.
Xander
Probably a good thing.
Lily
I'm not the one who looks like a fat raccoon.
Xander
Really? Lose the sunglasses.
Lily
Piss off.
(The door buzzes.)
Xander
Shit - that'll be her.
(Lily lies down on the couch while Xander runs to look through the peep hole in the door.)
Lily
Count me out.
Xander
Shit, shit it is. Look at this place - if Salvador Dali ever ran an off license...
(The phone rings. Xander answers.)
Xander
Yes... yes, I'm coming!
(Xander hangs up and shoots Lily a withering look as he heads for the door.)
Xander
Lazy cow.
(Xander answers the door to Lucy Llewellen - an attractive young woman dressed in a very business-like fashion.)
Xander
Darling girl, how are you?
(She walks past him.)
Lucy
Hello, Uncle Xander - still in your pyjamas?
Xander
Yes - why didn't you call... I thought you were coming later.
Lucy
I called several times this morning.
Xander
Must've been in the shower.
Lucy
You said that you needed some marketing advice.
Xander
Yes - I wanted to run an idea by you.
(Lucy sees Lily on the couch.)
Lucy
What is this?
Xander
She's a blind mute.
Lucy
Lily Von Lieberslieder.
Lily
(Sitting.) Hello.
Lucy
What's she doing here? You divorced her over a decade ago.
Xander
She's still my Associate Director.
Lucy
And she still hasn't moved out. How do you think she makes your company look?
Lily
I know how to behave, I know how to communicate and network, I went to Bedales too, you bitch.
Lucy
I knew coming here was a bad idea.
Xander
I want to offer you a job!
Lucy
A job? I work for my fiancée.
Lily
She has a fiancee. He must be getting some on the side!
Xander
Shut up, Lily. What does he do this... fiancee of yours.
Lucy
He runs a marketing firm.
Lily
Marketing... what's his name?
Lucy
He wouldn't be interested in you!
Lily
Wouldn't he?
Xander
Lily, shut up or get out! Now, Lucy - darling, I need a new project manager, and you're family...
Lucy
What happened to Guy?
Lily
Xander pissed in his office.
Xander
He was irritating me - I didn't know he would quit!
Lucy
And you think that I'll just drop everything and come to the rescue. Are you mad?
Lily
Don't walk into that one, Xander.
Xander
We're doing this climate change cabaret series - and we've got a huge programme of multi-media
performance events to follow up. We've got education money, youth money, environement money - the whole lot tied to this.
Lucy
And what's she going to be doing?
Xander
Lily's doing her 'Burlesque-ercises.
Lily
'Bump'n'grind your way to a fitter you!'
Xander
Yes, 'Bump'n'grind your way to a fitter you' - but don't get them to take any clothes off.
Lily
Fat?
Xander
Some of them.
Lily
No one wants to see fat people undressing. Too much like our wedding night.
Lucy
I have to get back to work...
Xander
No! I could pay you more than you're earning now.
Lucy
I doubt it.
Xander
We've got two point five million in grants and sponsorships so far...
Lucy
Two point five million?
Xander
Yes.. you can even check the accounts if you don't believe me.
Lucy
Xander, that is a lot of money.
Xander
Yes, my dear.
Lily
We've been the brains trust behind the Arts Council for years.
Lucy
I can't believe they've met you - they obviously haven't seen the way you live.
Been drinking again, Xander?
Xander
I can drink if I like - I am an adult.
Lucy
That's debatable.
Xander
Well this is just typical of my family - criticise anything that I do.'Grow up, Xander'. 'Pull your weight, Xander'...
Lily
Better you than me.
Xander
And even when I do manage to make to lots of money, by making good art by the way, not the lifeless mass produced shit churned out to please the tourists and brain-damaged, drooling at the mouth masses, like my father does, you all find something to whinge and bitch and moan about.
Lily
Tell her to piss off, Xander.
Xander
Meanwhile, I offer you a rare opportunity for some exciting work and you just shit on me from a great hight because your happy marketing some..dull piece of shit... I don't know what.... for this fiancee who's probably boring enough to make drying paint look like Disneyland...
Lily
Sex is probably like Temazepam.
Lucy
That's it - I'm off. Xander, here's my card - if you're serious about some advice, you can make anan appointment to see me at my office, but you couldn't pay me enough to put up with the pair of you!
(Lucy hands puts her card on the table and leaves.)
Xander
Well thank you so bloody much, Lily!
Lily
Xander, give me that card!
Xander
Why?
Lily
The guy I was with last night owns a marketing firm!
(Lily rummages in her clevage and pulls out a card and Xander brings the one in his hand over and sits next to Lily.)
Xander
It can't be.
Lily
It is - its the same business!
Xander
He cheated, that little prick, he cheated on my niece.
Lily
I knew it.
Xander
Shut up! Scott Jewell from Jewell promotions...
Lily
Don't get involved, Xander.
Xander
Of course I'm going to get invovled - I'm going to expose the bastard!
Lily
I suppose Lucy'll be looking for work, then. If her fiancee slash boss cheats on her...
Xander
I'm not doing this for me, I'm doing it for my niece...
Lily
Who might end up being your project manager after all.
Xander
That would be a... fringe benefit. Lily, I have a job for you - I want you to meet up with yourfriend from the club last night. You're going to call Mr. Jewell and we'll lead him into our trap by his...
Lily
Pierre Cardin tie?
(The scene ends.)
Scene Two
(The same apartment - in the early hours of the following morning. Xander enters with Lucy in tow.)
Xander
Shh... Shh... Come in quickly.
Lucy
What's going on?
Xander
Shh.
Lucy
I got a text from Lily - she said that you'd overdosed!
Xander
I can explain everything.
Lucy
Why call me at this hour of the morning - why not an ambulance? What have you taken?
Xander
I am not under the influence of drugs.
Lucy
That remains to be seen.
Xander
I sent the text, not Lily. I needed to get you here urgently.
Lucy
You're insane.
Xande
Oh, why does everyone have to jump to the 'I' word with me? Why not, "Xander, whata great idea", or "Xander, you always think outside the square."? Why the 'I' word?
Lucy
People just go for the most logical conclusion.
Xander
Look, I'll make you a drink, I think you're going to need a drink...
Lucy
Xander, I don't want a drink! It's one-thirty in the morning - what am I doing here?
Xander
Lily's brought someone home.
Lucy
Well as surprising as that is for someone with the charm and charisma of sociapathic turnip - I don't see why you'd be calling me.
Xander
It's who she brought home, Lucy, who! You had to see it with your own eyes.
Lucy
Who?
Xander
You won't believe me, come look
(Xander goes to the entrance to Lily's room.)
Lucy
I'm not walking in on that, no one ever needs to see that!
(Xander goes to Lucy and grabs her by the arm. He drags her after him.)
Xander
You need to see it!
Lucy
Xander...
(He pushes her in to Lily's room. Lucy screams and then staggers backwards out of the room. She is crying.)
Lucy
Bastard, you're a lying bastard!
Xander
I'm very sorry sweetheart?
Lucy
How could you do that
Xander
What, I haven't done anything. I han't cheated on anyone... you know... tonight...
Lucy
That was humiliating.
Xander
Well you wouldn't have believed me, you would have thought I was manipulating you.
(Lily enters. She is wearing a black nightgown with a kimono draped off her shoulders.)
Lily
I knew it - didn't I say that he'd be cheating?
Xander
Shut up, Lily! Go and... untie him.
Lily
Fine, fine... don't get hysterical.
(Lily goes back into her room.)
Xander
Actually, wait a moment, Lily...
(Xander follows Lily off.)
Xander(From off stage.)
You little prick!
(The sound of a punch.)
Other Male Voice (From off.)
Ow, shit!
Xander (Off.) You'd cheat on my niece with that?
Lily (Off.)
You married me!
(Xander walks back in, nursing his sore fist in with the other hand. He is calling back into the room.)
Xander
Don't remind me! I hit him for you, Lucy... that's my good uncle instinct...
(Lucy does not look at him. She is still crying.)
Xander
I was trying to do you a favour, you know.
(Lily enters.)
Lily
You with the waterworks. This idiot in here wants to talk to you.
Lucy
I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see him.
Xander
Get him out of here - and not this way.
Lily
The only other way is the window.
Xander
Then throw the little shit out of it.
Lily: You know, Lucy, I tried to tell you about him...
Xander
Piss off, Lily!
Lucy
And tell him I quit.
(Lily shoots Xander a look, and goes back into her room.)
Xander
That's wise, Lucy darling... and I feel awful about saying it... but you know you have a
job to come to.
Lucy
I don't know about that, Xander.
Xander
Come on, dear, I can pay you lots of money. I always thought you liked me.
Lucy
I do, Xander.
Xander
Remember those boring family things, when you were little? You thought I was the fun uncle. Lucy, dear, I was the 'funcle'.
Lucy
(Laughs slightly) You're very immature.
Xander
Yes.
Lucy
I don't want to fight with you and Lily all of the time.
Xander
We'll be good - I promise. I'll keep her under control and... feed her and everything.
(Lily wanders in behind them with an empty glass.)
Lucy
Well... when do you want me to start?
Xander
Straight away, dear.
Lily
Oh good.... (holding her glass out to Lucy). Do you know how to make a Gin and Tonic?
(Fade.)
