Scene 2 & 3 of the Sitcom I'm working on Page 2

Thanks guys, I do see your point ContainsNuts, but the training video is slightly out there for two reasons, 1. I don't want my comedy to be too naturalistic like The Office for example, it is set in the real world with real people but it will be quite 'wacky' at times and 2. The reason for the thief wanting Salad Cream etc is because these training videos have been made specifically for the Grahame Family Business and that's probably the type of thief they would get, as they don't make a lot of money so there is not much to steal.

Thanks your comments to SlagA, I like the Red Dwarf comparisons I haven't seen a lot of Red Dwarf but that example you give is the kind of thing I was getting at.

Quote: JohnnyD @ July 11, 2007, 7:06 PM

Charley,
Hopefully the banned Arthur Alexander is not the only person on this forum who has ever made 'critical' comments.

Best.

View original

Nope, criticism (positive and negative as long as it's constructive) is welcome.

Martin, SlagA, its just the only thing that popped up in my mind when reading it. I totally understand the reality bit, its difficult to explain.

Usually, when you spoof something you still keep to the rules of reality in terms that you may take the mickey out of the instructions and the reactions but still keep to the original format. In Red Dwarf you didn't see people arguing about which floor to go and taking focus away from how training videos are shot.

Maybe if it said at the end 'How to stop your typical salad thief' it would give it a bit more validity in my (probably) over-picky mind. Also, I didn't see any reference to it being specially made for this store. That would be a nice touch. Maybe even have one of your characters in it with a perm, or another caption stating this.

Sorry, I'm just trying to understand how I felt when I read it. It might be just me and I'm certainly not saying trash it.

Quote: ContainsNuts @ July 12, 2007, 10:03 AM

Also, I didn't see any reference to it being specially made for this store.

View original

JAMES
Interesting. (beat) The most important thing I learnt was that taking 4 days to put together a 15 minute health and safety video with an over-priced actor and a cheap American script was one of the worst things this company's ever done.

The great strength of this piece, for me, Martin, is the healthy respect you have for your readers. It may, of course, also be a weakness!

Yeah, I just feel it may of been made earlier. But again, I don't want to sound over-critical I'm just explaining the same point - probably very badly.

And that's, kind of, my point.
(Martin, wasn't it you on the G&S thread that was apoplectic about Jez 'explaining' the 'melon-cock' gag?)
I think there is a conscious effort here to 'not explain' jokes. For me, that's a strength. However, I rather doubt that the skip-readers even got the throwaway (please!) AA joke. The arrival of Bob just being something 'wacky'.

Nonetheless, very promising stuff.

Best.

Quote: JohnnyD @ July 12, 2007, 11:30 AM

And that's, kind of, my point.
(Martin, wasn't it you on the G&S thread that was apoplectic about Jez 'explaining' the 'melon-cock' gag?)
I think there is a conscious effort here to 'not explain' jokes. For me, that's a strength. However, I rather doubt that the skip-readers even got the throwaway (please!) AA joke. The arrival of Bob just being something 'wacky'.

Nonetheless, very promising stuff.

Best.

View original

Yeah it was me who mentioned the Peep Show 'melon-cock' gag, the difference with that is that it was over explaining the same gag, we already knew that Jez had had his cock in the melon that was funny, then Nancy was about to eat the melon that was very funny, but then it was over explained by Jez saying "I wouldn't do that if I was you"...it just felt like a nod to the audience of "Remember I said I had my cock in the melon and now she's about to eat it..remember?". It just felt unnecessary.

With my script the bit you quoted where JAMES mentions the cheap budget and American script its explaining where the training video came from but also adding something more to the joke, the American script hopefully meaning "over-dramatic and an unnecessary need of guns"..hence the saying in the training video "Be safe, be careful and make sure you're heavily armed".

I'm glad you think it's a strength though, of not explaining gags, it's not that I'm purposely not explaining..it's just where I feel the audience will get the gag anyway they don't need to be treated as if they are dumb.

I see you still have a problem with the AA gag . I'm sure when we go over the script again we'll tweak that gag, I think you are looking at it as just a 'gag that isn't required' and again this may be down to me not explaining everything straight away, but first off CHAS's quad bike will be featured a lot in the series so this is giving an example of it causing a problem, also CHAS always seems to stop JENNIFER from doing things, example she wants to go on a Honeymoon but Chas has a fear of enclosed vehicles...then the "looking after boozing Bob meaning she missed the Face Cream Through The Ages exhibition" was another example of him making her miss something. All this would become more clear throughout the episode and the series as they are all character traits. I try to not put stuff in just for the sake of it.

Thanks for all the comments though guys.

I really liked the idea behind it all... it flowed... it drew me in... though maybe i would of wanted a more obscure shopping item... but it was very good loved the idea... nice one

Thanks Reiss.

ContainsNuts, I know where you were coming from and you explained it well.

Plus you do raise a valid point and it's one that I'm guilty of committing time and again, where the 'suspension of disbelief' is broken for the viewer and they become aware that they are watching a show rather than being absorbed.

Good, Martin. Try to imagine you're watching it, knackered after a hard day, half paying attention. It's got a good pace to it and I can feel some of the situations. No laughs for me - something to work on..

Martin, three or four rock solid gags in this excerpt. I think you'd still keep a reader's attention. I withdraw my earlier offer to help you film it, however.

Although it can mean stuff gets missed I think not over-explaining gags is one of the marks of a mature writer, so you're doing well here.

Aready, I think a producer would be shaking their head at the multiple locations, but if we assume that this is a spec script with the sole purpose of showing that you can control and slowly reveal a narrative, while maintaining a number of individual character voices, then you're on target.

The Face Cream Through The Ages Exhibition is genius.

JonnyD.
Apologies. I was not on about the criticism. More the
Best at the end of it. Sorry for the confusion.
Criticism is actualy better advice than praise. Done in the right way of course.

Quote: Godot Taxis @ July 13, 2007, 2:27 AM

Martin, three or four rock solid gags in this excerpt. I think you'd still keep a reader's attention. I withdraw my earlier offer to help you film it, however.

Although it can mean stuff gets missed I think not over-explaining gags is one of the marks of a mature writer, so you're doing well here.

Aready, I think a producer would be shaking their head at the multiple locations, but if we assume that this is a spec script with the sole purpose of showing that you can control and slowly reveal a narrative, while maintaining a number of individual character voices, then you're on target.

The Face Cream Through The Ages Exhibition is genius.

View original

Thanks Godot. Do you really think it's too many locations? Basically the main place of action will be taking place at the services, which is a small cafe, shop and petrol station in a countryside, so either it would be filmed on a location or a set would be built to replicate that. I know the first scene with the toll bridge may be difficult to construct though. But I think if I were to find a good spot in the countryside most of the filming for scenes could be done in the same area. Later in the script most scenes take place in the cafe and on the countryroad with Walker, I suppose my use of flashbacks means more location though so I see your point from that aspect. I do have some contacts who are willing to help me get stuff filmed, so if no production company does like my work then I always have that option...even if I just film a couple of scenes.

Quote: SlagA @ July 12, 2007, 8:44 PM

ContainsNuts, I know where you were coming from and you explained it well.

Plus you do raise a valid point and it's one that I'm guilty of committing time and again, where the 'suspension of disbelief' is broken for the viewer and they become aware that they are watching a show rather than being absorbed.

View original

Cheers SlagA, these are just judgements I make as learn more about comedy - just like we all do. I guess we all have to make up our own minds but its good to know if other people share your views. Good luck with this Martin.