NewsJack Rejections. Series 6 Page 11

Justin:

"An American author has claimed that women will out-earn men in every profession within the next twenty-five years. However, there's one crucial detail which she overlooked; namely the fact that men rule the world, and we're not going to allow that happen in a million years; let alone twenty-five!"

"A group of bus drivers from Corby are £38 million better off, after scooping last Friday's Euro Millions jackpot. To put that into context, they're now wealthy enough to buy the roads they drive on."

"Julian Assange is to stand in the Australian senate elections, despite being detained thousands of miles away... thus bringing a new, literal meaning to the phrase 'useless politician'."

"The creator of Red Bull has passed away at the ripe old age of 89. Shortly before his death, Chaleo Yoovidhya put his longevity down to a combination of regular exercise and abstaining from chavvy energy drinks."

JackApps:

"I'm not surprised that Rowan Williams has decided to call it quits... I mean, never before has a bishop been bashed quite so mercilessly!"

"I find the government's decision to freeze the minimum wage for young people; rather chilling."

"I used to think that Fathers 4 Justice were a bunch of idiotic attention-seekers, however after their nude protest in Oxford Street, I can see that they're actually a legitimate organisation after all."

"I've just seen that leaked video of an X-Factor judge lip-syncing. If you ask me, she really ought to work on her technique!"

Corrections:

"During last week's show, we erroneously claimed that the government's squatting reforms will criminalise female urination."

"It's come to our attention that George Clooney was actually arrested for civil disobedience; and not for being 'too gorgeous'."

Favourites so far

Quote: groovydude89 @ March 22 2012, 6:32 PM GMT

Justin:
"An American author has claimed that women will out-earn men in every profession within the next twenty-five years. However, there's one crucial detail which she overlooked; namely the fact that men rule the world, and we're not going to allow that happen in a million years; let alone twenty-five!"

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Quote: Park Bench @ March 22 2012, 6:25 PM GMT

The latest Bank of Scotland survey shows that the job market in Scotland is improving. For the first time since October, February saw the number of jobs available on a daily basis outstrip the number of sightings of the Loch Ness monster. However, there is still more chance of catching the monster than actually getting a job.

View original

Quote: Nodz @ March 22 2012, 6:27 PM GMT

Doctors opposed to the government's health reforms have said they will stand against high-profile coalition MPs at the next general election. They'll then be measured and the tallest declared the winner.

View original

This week I got secured into a false sense of lull
And my way off target one liners were:

80% of Women have clothes that are too small in their wardrobe. I'm afraid there's only one thing we can infer from that. I don't want to be the one to say it... but wardrobes must be getting bigger

They've announced the route for the Olympic flame and we're all very excited. As John Barrowman once said "I'm getting TorchWood. "

In last weeks show we accused Donald Trumps son's of destroying a rare birds nest during a hunting trip. It has since come to light that they were actually just ruffling their fathers hair.

Don't give me all that rubbish about Apps draining battery life, I've got hundred of Apps & not once have I ever (PHONE GOES DEAD)

They say that watching Harry Potter makes kids more intelligent. Well I've just left one of mine at Kings Cross station between platforms 9 & 10 trying to run through a brick wall.

I'm glad that Police are allowed to use Water cannons So next time my plants are looking a bit dry I can just start a riot in my garden.

Islington council are going to employ Dog Poop detectives. I don't know what they'll be doing exactly, probably just following a few leads.

The Law in Israel is to prohibit underweight Models. with a policy they are calling zero intolerance

The Pope is bringing out a new perfume. With heavy French influences The scent is to be called Pope Paree.

Special offer company Groupon have been warned to buck up their ideas or face a six month ban with six months extra added on for free.

Well they've definitely made it a family friendly budget. We'll all be staying in together because we're skint.

Quote: Park Bench @ March 22 2012, 6:25 PM GMT

Premiership footballer John Terry's request to have lip-reading evidence banned from his race row trial has been refused in court by Judge Howard Riddle. It is not yet known whether the evidence will prove beneficial, as the current translation is 'Are you parking back at the spaceship loaf of bread with a chocolate trilby ?'.

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That idea could work really well. But shouldn't it be a play on something that sounds racist? Or perhaps it was and it went straight over my head...
Alison

Maybe that's why it never made it. :/

Correction intro was used
Newsjack Apps

A consortium of bus drivers has won thirty eight million pounds on the euro lottery - which is lucky because that's how much it'll cost to drive on privatized roads

How can the Tories say they're not protecting the rich - they've given a huge tax break to Lord Grantham

The University of Sterling have conducted a study to help dementia patients live at home - if Scotland get independence they'll have to change that name

Hello I'm the man with the robotic bladder. I'd just like to say I was very happy until I saw they've released the mega bladder 2.0 making mine obsolete!

Policemen will now have four chances to complete a shuttle run if they fail they'll have their pay cut - I'd be exhausted after the first three attempts

So Nick Clegg was against NHS reforms now he's not? - he could break his back if he keeps moving the goal posts like that

A stable boy has won one million pounds on a bet - he got great odds on Ed Miliband staying Labour leader for eighteen months

Corrections

In the media "mistake" is a four letter word - which in itself is a mistake. Newsjack would now like to correct some past mistakes

Last week we said the police were cracking down on fictional characters who reside under bridges - we of course meant they were cracking down on internet trolls

Earlier we mentioned a famous, talented, sexy man who stood up for the poor - this was not referring to George Clooney but the time I gave up my seat on the bus

And Finally

That was Newsjack first broadcast way back in March twenty twelve the week that saw the Queen promise to rededicate herself to the service of the UK. No one took this seriously until she started working in Tescos. It was later discovered this was to make sure she kept receiving money from the state. Next on radio four extra we continue serializing George Clooneys autobiography which he wrote whilst imprisoned in a Sudanese jail entitled; I wish I never stuck my nose in

That was Newsjack first broadcast in March twenty twelve the week that first saw the discussion of privatization British roads. The people were outraged at the prospect of paying to use roads and this eventually led to people refusing to leave their own streets separating the country into millions of tiny towns. I'd just like to give a shout out to my hommies of St Johns Street. Next on Radio four extra Downing Street news; there's a crack in the pavement.

END

I'd such high hopes for these little ones. Sigh.

JUSTIN'S INTRO
North Korea agreed to let UN inspectors return in exchange for food aid. An arrangement not dissimilar to the one I had at school where I'd show anyone my weapon for three Opal Fruits and a bunch of grapes.

George Osborne is to send everyone a statement of how the taxes they paid are spent. I imagine Ken Livingstone's will just say 'Posting this letter'.

In his budget the chancellor found a novel way of raising over 10 billion pounds. He put a penny tax on Adele's 21 album.

NEWSJACK APP
So David Cameron wants to see the Victorian Swagger return to Britain? (BEAT) Wasn't that rickets?

I agree with George Osborne, we should relax Sunday trading laws during the Olympics. Well it'll be summer and a lot of people will want ice cream.

I think opening the shops on Sunday during the Olympics is a good idea. Got to have something to do since I couldn't get any tickets for the games.
(JIMMY CARR DID A SIMILAR JOKE ON 10'CLOCK LIVE TO THIS. HMMM)

AND TWO THAT ARE PROBABLY TOO OBSCURE AND ARE NOT ONE-LINERS!

(DAVID CAMERON) Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, Catch a tiger by the toe. If he hollers, let him go, Eeny, meeny, miny, moe. Right that's settled we're definitely going for the vertical landing version of the F-35 fighter. No Philip I'm not going to do Ip Dip Dog Shit.

(OUT OF BREATH AND BREATHING HEAVILY) .... Mrs. Howard .... it's your ... obscene ... phone caller. (BREATHING MORE NORMALLY). You'll be pleased to hear we've arrested him Mrs. Howard. (ASIDE) Sergeant we've got to move this phone closer, I'm knackered running over here to answer it.

Quote: Park Bench @ March 22 2012, 6:25 PM GMT

Premiership footballer John Terry's request to have lip-reading evidence banned from his race row trial has been refused in court by Judge Howard Riddle. It is not yet known whether the evidence will prove beneficial, as the current translation is 'Are you parking back at the spaceship loaf of bread with a chocolate trilby ?'

An opinion poll commissioned by Greenpeace and the RSPB has found that just 2% of the UK public believe they live under the 'greenest' government ever. The figure was initially 95%, until respondents were told the question actually referred to the environment.

The latest Bank of Scotland survey shows that the job market in Scotland is improving. For the first time since October, February saw the number of jobs available on a daily basis outstrip the number of sightings of the Loch Ness monster. However, there is still more chance of catching the monster than actually getting a job.

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Park Bench - I think there's some nice ideas in these but they don't quite read as a JackApp or Correction. Take the middle one you could try:
- Yes I was one of the 2% of people who think this is the greenest government ever. (BEAT) What, the question was about the enviornemnt?

Quote: Nodz @ March 22 2012, 6:27 PM GMT

Corrections:
We'd like to apologise for saying earlier that, at a cabinet meeting to mark the impending passing of the coalition's NHS reforms, ministers enthusiastically "banged" Vince Cable. We meant to say, of course, that they banged the table.

News One Liners:
Doctors opposed to the government's health reforms have said they will stand against high-profile coalition MPs at the next general election. They'll then be measured and the tallest declared the winner.

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Love the Doctors one.

It might just be me but would the Table / Cable one work better if you didn't fully reveal Vince Cable. Something like:
We'd like to apologise for a mistake in our earlier report saying ministers enthusiastically banged the cabinet table after the NHS bill was passed. We'd like to reassure listeners that the Business Scretary was unharmed.
(Could just be me)

Quote: groovydude89 @ March 22 2012, 6:32 PM GMT

"I've just seen that leaked video of an X-Factor judge lip-syncing. If you ask me, she really ought to work on her technique!"

"During last week's show, we erroneously claimed that the government's squatting reforms will criminalise female urination."

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Liked these two.

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ March 22 2012, 7:52 PM GMT

Don't give me all that rubbish about Apps draining battery life, I've got hundred of Apps & not once have I ever (PHONE GOES DEAD)

Special offer company Groupon have been warned to buck up their ideas or face a six month ban with six months extra added on for free.

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Nice.

Especially like the Apps battery life one - was trying to think of one for that and couldn't but that does it perfectly.

Quote: blahblah @ March 22 2012, 11:03 PM GMT

Correction intro was used

Earlier we mentioned a famous, talented, sexy man who stood up for the poor - this was not referring to George Clooney but the time I gave up my seat on the bus

View original

Good work on the intro and like this correction.

Didn't have much hope for mine this week (you'll soon see why) but throwing them up here anyway. I'm so reckless I may even be tempted to post my abortive sketch-writing efforts later on too (but possibly not...)

Headlines
Justin:Tax breaks are to be offered to television drama productions to encourage filming in Britain, following upcoming drama Titanic being shot in Hungary and the latest series of Doctor Who keeping costs down by filming on Neptune.

Jackapps

Justin:A new study has shown that free mobile apps consume an awful lot of battery life. I'm not saying they're right, but here are some of the longest messages left this week on our Jackapp...

Woman:I'm gutted that I won't be involved in the Olympic flame relay. After all I've carried a torch for Seb Coe for many years.

Caller:Getting hairdressers to spot skin cancer is a ridiculous idea! What next, waitresses diagnosing STIs??

And Finally...

Announcer:That was an episode of Newsjack from way back in March 2012, in a week where relaxed Sunday Trading hours were first announced. Confusion about this eventually led to the situation nowadays where shops are only open on Sundays.
Up next on BBC Radio 4, noted Vampire and former chancellor George Osborne reads from his own bestseller, My 50 best-ever budgets, with number 49, curiously enough, also from March 2012.

Love all these:

Quote: groovydude89 @ March 22 2012, 6:32 PM GMT

"I've just seen that leaked video of an X-Factor judge lip-syncing. If you ask me, she really ought to work on her technique!"

"During last week's show, we erroneously claimed that the government's squatting reforms will criminalise female urination."

View original

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ March 22 2012, 7:52 PM GMT

In last weeks show we accused Donald Trumps son's of destroying a rare birds nest during a hunting trip. It has since come to light that they were actually just ruffling their fathers hair.

They say that watching Harry Potter makes kids more intelligent. Well I've just left one of mine at Kings Cross station between platforms 9 & 10 trying to run through a brick wall.

Islington council are going to employ Dog Poop detectives. I don't know what they'll be doing exactly, probably just following a few leads.

View original

Quote: blahblah @ March 22 2012, 11:03 PM GMT

How can the Tories say they're not protecting the rich - they've given a huge tax break to Lord Grantham

View original

Quote: StephenM @ March 23 2012, 1:17 AM GMT

JUSTIN'S INTRO
North Korea agreed to let UN inspectors return in exchange for food aid. An arrangement not dissimilar to the one I had at school where I'd show anyone my weapon for three Opal Fruits and a bunch of grapes.

George Osborne is to send everyone a statement of how the taxes they paid are spent. I imagine Ken Livingstone's will just say 'Posting this letter'.

View original

Also, really liked this one:

Quote: radiat10n @ March 23 2012, 8:34 AM GMT

Woman:I'm gutted that I won't be involved in the Olympic flame relay. After all I've carried a torch for Seb Coe for many years.

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but I toyed with the idea of a "carrying a torch for Seb Coe" joke, too (although gave up, as I couldn't word it as concisely and funnily as you), so I wonder if they had a lot like that.

I nearly didn't send mine this week, as I knew most of them were a bit pants, but, to my delight, they used the first one:

CORRECTION: Last week we reported that Mumford and Sons were David Cameron's first choice to perform for the Obamas at the White House. We now understand that he would have preferred a rapper, but George Osborne insisted there would be no Plan B.

CORRECTION: We wrongly said that the image of Christian Louboutin shoes had been tainted by rumours that they caused lung disease. It's actually because people now associate them with Asma.

JACK APP: It worries me that the MPs and Lords think windows a suitable gift for a Queen. Apple offers much better software.

JACK APP: (Blakey from On The Buses voice) You left me out of the syndicate! I 'ate you, Butler!

JACK APP: Katie Price granted a divorce over Alex's unreasonable behaviour? Well, he married her. That seems pretty unreasonable to me.

JUSTIN: No wonder the Cabinet have been banging the table with relief. The NHS Bill has been like a very hard stool - extremely difficult to pass, a lot of paper has been wasted trying to wipe it out and, no matter how many changes it's undergone during its long passage, when it comes out, it's still going to be poo.

Here's my one liners for this week, two of which made the cut...

INTRO:
Leaked emails this week revealed Syrian Dictator Bashar al-Assad's iTunes playlist. It seems he's a bit of a fan of Cliff Richard and Leona Lewis, although his absolute favourite song is Right Said Fred's I'm Too Sexy For My Shi'ite.

INTRO:
A syndicate of 12 bus drivers scooped £38 Million on the EuroMillions lottery this week. Problems occurred when they tried to accept their prize, though, with the bus drivers refusing to accept a cheque and demanding they be paid the exact amount in coins.

INTRO:
Business news now, and parcel delivery company United Parcel Service have bought rival company TNT for a staggering $6.8 Billion. Buying it is the easy part, just wait until they try to arrange delivery.

INTRO:
Premier Foods may have to restructure their organisation after its bread making division lost £259 Million. A spokesman said they will be able to slice up the business and find a buyer for most of it, but no one is ever interested in the two bits at either end.

KATIE PRICE:
This is Katie Price. Look, go easy on Alex Reid, alright, we only got divorced 'cos he couldn't take the Heat. Or OK Magazine, or Grazia, or Now Magazine, or Take A Break...

JACKAPP:
Round my way, the police are trying to set up one of those Neighbourhood Weight Watchers schemes...

JACKAPP:
Is it any wonder that there's no money in the policing budget, have you seen how much gym membership costs these days?

JACKAPP:
I'm so happy that Victoria Coren announced her engagement to David Mitchell, it's about time there was some good news on Eastenders.

JACKAPP:
See! That Harry Potter star who got jailed for taking part in the riots last year, it just proves that not everyone who goes to a fancy school will turn out right.

CORRECTION:
We would like to apologise for our report in which we said that Robbie Williams no longer wanted to be associated with Angels. What we actually meant was that Rowan Williams is stepping down from his role as the Archbishop of Canterbury.

CORRECTION:
Newsjack would like to apologise about our report on obesity within the police force. We merely suggested that the Boys In Blue chose a dark colour for their uniform as it's very slimming.

AND FINALLY:
And that was Newsjack from back in March 2012, in the week that the Archbishop of Canterbury resigned so that he could join Cambridge University. An audit of the collection plate at Canterbury Cathedral would later reveal a £9000 shortfall which remains unexplained to this day.

It was also the week that Apple announced they would issue dividend payments for the first time since 1995. This caused a frenzy amongst shareholders, who started queueing outside banks months prior to the issue, just so they could be the among first to get their hands on the payout.

Next on Radio 4 Extra, an in-depth examination of the average length of Katie Price's marriages in perennial favourite, Just A Minute.

-------

I was really happy with the first four, I thought they had a decent chance. They rejigged the parcel delivery one from an intro to a jackapp, and made the punchline stronger.

I was pretty knackered this week, and I really struggled to get to these. I was happy enough with them in the end, just took me a lot longer than I would've liked to write them.

It's kind of overloaded with police fitness gags, as they're unused jokes from the sketch I wrote. If I'd have been more on top of my game I probably wouldn't have sent them...

If you're struggling for one liners, I was thinking it's probably an interesting exercise to take all the one liners you've written this week, and reword them each as an intro, a jackapp, and a correction. I usually try a couple of permutations for each one, and go with whichever one feels right to me...

I'll check back with my comments about stuff posted here later on, but for now, thanks for reading...

Quote: blackbroom @ March 23 2012, 3:06 PM GMT

CORRECTION: Last week we reported that Mumford and Sons were David Cameron's first choice to perform for the Obamas at the White House. We now understand that he would have preferred a rapper, but George Osborne insisted there would be no Plan B.

JACK APP: (Blakey from On The Buses voice) You left me out of the syndicate! I 'ate you, Butler!

View original

Can't believe you weren't going to send the Plan B joke - that's superb. Also like the Blakey one as well. That's definitely one for the kids.

(I too tried for a Windows PC / Queen joke but you did better than me in actually arriving at one.)

And 3songs - good work on the double credit. Both nice lines.

I don't know what I was thinking this week. And I'm obsessed by Gregg Wallace whenever I write something!

JACKAPP:
You don't have to be a mind-reader to know what John Terry's thinking. Cos he'll ban you.

MAN:
Kelly Brook is the shape of a butternut squash is she? Well, I'm more than happy with her being one of my five a day!

GREGG WALLACE:
I always considered myself relatively intelligent and now it turns out it's all because I eat on demand!

JACKAPP:
That woman trying to reach 115 stone is only 54 stone at the moment. I bet that's the first time she's not even got halfway through something.

JACKAPP:
Frankly, I can't tell the difference between a Whitehall mandarin and a Whitehall satsuma. I think one is bitter.

JACKAPP:
So, George Osborne's going to come down on tax avoidance like a tonne of bricks, is he? Well, I bet he gets a man in to do the brickwork.

JACKAPP:
As a headteacher, I've excluded many people due to bad attitude, bad influence and bad manners. But now there's no-one left to teach maths.

RUSSELL BRAND:
(UPSET) I've spent years trying to be the world's premier lothario and now... now it turns out I'm not even half the man boring Bill Roache is! (CRIES)

JACKAPP:
I kept getting email from a mate who died five months ago. At least he's doing well for himself now, getting that job as a Viagra salesman.

NICK CLEGG:
Hi, Nick Clegg here. I've got a policy through! Get innnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!

TELEWORKER:
Hello, has someone missold you PPI? That's Petrol Poverty Insurance. Well, it turns out, you may be quids in.

JACKAPP:
If that woman gets to 115 stone like she wants to, she'll not only be the world's heaviest woman, she'll also be the world's heaviest car!

And, on the off-chance they were going to do any budget ones:

INTRO:
45% of the JackApp Budget Special is going to the government. This includes 20% on health, 20% on obsolete aircraft carriers and 5% fat, of which four and a half per cent is saturated fat.

JACKAPP:
I don't fancy Osborne coming down like a ton of bricks on me. Or 28% of a ton of bricks, after the accountants have done their bit.

JACKAPP:
I'd like a clampdown on the sidestepping of tax. Anyone who's stood on one knows they're really painful!

JACKAPP:
Child Benefit removed from higher rate payers? Without proper permits, I don't think they should be allowed to hold any concerts.

JACKAPP:
Eight weekends unrestricted Sunday opening for the Olympics? I can't say I'm disappointed. I hate limboing into shops.

JACKAPP:
I was very disappointed with the budget. I turned on for the 'Stamp Duty Stampdown' and not a single person was wearing spandex.

FINALLY:
GREGG WALLACE:
That was Newsjack from March 2012, in the week that scientists almost discovered the gene that makes people greedy, but were thwarted when I, Gregg Wallace, ate the research facility.

It was also the week that Apple was named the world's top brand. That should obviously read 'world's top pie'.

Next on Radio 4 Extra, Who Wants To Be A Million Stone?, some bird tries to become the world's heaviest woman, but she has to get past me first! Nyom nyom!

END

Dan

My rushed jobs and cut corners this week...

AND FINALLY...

(1)That was Newsjack, first transmitted in the week that Just a Minute was broadcast live from India. The first ten minutes were spent on hold. It wasn't repeated.

NEWSJACK APP/ ONE-LINERS

(2)David Cameron says ministers are going to replace nuclear power stations. That would never work.

(3)Well, obviously there's a North/South divide. It's called The Equator.

(4)(Scottish lady) Aye I was just cleaning the floor of the saloon bar and there it was - the face of Jesus! Staring up from the plank. Well I scrubbed it with bleech, and I scraped at it with my pumice stone, and I scoured it away until that floor was spotless. And would you believe it - three days later it came back.

(5)Hello - I'm one of the bus drivers who won 38 million quid on the Euromillions. I won't change though - stay on down the High Street, three stops, be there in no time.

(6)(rough kid) I couldn't be excluded from school 'cos the form wasn't filled in properly - but I beat up about half of them...

(7)F-35 fighter plane U-Turn? Pah. Call me when it can loop the loop.

(8)I don't see the point of privatising the road - I already own it.

INTROS/ ONE-LINERS

(9)This week it was Mothering Sunday. I hope you had a lovely day - you mothers.

Having had my app returned by the electronic postman (thanks Mailer-Daemon) and failed to notice the notice, I think I can, legitimately, post early this week.

After all, if you can't be good, you can still be first, eh?

Just been having fun reading the above and looking forward to a new batch later. Good luck for week 6 everyone!

One Liners

We'd like to wish Dick Cheney a speedy recovery after his recent heart transplant. Imagine! Dick Cheney with a heart!

Peter Cruddas was caught by Sunday Times journalists offering access the Prime Minister and No. 10 policy committee in exchange for donations - further proof that Labour must stop getting money from the Unions.

A 'Gang of Blondes' who kidnapped other women and emptied their bank accounts have been caught in Brazil - where when the girl from Ipanema goes walking, when she passes, each one she passes goes 'ahhh, ow, get off, that's my credit card'.

Boris Johnson has said he will block the third runway at Heathrow, to prevent George Osborne doing a U turn on the runway and crashing into Slough, or even worse, Eton.

Apps

(Cheney) Hi, this is Dick Cheney just calling to say 'F**k you, Tin Man'

(Brummie Businessman) I paid a quarter of a million pounds for dinner with David Cameron and George Osborne and it was worth every penny. I'd never trashed a restaurant before.

I'm confused about this new report that Swindon has the lowest rate of road accidents in the country. It's Swindon! What do they have to live for?

Congratulations to Konnie Huq and Charlie Brooker on their new baby boy. Did they have a phone in to choose the name?

Correction

We were wrong to speculate earlier that the price of stamps has gone up after George Osborne had his postman to dinner at No. 11. He had postman to dinner because he has no friends.

And Finally ...

That was the last ever edition of Newsjack, broadcast way back in Spring 2012, shortly before comedy withdrew from the airwaves, having completed all its goals. Who can now forget the wave of virulent satire that shamed politicians into honouring promises and answering questions directly? In the ensuing months errant satnavs, voice activated menus and owls in pipes fell like dominos, culminating in the mass suicide of the bankers that summer. There were casualties of course - thousands of precocious sitcom children who had to go back to playing with dollies and action men and, of course, my wife, who was finally forced, involuntarily, to go to Jamaica.

Introduction

On Sunday the Titanic aired - then sank - aired again then bobbed about a bit

The Argentines have accused Britain of sending a nuclear armed submarine to the South Atlantic. Nick Clegg said it was baseless - which explains why it is at the bottom of the sea

A US man is in court accused of hacking Scarlett Johansson computer and publishing nude pictures of the starlet. When asked if he had anything to say he offered two words "You're welcome"

Newsjack App

I went to the Dr Who convention and it was paradise - by that I mean it was full of virgins!

After the tragedy of what happened to Muamba people are calling for football players to have heart tests - it'll make a change from paternity tests

They say the young people in the riots last year suffered from a lack of a support- that's not true I think we all had our favourite looters

I saw the new Tulisa video - I'm no expert but I don't think that's a microphone

People are worried that children may be pigeon holed at play school - I hope they aren't a pigeon hole is too small for a child. That's why I keep mine in a kennel

JK Rowling here. The reason I'm not on Forbes Billionaires list is because I give money to people less fortunate than me- unfortunately that's everyone!

(Scottish) Last week Aberdeenshire broke the temperature record - the new record is "quite warm" instead of "bloody freezing"

The director said the third Hangover will be the last - I always say that but I'm soon drinking the mouthwash

Peter Cruddas said he could grant access to David Cameron for two hundred and fifty thousand pounds - after the budget I'd grant access to my wife for two pound fifty

Corrections

Mistakes are like breasts I love my wives, but not my own. Newsjack would like to correct some past mistakes

Earlier we said first class would cost sixty pence - this was referring to stamps and not as we reported the Tories plans to privatize schools

Earlier in the show we claimed a little prick could win Britain a gold medal - this was in reference to swimmers drawing blood and releasing a shark into the pool and not as we reported Tom Daily

The Nutbrown Review is a study into the literacy and numeracy ability of childminders and nursery staff and not as we reported a nut based constipation treatment

We reported a fashion obsessed woman mixing with the sports world to create something annoying- this was referring to Stella McCartney designing the Olympic outfits and not as we reported the Beckhams children

END

Justin:

"Glenn Hoddle has claimed that his life will be incomplete, if he doesn't get a second chance to manage England. Oh well, at least he'd still have his next life to look forward to!"

"Simon Cowell has compared the experience of finding an intruder in his home, to watching a horror movie... which is ironic, as I made the exact same comparison whilst watching Britain's Got Talent."

"The revelation that Margaret Thatcher wishes she'd never gone into politics, has got people talking this week... or more specifically, it's got many of them saying 'I agree with Maggie;' for the very first time!"

JackApps:

"How can free schools be a waste of money, if they're free?"

"To me, Sport Relief means a day on which there's no sport on the telly."

"I'd take two weeks in Majorca over a stamp duty holiday, any day!"

"A nine-year-old boy has admitted that he was 'buzzing' after Wayne Rooney broke his wrist. Masochist!"

"Theresa May's correct that an independent Scotland would be swamped by immigrants... however, she neglected to mention the fact that 99% of them would be English."

"Forget about a minimum alcohol price - what we need is a maximum petrol price!"

"MI5 have put their entire staff on Olympic watch... which explains why there's a shortage of tickets!"