I thought this would have been up already but I'll oblige.
NewsJack Rejections. Series 6
Everyone is using the huge Series 5 thread right below this post.
I thought they could move them over now.
Before it's too late., and series 5 goes down in folklore as
"The series where they rejected too many"
Hurrah! And in a bid to get this thread up and running here's my rejects for episode 1.
(What do you mean you're all thinking about episode 2 now?)
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JACKAPP
So playing video games helps your eyesight? I suppose when you're playing games on your computer you won't be surfing the internet.
CORRECTIONS
We reported earlier that India was on the verge of eradicating polio. But we were wrong to suggest they were also hoping to eradicate Rol-i-o (PRONOUNCED SO RHYMES WITH POLIO), Aer-i-o and Kinder Buen-i-o.
Some of my unused items from week one:
CORRECTIONS:
We're sorry for confusing boxer Dereck "Del Boy" Chisora with Derek "Del Boy" Trotter. We accept that David Jason's character never threatened to pull a Trigger.
We weren't pre-empting the judicial system when we said Sun employees would soon be "doing a lot of time". With a seven-day paper to produce, they will be.
It's London Fashion Week: we apologise for reporting it like anyone actually gives a shit.
JACK APPS:
POSH WOMAN: I'm delighted that a talented surgeon has helped Adele to sing again; now can he go back and do something about the way she talks?
That scientist making synthetic beefburgers says at first they'll taste really bland. So they're competing with McDonald's already?
I can't understand the fuss about one woman appearing on three BBC quiz shows in a week when they allow CJ off the Eggheads to appear in five.
About time Paul McCartney stopped taking all that marijuana. With his money he can afford to pay for it like everyone else.
Our hospital porter William used to be known as "NHS Bill". Nobody liked him either.
JUSTIN INTRO GAG:
Communities secretary Eric Pickles has reinstated the right to prayer for councils, clearing the way for councils to continue praying for the removal of communities secretary Eric Pickles.
A big thumbs up for the 'Del Boy' joke Badge.
Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ February 25 2012, 2:42 PM GMTA big thumbs up for the 'Del Boy' joke Badge.
Thanks Gerry. Unfortunately it's spoilt a bit by having to include the word "a" in it to make sense. I hoped I could get away with it but clearly not!
Quote: Badge @ February 25 2012, 2:26 PM GMTIt's London Fashion Week: we apologise for reporting it like anyone actually gives a shit.
That made me laugh.
My pick of the pops from the other thread:
Quote: Garry Lee @ February 23 2012, 6:12 PM GMT"Whitney Houston posthumously managed to claim 23 places in the UK's Top 200 Singles Chart this week; finally providing Louis Walsh with a foolproof strategy for getting Jedward that elusive Christmas number one."
Quote: Kevin Mears @ February 23 2012, 6:29 PM GMTI look forward to eating one of these new test tube burgers with relish. I'll be darned if I'm going to eat one without it.
Quote: amarsandhu @ February 23 2012, 6:48 PM GMT(Australian accent) So Dutch researchers think they've created the world's first completely artificial beefcake? Err I think you'll find that Peter Andre's mum got there first.
Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ February 23 2012, 7:09 PM GMTYou can now transfer cash using your mobile phone. Which is great news for former News of the World staff.
Quote: Steve Sunshine @ February 23 2012, 7:36 PM GMTIt's all very well Scientists trying to fertilize Seeds that are 30,000 years old but I'm not sure Catherine Zeta Jones even wants any more children.
Quote: Timbo @ February 23 2012, 9:56 PM GMTIn our item on synthetic meat grown in a Dutch laboratory we erroneously reported that scientists spending two hundred thousand pounds to produce a single hamburger were hoping to undercut the Gourmet Burger Kitchen.
Quote: sootyj @ February 23 2012, 10:58 PM GMTThe government is keeping the NHS promise to care from cradle to the grave.
They're just shortening the time between the two.
Quote: Big Jack @ February 24 2012, 12:25 AM GMTThe film "Titanic" is being re-issued in 3D - technology is so advanced now that they have been able to add two dimensions to the original.
Some of the others were decent too, but there are also some "too long", "not written as a JackApp or Correction", or "old story".
Good luck for this week!
All really clever, me no understand??
Does anyone find you can write two sketches in a flash, but the third (and always the best idea) is an agonising crawl to perfection?
I've had to bin this one because the subject isn't really something that will get laughs from a studio audience. It's two cheesy commentators riffing around 'the story about 15 year olds producing 2012 badges for 6p an hour'.
COM #1:
We're here today at the Sweatshop Olympics in China, the precursor to the big un', London 2012! We've got several events lined up for you today, folks.
COM #2:
First up in the under-16 category, we'll see how many Olympic pin badges these kids can produce in an 11-hour period!
COM #1:
Oh yeah, it's an endurance run, alright. You've got to admire that work ethic in the face of total exploitation!
A bit of ugly thread bastardisation but I liked these:
Quote: Garry Lee @ February 23 2012, 6:12 PM GMT"Whitney Houston posthumously managed to claim 23 places in the UK's Top 200 Singles Chart this week; finally providing Louis Walsh with a foolproof strategy for getting Jedward that elusive Christmas number one."
Good, but as RJ said, bad taste.
Quote: Kevin Mears @ February 23 2012, 6:29 PM GMTI look forward to eating one of these new test tube burgers with relish. I'll be darned if I'm going to eat one without it.
Liked this.
Quote: amarsandhu @ February 23 2012, 6:48 PM GMTI know Twickenham Studios is closing in June but it'll probably be July once they've done all the adverts and trailers and stuff.
(Yorkshire accent) I'm glad that old naked rambler has been fined for ruining the West Yorkshire landscape. It's an absolutely appalling, disgusting sight and not one that needs to be further ruined by some naked bloke.
I like the thinking in the top one but it's not funny enough.
I am officially offended by the West Yorkshire one.
Quote: Steve Sunshine @ February 23 2012, 7:36 PM GMTOf course I'm very worried about a potential hosepipe ban. In these difficult times it's going to make it impossible for me to siphon Petrol from my neighbours car.
High street sales are up are they , Who cares Most of us hard working people can't even afford to buy a High street.
Both good.
Quote: Timbo @ February 23 2012, 9:56 PM GMTIn our report on artificial intelligence, the computer that had a higher IQ than ninety-six per cent of the Newsjack audience was not, as our reporter implied, the Amstrad PCW 8256.
Funny, but they generally don't dig at the audience like that.
Quote: sootyj @ February 23 2012, 10:58 PM GMTHeston Blumenthal's plan to grow a burger from stem cells is not dangerous. Was the response from the burger yesterday.
Good.
Quote: Big Jack @ February 24 2012, 12:25 AM GMT(2)50,000 immigrants got into the UK when the checks were stopped. What have we got against the Czechs?
(5)The film "Titanic" is being re-issued in 3D - technology is so advanced now that they have been able to add two dimensions to the original.
Like these.
Quote: DeathbyMonkey @ February 24 2012, 12:00 PM GMTI read in a survey that public flashers are on the rise. Last week I saw one poll, who showed me his penis.
Capello has quit his England role after Terry was stripped of the captaincy. Who has ever heard of an Italian leaving a sinking ship without a captain?
Like these also
Quote: Frantically @ February 24 2012, 10:12 PM GMTCALLER:Global world recession, Falklands war looming, nuclear arms race kicking off...god, I hate these 80's revivals.
Good too.
Quote: Badge @ February 25 2012, 2:26 PM GMTOur hospital porter William used to be known as "NHS Bill". Nobody liked him either.
I liked this one.
My ones are below if anyone cares. No-one at the BBC did...
MAN:
Did you know four out of five drivers have been led astray by their satnavs? I can't believe anyone could put so much trust in a device that (SATNAV VOICE: At the next word, perform a change of opinion) unquestionably knows exactly what it's doing.
JACKAPP:
I haven't seen tits out on a Sunday for... well, since they went to get themselves a copy of the News of the World...
JACKAPP:
So, this time next year our burgers will be grown in test tubes, will they? Well, you can call me ultra-PC if you like, but anything that shape is officially a sausage.
IDIOT:
I think it's wrong to blame the FA for homophobia; 50% of games are played away.
JACKAPP:
Like the rest of the British public, I'm bored with social media. In fact, I've done nothing but tweet about that.
JACKAPP:
Typical: one minute there is new evidence about Lord Lucan's disappearance, the next it's vanished.
JACKAPP:
I think it's a disgrace that a Sheikh left a hotel owing half a million pounds. He only took a tiny Toblerone from the minibar.
JACKAPP:
A male cow was sold for a world-record £126,000. That is literally the biggest load of bull I have ever heard.
JACKAPP:
Half of NASA's moon rock has gone missing. I'm not surprised -- it's much tastier than Blackpool's.
JACKAPP:
Unnecessary aggression, foul language, abuse -- the prison system will have to be careful Gordon Ramsey doesn't bring the tone down.
THUG:
I don't agree dolphins and whales are intelligent enough to be officially recognised as 'non-human persons'. I mean, why should they immediately outrank me?
JACKAPP:
The Met Office say they need brand new supercomputers for more accurate weather forecasts. No doubt tomorrow that'll turn out to be completely wrong.
JACKAPP:
The only way I can see out of this financial crisis, is to wrap the Eurozone in Greece-proof paper.
Dan
Quote: swerytd @ February 27 2012, 10:11 AM GMTJACKAPP:
The only way I can see out of this financial crisis, is to wrap the Eurozone in Greece-proof paper.
I'm surprised this one didn't get used.
They can be funny about puns, but that ones a corker!