British Comedy Guide

NJ Lord Lucan's Diary

JUSTIN:Following claims that Lord Lucan was alive and living in Africa as late as 2000, it has emerged that his diary has fallen into the hands of a Sunday newspaper. Newsjack were leaked these extracts.

LUCAN:November 24th 1973. So this is it then, darkest Africa. Never to see Blighty no more. Bloody good show of Jimmy Goldsmith and Johnny Aspinall to whisk me away like this. Aspers has asked if I while I am out here I can pick up some big cats. Nice chat with German chap in the room across the way. Martin he says his name is. Used to be something in politics. Been out here since forty-five. Wonder if Veronica has had any luck with a new nanny. Bloody difficult finding good help.

November 21st 1974. Chap turned up at midnight looking like a drowned rat. Stonehouse I think he said his name was. Says he is lying low on his way to Oz. Advised against, nosy buggers the ockers, but he wouldn't listen. Aspers has asked to hold off on sending more cats. Says the last lot are eating him out of house and keepers.

August 14th 1975. Horrible vulgar American chap has moved in next door. Claims to be hiding from the mob. Asked who his people were and he said the Teamsters. Can't say I know the family. Aspers says thanks for the latest batch of cats, but do I know where he can get some more keepers?

December 18th 1979. Amazing day. Asper's bit of totty had arranged for my beautiful children to fly out so that I might watch them from afar. Had a good butchers through the rifle sight, then brought them down with Aspers' trank darts for the cats. So I could bloody look at them properly. Damned fine kids and a good bag. George weighed in at 140 pound. Feeling melancholy in the evening, but Martin's old chum Adolf dropped by. The stories those two can tell! How we laughed.

February 17th 1983. Talked politics with Martin. Has some pretty rum views if I am honest. Nothing like as extreme as Sir Jimmy's mind. In the afternoon went out for a ride on Shergar.

November 9th 1989. Berlin Wall came down. Martin is ever so excited. Keeps saying, "not long now, not long now." Played cards with Elvis.

February 25th 1995. Jimmy says he is founding a political party to free Britain from the pinko Thatcherites. Martin was dead keen and wanted to help with the manifesto, but seemed to go right off the idea after I let drop Jimmy was of the chosen persuasion. Young Welsh lad has started downstairs in the kitchen. Some sort of fiery kerbside evangelist apparently. Don't seem the type. Richey something or other.

May 1st 1997. Big day today. Jimmy says once his Referendum Party are swept to power I can come back, all forgiven. Asked if on return whether I could bring with me a couple of super little chaps who came out here from New Mexico, place called Roswell.

END

Brave attempt to spin an existing format, especially one that works well.

I like the idea of all the conspiracies popping up but it lacks the spine of a story, perhaps? Something that starts on the first day and is wrapped up on the last entry.

Otherwise good and funny.

Dan

Thanks, yes it lacks a bit of throughline. Also it was not until I saw it in this format that I realised quite how wordy it was! It needed trimming down methinks.

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