PC IVOR TRUNCHEON IS GETTING A DRESSING DOWN FROM CHIEF INSPECTOR AMY THINGYASAY
FX BABY GURGLING THROUGH OUT SKETCH
AMY
Please don't mind the baby, I couldn't find a baby sitter. PC Ivor Truncheon could you tell me about the arrest you made last week for dangerous driving?
IVOR
Am I getting a medal for bravery? The hooligan was driving a 4 wheel drive vehicle right down the middle of a busy shopping street.
AMY
You would be getting a medal. If it wasn't a pram and rather than being driven erratically it was being pushed by a mother. Who pursued you for a whole mile screaming.
IVOR
I miss the days when the public helped us hard working coppers and didn't smack us in the face with breast pumps.
AMY
PC Truncheon these 12 arrests for drunken and disorderly?
IVOR
The little bastards couldn't stand mam. Crawling all over the place puking up and wailing.
AMY
It was a mother and baby group you nincompoop!
IVOR
It was horrible mam 3 of the bastards had dirty protests.
AMY
In their nappies for goodness sakes. PC Ivor Truncheon why is it you have arrested 37 babies, toddlers and neonates?
IVOR
I'm terrible at guessing ages mam. I mean they train us in cultural sensitivity not in baby awareness.
AMY
Fine PC Truncheon are you doing anything to improve your sensitivity towards babies?
IVOR
I have mam.
AMY
What?
IVOR
Put bells on my truncheon. Take that you little sod!
fx SOUND OF TRUNCHEON THWACKING, BELLS RATTLING AND BABY STOPPING CRYING.
