Feedback on Tabloid Pilot Script in Progress

SECOND DRAFT (12 PAGES) (5 JUNE 2012) http://www.garryjlee.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Smear-2nd-Draft-COMPLETE.pdf

FINISHED FIRST DRAFT (26 PAGES) (13 APRIL 2012) http://www.garryjlee.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Smear-Pilot-Complete-First-Draft.pdf

SCRIPT EXTRACT (4 PAGES) http://www.garryjlee.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Smear-Extract-1.pdf

I've got a script I've been working on that could do with some feedback. I'm curious to see what you think of the concept of the show, and the quality of the writing. All feedback is greatly welcomed.

PREMISE:
"Linda, a young, innocent English female journalist has to take the
first newspaper job she can find in the recession, which ends up
being at a mean-spirited local Scottish tabloid. The series
follows her attempt to make it big in journalism, despite her only
success coming from writing the kind of horrid smear pieces that
don't sit well with her conscience"

I can't do 17 pages my lovely.

I can do 17 inches though!

Point well made Charley.

I've added a script extract to the first post, at 4 pages for those that don't have the time to go through the whole thing.

It's split into a few different scenes with a line of dots between each one, so it's easy to dip in and out of.

That's better!
Very nicely written and made me chuckle a few times. Love the accents and how many P's.

That's very kind of you thanks!

Anyone else want to give this a read? I'd greatly appreciate it.

I liked the overall feel and subject. I reckon Linda is a solid character with a clear at-odds/sell out conflict thing going on. I would worry though, in light of all the rush jobs dealing with that world after the Murdoch thing that the topic is seen as somehow a result of that (even though it's clearly influenced by whatever you've thought doing writing etc your heart may've not fully been into)

The "Colour-co-ordination"...
"No... 'Craig'"
"how many p's?"....

Were all genuine laugh out moments for me and the 17pages flew by. I would probably double up on the sarcastic interplay between the staff because it's funny, and allows the subtler comedy to play out.

(Minor thing you prob already know; With formatting on MSWord, If you don't have final draft etc, rather than use center on the dialogue, select it then bring in the margins, then leave the direction full margins...
it's a pain to do manually, but neccassary, and give parenthesis their own line and keep locations to the left.)

I'm so glad that you enjoyed it. I agree that the topic might be an issue because of the whole scandal surrounding tabloids of the moment, but it's an idea I'd like to press on with anyway.

I'm going to take your advice on the interplay too. Those parts are the most fun to write.

I'm going to fix the formatting on the next draft, thanks for reminding me.

I've just added a new draft of the script (and updated the link in the first post).
Feedback would be really helpful.

http://www.garryjlee.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Smear-Pilot-Local-MP-by-Garry-Lee.pdf

Hi Garry I can do 17 pages (I did), I can't do 17 inches (not even close). I genuinely thought this was great, one of the best things on Critique. I really liked the Scot Witness and Craig on the complaints phone. But the best joke for me had to be the van for sale one. Really good script man, so much better then the Austrialen one about celebrity journalism called Lowdown, if that can get made this definatly should.

The only negative things I would say is the narration at start is not needed and I think you could show what is said through the story more rather then having it explained as a quick "cheap" narration. Also I think it's incredibly fast paced for a show of that type and maybe more dialogue should be added to some scenes.

But overaul very good, I will make sure to read final draft. Well done Dayman.

Jowan, thank you so much for reading it. I'm glad that you enjoyed it, as this is the first thing I've written, and I'm really learning as I go here.

I agree with your feedback, I should bin the narration at the beginning, as it is such a lazy crutch and a shortcut that could be cured with good writing, and the idea for a good starting point.

I'm also going to try and extend some of the scenes (like you'd said), I'm currently doing that in fact with the next draft. I'm trying to beef things up a bit as I move closer to getting the first episode around the 30 minute mark.

I think that it's amazing that any stranger would take the time to read a work in progress and offer feedback, so really, thank you for doing that.

I think the script would be stronger if you beefed up the plot a bit more by adding in a few more twists and turns to the main arc along the way to the MP's conference. It started to feel a bit repetitive in the way that all the comedy comes from your main character covering a story - i.e. she gets given a story that's difficult, but she manages to get some copy in. Then she does it again. And again. Law of diminishing returns says this will get less and less funny and detract from your main set piece which of the MPs press conference. After all, there are loads of other things that happen at work other than just work!

I'd also cut out the swearing. Saying 'f**k' every other line means it has less impact (and humour) every time it's uttered. I've always thought the best comedy doesn't really need to swear to get its point across. Although the occasional well-placed expletive can be really powerful (eg David Brent telling Finchy to f**k off in the Christmas special).

Just my opinion, and I don't have sitcom commission to my name,so really what do I know...

Good luck with your project!

Quote: Bleurgh @ April 12 2012, 4:01 PM BST

I think the script would be stronger if you beefed up the plot a bit more by adding in a few more twists and turns to the main arc along the way to the MP's conference...After all, there are loads of other things that happen at work other than just work!

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Yes, I agree with you on this part. In the next draft (the first full draft) there are more twists and turns, and the main story is something that needs work.

Quote: Bleurgh @ April 12 2012, 4:01 PM BST

I'd also cut out the swearing. Saying 'f**k' every other line means it has less impact (and humour) every time it's uttered. I've always thought the best comedy doesn't really need to swear to get its point across. Although the occasional well-placed expletive can be really powerful (eg David Brent telling Finchy to f**k off in the Christmas special).

View original

This is where we disagree slightly though. I need to rework some of the lines a bit, but there will be characters that never swear, and ones, like Tom, that swear constantly. I really like the rhythm of swearing with a Scottish voice, and I find for a character like that, it's quite true to life.

I hadn't intended for the swearing to come across in a powerful way, so if it is, I'll need to take a second look once I complete this draft. So rather than cutting down on the swearing completely, maybe I just need to get a bit more creative with the range of swearing displayed in the script.

Your feedback has been very helpful Bleurgh, thank you!

Okay, I'd like to say thank you to everyone that read the initial drafts. I've taken a lot of your feedback on board for preparing the first full draft of the script.

I've added more sarcastic interplay (like JackDaniels2 said), the narration is gone and the dialogue is beefed up in scenes (thanks Jowan), and there have been alterations/extensions to the main arc - Linda's story - (thanks Bleurgh). The formatting has also been all fixed up since I invested in some screenwriting software.

So here it is: http://www.garryjlee.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Smear-Pilot-Complete-First-Draft.pdf

Well Garry its great that you took everyones advice on board and its payed off. There are more gags now and the gags are funnier. The betting game was good and that was new right? Having Linda talk to Claire is a more sophisticated way of getting Linda's position across, the Claire-Linda subtle rivarly could also lead to more story arcs aswell. Also what I forgot to mention last time is that there is such demand for a comedy with a strong female lead like this.

The swearing for me works really well and is a large part of the comedy and is realisitic. The working enviroment in those places people would swear more,(Even though irnonically they are selling 'paper' like in the office).

But a great improvement, and after reading it through a second time I enjoyed it even more and I feel like I fully understand and know alot more about the characters. Do you have any actors in mind?

Quote: Jowan Mounsey @ April 13 2012, 7:17 PM BST

Well Garry its great that you took everyones advice on board and its payed off.

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Thank you for re-reading the first final draft. Everyone here gave great advice that really made me open my eyes to all of these new possibilities.

Quote: Jowan Mounsey @ April 13 2012, 7:17 PM BST

There are more gags now and the gags are funnier. The betting game was good and that was new right?

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Yeah, that part was new.

Quote: Jowan Mounsey @ April 13 2012, 7:17 PM BST

Having Linda talk to Claire is a more sophisticated way of getting Linda's position across, the Claire-Linda subtle rivarly could also lead to more story arcs aswell. Also what I forgot to mention last time is that there is such demand for a comedy with a strong female lead like this.

View original

I agree. She needed to have someone outside of her workplace that she could communicate with, and I like the contrast of Claire (not working hard, in the perfect job, not well-known yet) to Linda (worked hard, not in the perfect job, about to become famous). It gives Linda something to be jealous of while getting part of what she wants. It's much better than having a narration do all of that work.

I've also had that demand in the back of my mind since starting the script, because even if it doesn't get made, I wanted to write something saleable. Having a strong female lead just seemed like an additional plus point in its favour if the general idea was liked.

Quote: Jowan Mounsey @ April 13 2012, 7:17 PM BST

The swearing for me works really well and is a large part of the comedy and is realisitic. The working enviroment in those places people would swear more,(Even though irnonically they are selling 'paper' like in the office).

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I'm glad that you thought so. I've tried to fix it so you have characters that wouldn't ever think to swear, to balance things out a bit.

Quote: Jowan Mounsey @ April 13 2012, 7:17 PM BST

But a great improvement, and after reading it through a second time I enjoyed it even more and I feel like I fully understand and know alot more about the characters. Do you have any actors in mind?

View original

I'm glad that a second read improved it for you, that's exactly what I'm shooting for. I haven't really spent a lot of time thinking about specific actors, but I'd imagine someone like Sally Bretton (Not Going Out, Green Wing) would be a good fit for Linda.