Skit Comp 10 - 17.2.12

Much more fun this wank so congratulations to ISHY for winning. Get ludicrously yet legitimately poo-faced and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Points - Votes - Name

10 - 5 - Ishy
5 - 3 - Craig H, Shandonbelle, Shirl the Whirl (Mr Whirl, I'm taking Garry Lee's comment as a vote)
Speckled mention: 404 Not found, Gappy (welcome)

Your new subject: MEN (chosen by me)

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except the bastard who never paid me (you know who you are).
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 17.2.12

Overall Leader Board is now:

Position - Points - Name
1 - 5 - Ishy
2 - 3 - Craig H, Shandonbelle, Shirl the Whirl

PS Check out the hall of fame in the thread called, um, Hall of Fame.

MISS DE MEANER

A TEA ROOM.
Two SWEET ELDERLY LADIES conversing over tea and biscuits:

FIRST LADY The thing is Darcy dear, I'm awfully dissatisfied with my partner these days.

SECOND LADY Alas Deirdre, what aspect ails you?

FIRST The white pubic hairs.

SECOND I'm afraid many senior citizens sprout whities...

FIRST Yerse but not out of their ears.

SECOND Eeeewww.

FIRST And the sink in the bedroom. Used as a toilet...

SECOND Another classic I fear.

FIRST When the dishes are still in there.

SECOND One must forgive these urges.

FIRST Also the wiping of the bottom afterwards?

SECOND Ooooh.

FIRST Then there's the green fingers.

SECOND Taken up horticulture? How charming.

FIRST No, the only digging's nasal.

SECOND This is simply atrocious dear! Alack, there's nothing else for it.

FIRST You're right. I MUST leave her.

SHE: What are you doing with that stuff?

HE: Building a cave.

SHE: You can't build a cave. Caves are formed in a slow geological process, you don't make them out of Kronenbourg and back issues of Practical Photography.

HE: Would you mind moving your foot, please?

SHE: Tell me why you're piling detritus in here.

HE: I told you, it's my cave. And you don't belong in it.

SHE: But it's not a cave!

HE: It's a metaphor.

SHE: Go on.

HE: It's a man cave.

SHE: Which means?

HE: Well, obviously...there's a man in a cave. And he's chained up...and he sees these shadows on the...err...look, it's a bloody man cave, that means you can't come in, right? It's my sanctuary of maleness.

SHE: Did you read this in some crappy pop psychology book?

HE: No!

SHE: Did you overhear someone on the bus who'd read it in some crappy pop psychology book?

HE: [Embarrassed pause] No female trickery in the cave. Piss off.

SHE: But this is supposed to be a bedroom.

HE: And now it's not. It's a masculine retreat from the gynocratic imperative, right? Look, you can have one too, I'm not unfair. You could turn the utility room into a...vag palace.

SHE: OK, this has gone far enough. There is no way you're turning a room in this house into your man cave!

HE: And why not?

SHE: Because we don't even own it yet.

ESTATE AGENT: So, this is the second bedroom, folks. Seems as though you're getting a feel for it. Shall we take a look at the bathroom?

HE: The hot tap's mine!

Having been sat in the garden of Eden for ten minutes Adam and Eve are sat on the grass getting know each other. It's a beautiful sunny day...as you'd expect.

Eve: So what do you do?

Adam: Oh I just got here, I'll probably just relax a bit first, see what's on offer.

Eve: Same here.

Adam: Hmmm. Weathers holding out.

Eve: I'm a bit nippy actually.

Adam shakes his head in confusion.

Adam:Cold? How can you be....?

Eve shrugs

Adam: Well, at least he gave you three leaves. I only got one.

He peers underneath his leaf.

Adam: I could do with a bigger one if I'm honest. What you got underneath yours?

She lifts a leaf to reveal her right breast.

Adam (inquisitive):
Do you mind if I....

He pokes the breast.

Adam:It's er...nice, what's it for?

Eve:God knows. I've got another one here.

Reveals left breast from beneath it's leaf.

Adam: Hmmm,Two? Well you should ask him.

A brief silence.

Adam: Ummm, so what've you got under there?

He points to the leaf between her legs

Eve shrugs and lifts the leaf

Adam: Ha! Well at least mines bigger than that!

Detective Colombo is in the living room of a sprawling house in Los Angeles.

Colombo
I won't take up too much of your time...so Tuesday night 7pm, you say you were watching TV?

Interviewee
That's right Detective, I was right here in this very spot watching Bonanza, minding my own business.

Colombo
Did ya hear anything, any noises? I'm a Bonanza fan too by the way...watch it all the time, must be a man thing hey?

Interviewee
Sure is Detective, reminds me of home, out on the range, hiding on big Tom in the haystacks...

Colombo
He ain't caught up with ya yet hey? (Smiles) so any noises, anything unusual that night?

Interviewee
Just the usual scratching...but that's nothin' new round here...I ain't afraid of that no more...I'm getting on a bit now see..

Colombo
Hmmm, see back at the office we got a report of a missing woman, she ain't been seen since Tuesday... (Narrows eyes) 7pm... and you were the only one in the house at the time.

Interviewee
I can explain that Detective...she went to Hawaii on vacation, she left a note see (hands Colombo a piece of paper)

Colombo
This here is a TV schedule.

Interviewee
Yeah Detective, she likes to make sure I don't miss anything see...

Colombo
So ya can't do your own TV scheduling...what are ya, a man or a mouse?

Interviewee (looks himself up and down)
Em. I'm Jerry, Detective Inspector Colombo, a mouse....you seen me yeah, on TV?

Colombo (moves closer and squints)
So you are. (turns and walks away, then turns back)
Just one more thing....

Jerry
Yes Detective.

Colombo
You eatin' that piece a cheese?

A well dressed man in a new looking suit is staggering down a street. He is holding a bottle in a brown paper bag.

He staggers into a bicycle shop and walks up to the counter where another man is looking down at a book and writing something down.

The man in the suit says nothing. He rocks back and forth in an effort to keep his balance and waits for the man behind the counter to finish doing what he is doing.

The Shopkeeper (whilst still looking down): I will be with you in a second, sorry for the wait.

The man in the suit nods his head and takes another swig from the bottle.

The shopkeeper finishes writing, closes the book and looks up.

Shopkeeper: I don't believe it! Nigel, how the hell are you? Do you remember me? Its Steve, we were best mates in school. I thought you had left the country?

Nigel takes a few seconds to focus and recognise his long lost friend.

Nigel: Steve. Its so good to see you...

Nigel breaksdown and starts crying. He leans onto the counter and buries his head in his arms, weeping loudly.

Steve calls over another member of staff and takes Nigel out to the back of the shop and lights two cigarettes, he hands one to Steve who accepts with a pathetic looking smile.

Steve: C'mon mate, whats wrong? You can tell me. Its better out than in...

Nigel: I think my relationship of ten good years has come to an end. She was the perfect woman for me. We never argued. I could watch whatever I wanted on TV. She didn't complain about my small penis and she let me f**k her up the arse whenever I wanted. She had the body of a model and was the most understanding woman I have ever gone out with.

Steve looks shocked, almost lost for words...

Steve: Erm, I don't know what to say. I wish I had some advice. She sounds like a rare breed indeed. I'm here for you buddy, if I can help in any way, all you gotta do is ask.

Nigel wipes away some tears and then uses his sleeve to wipe his nose (this leaves a long white smear of snot on his suit). He takes a long pull on his cigarette and looks at Steve:

"How much are your puncture repair kits?"

'How to Catch Your Man and Keep Him'! 'A womens Dream' 'Hiya' ...read on and you will purchase MY Secrets girls!....

You need to trigger attention.

'Try breast 'chicken fillets'inserts, if they work great,if not interested you can invite him back for supper and 'Stella'. Just cover over them with curry sauce, that usually is successful' (add poppadums for extra thrill)
Keep skirt short, thigh boots or stockings, please do not allow traces of your elastic body-firmer or buttock inserts to slip!.

Keep the interest going.

'If you ensnare your man, keep him interested, not too difficult' Always;

1. He must have complete control; Of the TV handset.
2. He must be stimulated; Try stripping off when 'Match of the Day' is on.
3. He be able to listen to 5 Live Sport radio during sex.

Reasons He will commit.

1. Oral sex, speak dirty, but NOT infront of his pals.
2. Washing clean/ironed socks paired up.
3. Beer kept at the mean temperature, depending on weather consultations.

Prolonging the relationship.

1. Never become complacent; Try warming up the car defrosting windows/ clearing snow.
2. Let him rest/relax- sleep in spare box-room.
3. Actively encourage porn, buy him a couple of mags' like 'Top-Gear'.

Ladies follow my trusty steps and you willhave a wonderful relationship with
your man.

Cheques £200 to 'Dream-On' Corporation, Sleepy Hollow, Fakenham. 2fk.Uoff.

Tel: 07951.696969. Hotty.mail'drieduphags'

QUIZSHOW.

QUIZMASTER:
Good man Tony take a seat. Your first question,name a man?

TONY:
John.

QUIZ:
Give me the name of a man.

TONY:
Stephen.

QUIZ:
For a point mention a name that would belong to a man.

TONY:
Eric.

QUIZ:
Tony, can you tell me a man's name.

TONY:
Cluh.

QUIZ:
Throughout history there have been billions of men; name one.

TONY:
Pass.

QUIZ:
Someone is a man, can you name him.

TONY:
Sussssss...

QUIZ:
You got 3 out of 6 there Tony in your specialist round, 'the names of men'. Cluh and Susssss are not names and you passed on the throughout history question.

Next up we have Alan Quirke and your specialist round is: 'confusing questions on the height of men'.

George Clooney is 5 foot 11 but who is not 5-11 and that's if Clooney is even that height to begin with?

ALAN:
Peter Ustinov.

QUIZ:
Some men are the heights of each other, what happens if they live in different timezones?

ALAN:
Ah..they remain a similar height.

QUIZ:
You will now hear an audio clip a question may follow....

AUDIO OF THE WHEEL OF A BIKE.

QUIZ:
No, no question follows that. Here's another audio.

AUDIO OF MAN1:
But the biscuit was stuck to the leg of the table.

AUDIO OF MAN2:
Pik pik pik boing buk baaka baaasp, but I didn't agree.

QUIZ:
Tell me the heights of both men.

ALAN:
5 foot 7 and 4 foot 19 or 5 foot 7 again for people who don't like the way I just said it.

QUIZ:
Niall Bridges was 5 foot 8 when an accident left him permanently on tippy toes, what height is he now?

ALAN:
5 foot 4.

QUIZ:
Lillian John has a man's first name as her surname, based on that fact what height is she?

ALAN:
No such thing.

QUIZ:
If a man has the same number for his height as his weight what's wrong with him?

ALAN:
Sore...no broken...broken...twisted...sprained nose..yes sprained nasally.

QUIZ:
You've got 2 out of 6 there, Tony got 3 so it's a draw. Well done to neither of you. Goodnight!

END.

Indecently close between Michael Monkhouse and Gappy, but going for Gappy. Loved the man cave thing.

I vote for Michael, I'm always impressed at how many jonkes he can squeeze into a tiny scene.

Between gappy and Otterfox for me this week but liked the quick fire quiz so I'm going for Otterfox.

Between steviehaich and shandonbelle but shandonbelles ending was very nice so my vote goes to her. It was strange but clicked nicely.

grate, results coming...