1
LORD VOLDERMORT WALKS ON STAGE
VO
Lord Voldemort why should you be captain of England?
LORD VOLDEMORT
I can command an army of greedy, selfish criminals to obey my every command.
I don't have a nose so no coke scandals and I don't have a cock so no sex scandals.
And FIFA have just offered me a place on their board.
VO
Any hobbies?
LORD VOLDEMORT
Killing all the impure mud bloods!
VO
Next.
2
JORDAN WALKS ON STAGE
VO
Jordan why should you be the next England captain?
JORDAN
I can control 5 men in my box.
I know all about dribbling on balls.
And you could use my orange boobies instead of half time oranges.
VO
Have you ever been a racist?
JORDAN
Nah I live with a black bastard.
VO
Next!