The art buyer

BUYER: No, no, no, nothing is really grabbing me.

DEALER: I am afraid that's all the gallery's latest acquisitions.

BUYER: What about this piece?

DEALER: Ah, yes, for his latest work Damien has pickled... a... cucumber.

EMPLOYEE: Here, that's my lunch...Ow.

DEALER: I am sure you will recognise that it represents a significant conceptual departure, going beyond cross-section to explore the plastic possibilities of the... um... crinkle cut.

BUYER: Yes, yes, a powerful comment I am sure, but is it cutting edge?! Now, what is it we have through here?

EMPLOYEE: The gent...

DEALER: A side gallery, for our more discerning gentlemen.

BUYER: Ah this is more like it! But, just a little derivative don't you think of Marcel Duchamp? Though the cigarette butt does lend a contemporary relevance...

DEALER: (ASIDE) Darren for f**k's sake you'll set off the fire alarms.

BUYER: But you're hiding something from me aren't you? My connoisseur's nose is telling me.

EMPLOYEE: I'll open the window.

BUYER: My God!

EMPLOYEE: Yeah sorry about that, I forgot to flu...

BUYER: It's magnificent! An entirely organic work of art! A pure expression of the artist's gut instinct, unmediated through any intellectual construct. And the cleverness of the framing device - the facile bourgeois purity of the ovoid white porcelain. Ah the artist has signed it. Is that Shanks?

DEALER: Yes, Armitage is at the forefront of young British artists.

BUYER: Well of course; in a single creative expulsion he has encapsulated the whole ethos of modern British Art. I must have it!

DEALER: Shall we say ... two million?

BUYER: A steal. Have it sent to my offices. Now I must be going, the Arts Council does not run itself.

DEALER: Bye. (TO EMPLOYEE) I hope you're getting plenty of roughage, only at two we've got Charles Saatchi in for a viewing.

END.

Loved this, particularly, "Yes, Armitage is at the forefront of young British artists."

Excellent

Thanks; not sure I have quite nailed this one, but nice to know it is not a dud.

Hey Timbo

You can definitely write good sketches. Not sure about this one though. Few points:

-I don't think you give the reader/audience enough information at the start. You go from the buyer and dealer to a cucumber and the employee too quickly. It's a bit of a shock. (I'm assuming this is a radio sketch)

- The whole modern-art-is-nonsense theme has been done many, many times.

-The cigarette bit doesn't seem to add anything.

My thoughts anyway.

IWB

I've perpetrated more than one sketch on modern art myself; despite being beyond satire, it remains viable as a source of humour if you can find an original angle, but otherwise valid criticism.

I still quite like the turd premise and the out line, but the sketch doesn't hang together. I think in essence it is probably a reveal gag which is not strong enough to stand alone but which also does not sustain an extended treatment - too much business before the reveal and the gag loses its impact, but after the reveal there is nowhere much to go.

I agree with Timbo.

The problem with this sketch is nothing to do with skill but merely with the idea of an everyday object being mistaken for 'modern art'. It's stale. The art world is unfortunately beyond satire.