THE BSG COMEDY COMPETITION 08/07

Hello and welcome to the latest comedy competition.

Last weeks: https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/2249

Anyway, lets get on with this weeks comp and this weeks winner.

This winner is: Michael Monkhouse! Well done!! (PM me your chosen topic for next week)

Points - Name
04 - Michael Monkhouse
01 - charley rance
01 - David Chapman
01 - EllieJP
01 - Jude

This weeks topic was chosen by Jude.

This weeks topic is: Holes

Rules:

• One entry per person.
• Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
• Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
• You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: Monday 16th July

Good luck!

Overall Leader Board

Points - Name
10 - Charley Rance
10 - David Chapman
10 - Leevil
10 - Swerytd
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
05 - Michael Monkhouse
05 - Greggles
05 - Jude
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
03 - Stylo
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
01 - EllieJP
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz

Spot any mistakes? PM Me.

Note: New points system for next week. Because the leader board is going to get ridiculously big)

1st place: 10 points
2nd place: 05 points
3rd place: 01 points

Opinions please.

THE HOLE

INT. LABORATORY - DAY

A TALL, MIDDLE AGED MAN GARBED IN A LAB COAT LEADS A SHORTER, YOUNGER MAN IN PLAINS CLOTHES THROUGH THE SWISHY AUTOMATIC DOORS AND INTO THE HIGH TECH LOOKING LABORATORY.

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON
You're a very brave man, submitting yourself to testing like this. Few have the guts to follow through with it.

GARRY
Ah, in a bit of a tight spot money wise. Figure a few shots to the arm and a couple of pills are worth the money.

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON
Oh, this isn't a drug trial.

GARRY
Yeah? What is it then Professor Futuremotron?

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON
Well it's something much more important than that. You see, we're faced with quite a mystery here. It involves this hole.

THE TWO MEN STOP IN THE CENTER OF THE LAB WHERE IN FRONT OF THEM LIES A LARGE, PERFECTLY CIRCULAR HOLE IN THE FLOOR. THE BOTTOM IS OBSCURED BY THE PITCH DARKNESS. EXTREMELY FAINT MOANS AND CRIES OF ANGUISH CAN BE HEARD IN THE DISTANCE.

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON (CONT'D)
This hole here. What is it? How did it get here? Why is it here? Etc, etc. These are the questions we're faced with here. Questions that you are hopefully going to help answer. Professor Flashyfuturelight!

A SHORT BALD MAN WEARING A WHITE LAB COAT POPS UP FROM BEHIND A DESK.

PROFESSOR FLASHYFUTURELIGHT
Yes Harold?

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON
Fill in our subject here on the origins of Mysterious Strange Hole Number 12.

PROFESSOR FLASHYFUTURELIGHT
Righto.

PROFESSOR FLASHYFUTURELIGHT WALKS OVER TO GARRY HOLDING A PEN IN HIS OUTSTRETCHED HAND. HE STOPS JUST SHORT OF THE HOLE.

PROFESSOR FLASHYFUTURELIGHT (CONT'D)
Observe.

PROFESSOR FLASHFUTURELIGHT DROPS THE PEN INTO THE HOLE AND THEN STANDS LEANING OVER THE HOLE WITH A HAND TO HIS EAR.

GARRY
What are you do//

PROFESSOR FLASHYFUTURELIGHT
Shhh!

THEY ALL STAND IN SILENCE FOR A FEW MOMENTS.

PROFESSOR FLASHYFUTURELIGHT (CONT'D)
Hear that?

GARRY
No.

PROFESSOR FLASHYFUTURELIGHT
Exactly! Why didn't we hear the pen land? Furthermore, what's at the bottom of this hole?

GARRY
I dunno. Doesn't sound good though.

PROFESSOR FLASHYFUTURELIGHT
It doesn't does it? Sure it'll be OK when you go down there though.

GARRY
Wait. What? You want me to go down there?

PROFESSOR FLASHYFUTURELIGHT
Yessum

GARRY
F**k that mate. Go down yourself.

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON
We were going to after we sent Massie, our lab's mascot down. (SHOUTING) How you doin' Massie?

A DOG'S DISTRESSED YELPING CAN BE HEARD FROM THE HOLE.

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON (CONT'D)
Thataboy. Anyway, we were going to go down there, but we figured. 'Hey, our work is pretty important y'know? And we've got some spare cash, why not pay someone else to do it?'. Hence, you.

GARRY
So what, this thing just mysteriously appeared one day?

PROFESSOR FLASHYFUTURELIGHT
Oh, it didn't just appear. It was there when we got here. We bought this lab from our old school chum Dr. Menace. Remember old Menace Harold

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON STARTS TO CHUCKLE.

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON
How could I forget! Always 'The world shall pay!" This and "I will have my vengence!" That.

PROFESSOR FLASHYFUTURELIGHT
And always messing around with the portals. Crazy coot put portals all over the place!

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON
You remember his really strange laugh? How did that go again?

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON AND PROFESSOR FLASHYFUTURELIGHT LAUGH MANIACALLY IN UNISON AND THEN BURST OUT IN GENUINE LAUGHTER. FUTUREMOTRON WIPES A TEAR FROM HIS EYE.

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON (CONT'D)
Oh Menace. Wonder what he's up to now?

PROFESSOR FLASHYFUTURELIGHT
Last I heard he was being tried for War crimes. But anyway, we bought this lab from him and that hole came with it.

GARRY
Y'know what fellas? F**k this. Just f**k this to hell. There is no way I'm going down there. Not for all the tea in bloody China.

GARRY GOES TO LEAVE.

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON
We'll pay you a fiver!

GARRY STOPS IN HIS TRACKS

CUT TO:

INT. LABORATORY - DAY

FUTUREMOTRON AND FUTUREFLASHYLIGHT ARE STOOD HOLDING A ROPE BETWEEN THEM THAT LEADS INTO THE HOLE. THEY ARE VERY SLOWLY LOWERING IT.

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON
(SHOUTING)
What do you see Garry?

GARRY'S VOICE IS ALMOST DROWNED OUT BY THE SCREAMS AND WAILING.
GARRY (O.C.)
Nothing yet.

THEY COUNTINUE TO LOWER HIM FURTHER INTO THE HOLE.

GARRY (O.C.) (CONT'D)
Wait! God! OH GOD! Oh it's horrible! It's HORRIBLE!

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON
(SHOUTING)
What is it Garry? What do you see?

GARRY (O.C.)
There's fire all around me and people screaming and I can see Micheal Barrymore and he doesn't look very happy! It's really, really crap! Get me out! GET ME OUT!

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON
(SHOUTING)
Just a little further Garry! For science!

GARRY (O.C.)
I don't care about science or the fiver! Just get me out oh please get me out!

FUTUREFLASHLIGHT'S WATCH STARTS TO BEEP. HE LETS GO OF THE ROPE. THE ROPE WHIZZES THROUGH FUTUREMOTRON'S HANDS AND HE QUICKLY LETS GO. GARRY'S SCREAM BECOMES MORE AND MORE DISTANT AS THE ROPE DISAPPEARS INTO THE HOLE

PROFESSOR FLASHYFUTURELIGHT
Diagnosise Murder is o... Oh.

FUTUREMOTRON SHAKES HIS HEAD.

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON
Tsk. What am I going to do with you?

FUTUREMOTRON LEANS OVER THE HOLE

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON (CONT'D)
(SHOUTING)
Garry? You there?

GARRY (O.C.)
YES! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AH FUCKING HELLFIRE! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON
(SHOUTING)
Yeah? Well don't worry! We're going to go get the test chimp, Mrs. Priscilla and get her to pull you out!

GARRY (O.C.)
A MONKEY?!?!?! A FUCKING MONKEY?!?! GET THE POLICE OR, OR THE FUCKING FIRE BRIGADE OR SOMETHING!

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON
(SHOUTING)
A chimp actually. But don't worry! Mrs. Priscilla is perfectly capable!

CUT TO:

INT. LABORATORY - DAY

FUTUREMOTRON AND FUTUREFLASHYLIGHT ARE STOOD HOLDING A ROPE BETWEEN THEM THAT LEADS INTO THE HOLE. THEY ARE VERY SLOWLY LOWERING IT. A PANICKED CHIMP CAN BE HEARD OFF CAMERA.

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON
(SHOUTING)
Steady Mrs. Priscilla, steady. No! Don't do that! That'll cut the ro//

THE ROPE GOES SLACK AND THE CHIMP'S SCREAMS DISAPPEAR INTO THE DISTANCE. FUTUREMOTRON AND FUTUREFLASHLIGHT STAND IN AWKWARD SILENCE.

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON (CONT'D)
Well I'm fresh out of ideas.

PROFESSOR FLASHYFUTURELIGHT
Still twenties minutes of Diagnosis murder left.

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON
Hmmm. OK then.

PROFESSOR FUTUREMOTRON AND FUTUREFLASHLIGHT WALK OFF.

GARRY (O.C.)
GUYS! I GOT THE MONKEY HERE! IT'S HERE! IT ISN'T HELPING GUYS! IT SMELLS AND IT ISN'T HELPING! GUYS? HELLO? GUYS?!

FADE OUT.

EXT. BAR - NIGHT

A HOT HENCH GUY WITH A COLANDER FOR A HEAD WAITS OUTSIDE A BAR.

A FIT GIRL WITH A TIGHT TOP, TINY SHORTS AND THE FACE OF A FRYING PAN, STOMPS ANGRILY UP TO COLANDER HEAD.

COLANDER HEAD
What`s up?

FRYING PAN FACE
Where were you last night Colander Head?

COLANDER HEAD
Now you`ve got me!

FRYING PAN FACE
Let`s go to the cinema you said, except you didn`t show up!

COLANDER HEAD
Didn`t I? You have to remember Frying Pan Face, I have a head full of holes.

FRYING PAN FACE
That`s just a lousy excuse!

COLANDER HEAD
If you say so.

FRYING PAN FACE
So that`s it?

COLANDER HEAD
Yeah. I overlooked your greasy frying pan face, but clearly you refuse to see through my holes.

FRYING PAN FACE
You`re just like all the rest...

COLANDER HEAD
(interrupts)
...Except for that sexy little dent by my right cheek.

FRYING PAN FACE
Wok off Colander Head!

FRYING PAN FACE STORMS OFF

COLANDER HEAD
Ah, that`s just given me an idea!

LATER THAT NIGHT

INT. BAR - NIGHT

COLANDER HEAD`S AT THE BAR WITH A GORGEOUS YOUNG LADY WITH THE FACE OF A WOK.

COLANDER HEAD
My place it is then. I must warn you though, I have a head full of holes.

WOK FACE
Then you won`t be disappointed.

COLANDER HEAD
Sorry?

WOK FACE
I sizzle in seconds and can only maintain it for a couple of minutes, but wipe me over and I`ll go again and again and again.

STEAM POURS FROM COLANDER HEAD`S HOLES.

COLANDER HEAD
Woah! We`d better get out of here before the condensation kicks in!

HOLE LOTTA FUN

Sharon and Tracy are sitting in the café.

SHARON (shy): Have you got a boyfriend?

TRACY: Of course.

SHARON: And have you - made love?

TRACY: For God's sake it's 2007. We've done EVERYTHING.

SHARON: Can I ask you a question?

TRACY: Anything you like.

SHARON: Has he put it...?

TRACY: Come ON.

SHARON: Has he ever put it in the other hole?

TRACY (splutters): Are you mental? You can get pregnant that way.

Henry
(Shouts) Oiiiiiii! Liza There is a hole in my bucket. I want to wash the car. I need a bucket with no Hole.

Liza
Well go to the hardware shop & buy a new one then Henry.

Henry
(Rooks about in the kitchen) Where are my car keys Liza.

Liza
(Sighs) On top of the microwave, right where you left them Henry.

Henry
(Walks out the front door, returns in 2 minutes) Where is the bloody car Liza.

Liza
(Exasperated) Down the pub. Remember you popped out for 1 beer at 6pm yesterday & staggered home drunk at 1am this morning. Remember Henry.

Henry
So In order to wash my car which is not even here. I have to walk to the pub, to pick up my vehicle. Then go to the store. Get a bucket with no hole. Then come back. Is that what you are saying Liza.

Liza
Yep. That is about right Henry.

Henry
Can you give me a lift in your car, to get my car Liza.

Liza
(Tsk) Nope. I am way too busy Henry.

Henry
I won’t wash my car then. That will teach you. Eh Liza. That will learn you.

Liza
I have no care in the world Henry, as to whether your car is clean or not. Mine is sparkling.

Henry
You will be sorry when the neighbours spot my filthy car Liza. You will be very sorry.

Liza
If the neighbours see your filthy car Henry, how is that a reflection on me. Mine as I said is SPARKLING.

Henry
(Huffs & puffs) I will just fix the hole in the bucket Liza. Then wash my car. It will sparkle far more than yours.

Liza
Okay Henry.

Henry starts looking for something to mend the hole with.

Henry
(Realisation) Liza you cow! What is the point in me mending a hole when there is no car to wash. It is down the friggin pub.

Liza
Hmmmmmmm!

Henry.
I know I will take your car down the pub, pick up mine then wash it I will leave your car right under the tree where the birds who eat red berries poop. You will have red birdie poop all over your car Liza.

Liza
I don’t think so Henry. Why the feck should I have to walk to the pub, to pick up my car, that you left there. In order to pick up your car. Which is only there due to that 1 pint that turned to 10. Then have to bring my car back, re wash it, all so that you can wash yours. Why would I ever agree to that Henry. You are quite mad.

Henry
(Humpy. Starts to stamp his feet & wail) I want to wash the Car. I want to wash it now. I said yesterday that today, was car wash day.

Liza
(Comforting Henry) Right Henry. What lesson have you learned from this.

Henry
(Sobbing) Erm. You can’t wash a car that’s not here nor with a holey bucket Liza.

Liza
No. That’s not it. Why can’t you wash the car Henry. Why is the car not here.

Henry
Because it is at the pub Liza.

Liza
Why is it at the pub Henry.

Henry
(Sulky) Because I stupidly left it there. Its all my fault. I just should have walked to the pub to begin with.

Liza
No that’s still not quite right Henry.

Henry.
I should not have gone to the pub in the first place. Is that right Liza.

Liza
Yes Henry. You should not have gone to the pub in the first place. I think you should steer well clear of pubs from now on Henry. (Smiles, slyly)

BUMP!

FUCK!!! I wrote quite a long one and lost it, I'm pissed off now

SHORT VERSION:

EXT. STREET - DAY

TONY WALKS UP TO A HOLE IN THE FENCE, IT'S A BIT ROUGH AROUND THE EDGES.

HOLETTE
'ello darling. You looking for a good time?

TONY
I dunno you look a bit rough, I might catch something.

HOLETTE
Cheeky bugger, the only thing you might catch is one of the rusty nails.

TONY
I think I'll pass thanks.

TONY MOVES ONTO THE NEXT HOLE.

HOLEY
Oh brother, I'm so glad you showed the Lords strength in the face of temptatio...

TONY MOVES ON.

HOLEY
Brother? (beat) Damn!

TONY REACHES WHAT LOOKS LIKE A SWIRLING VORTEX.

DR. HOLEKINS
(Robotic voice)
Hello Tony. Are you prepared to be sucked through time and space?

TONY
Might be?

DR. HOLEKINS
I am a worm hole. I can make it any dimension you want.

TONY
Do you swallow?

DR. HOLEKINS
All of time.

END

" How to dig yourself into a hole " Lesson 1...The Internet......

Scene One : Middle aged, out of shape, Irish guy, Brendan, still living with his parents within a very religious Catholic family.

Brendan, sitting in front of the computer as his mother and father get their coats on in background, ready to go out for the night.

Father : " OK, We're off now Brendan. Just you be careful on that thing, that world wide web stuff can put temptation in your path son, you know what I mean don't you?."

Brendan : " Oh Da, I'm just looking up stuff about the Holy land ,getting ready for my holiday to Israel next month, see what I can do when I get out there father "

Father ; " Just as long as that's all you look up son, the Devil is at work on some of those sites Brendan, the devil's at work "

Mother :[ in a low voice, standing next to Father ] " The Fecker "

Brendan : "Oh don't worry, I'm not interested in all that stuff, filthy nonsense all of it "

Father : " OK Son well we'll be back later, just you be careful now "

Mother [ in low voice leaving house with father } " He truly is a fecker that Devil isn't he Maurice "

Father: " Eye, he is that Ma "

Camera goes to Brendan's VDU.

You hear him typing away frantically into a search engine, google or something.

The words "Mature Escorts" are typed in. The screen comes up with images of old 1970's Ford escorts.

You hear Brendan sounding frustrated in background.

Next he types in the words "Huge Tits" into the search engine.

The screen shows images of large Blue tit birds.

Again you hear Brendan frustrated in background.

Next he types in ," Hairy Goats ".

The screen comes up with images of particularly hairy nanny goats of the farmyard variety.

Next you hear the front door open

Father : " Brendan, I've come back to get some money son, forgot my wallet didn't I "

You see and hear Brendan desperately trying to get rid of the stuff on his screen. He frantically types in, " Israeli Water sports ".

As his father enters the room an image of a Jewish man wearing a kippah and partaking in an alternative kind of water sport flashes onto the screen.

Father : " Oh son, the devil has found work for idle hands "

Mother [ faintly in background ] : " The Fecker "

HUSBAND : How was it for you?

WIFE : How was what? Oh - you've finished have you? I didn't know you'd started.

HUSBAND : Oh thank you! Look - I don't know if you're having a dig at me - but it's not my fault really is it.

WIFE : What is that supposed to mean?

HUSBAND : Well neither of us are as young as we used to be.

WIFE : Are you saying I'm fat?

HUSBAND : Well you are 42 years old. You're not exactly - shall we say - as fit as you once were.

WIFE : I have had 4 kids.

HUSBAND : It's a shame that cessarians weren't so fashionable then isn't it.

WIFE : Do you think I'd have gone through that - just for you.

HUSBAND : You could've made the effort.

WIFE : So what about you then?

HUSBAND : Well I must admit I've had better.

WIFE : In what way?

HUSBAND : Well around the hole it was a bit floppy.

WIFE : What do you really expect?

MAN : I guess you're right - maybe next time we won't go for the cheap doughnuts.

I see this has dropped off the bottom and needs bumping!

**CLOSED** **CLOSED** **CLOSED** **CLOSED** **CLOSED** **CLOSED** **CLOSED**

Start voting by posting the name of your favourite entry

Voting ends: Wednesday?

Ok it was tough. I was torn between 2.
David Chapman gets it though for his floppy hole.

Mr. Michael Monkhouse

Kent Pete.

I'm very torn between 2 as well. Can I give it to 2? No - that's probably a cop out.

OK - eeny meeny - go on then Charley!

Liked 'em all but I'll vote Charley.