Sketch Comp 31.1 - 7.2.12

Great stuff and congratulations to ME for winning. I shall get ludicrously yet legitimately vole-anussed and PM myself for next week's topic.
Hence:
Points - Votes - Name

4 - 10 - Michael Monkhouse
1 - 5 - Steve Sunshine

Your new subject: DOCTOR'S.
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except the bastard who never paid me (you know who you are).
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 7.2.12

Overall Leader Board is now:

Position - Points - Name
1 - 32 - Shirl the Whirl
2 - 31 - Kasm
3 - 26 - Otterfox
4 - 25 - Shandonbelle
5 - 21 - Michael Monkhouse
6 - 10 - Timbo, Steve Sunshine
7 - 1 - Ishy

PS Check out the hall of fame in the thread called, um, Hall of Fame.

FINGER, PRICK 'N' GOOD

DOCTOR'S STUDIO.
PAUL DANIELS showing his squirty bloody stump of a finger to DOCTOR:

DOCTOR So, what seems to be the problem?

PAUL Look at this ugly bloody stump...

DOCTOR I'm looking at him.

PAUL Not me you dildo - I cut me finger off!

DOCTOR How d'you pick it up?

PAUL I crack the funnies here...

DOCTOR And not just the funnies, it seems.

PAUL F**k off! Look I can't walk around with this repulsive mess protruding out...

DOCTOR Tell that to your shirt collar.

PAUL It doesn't fit and it makes me look a prick.

DOCTOR Tell that to your toupee.

PAUL Help me you tart!

DOCTOR Why don't we sleep on it?

PAUL What, me finger? Debbie normally does that. That's magic!

DOCTOR Well why don't you magic the finger back on? That'd be a cunning example of a stunt.

PAUL I've been called that... Look I need me finger for picking up tarts and things.

DOCTOR Stop talking about Debbie and lay your hand on the table.

PAUL does so.

DOCTOR The other one you cookie runt.

PAUL (does so) I've been called that too... Aren't you going to do a prick-test?

DOCTOR Hardly necessary under the circumstances... Feel any pain?

PAUL No.

DOCTOR takes out a hammer, mashes Paul's hand.

PAUL (screams)

DOCTOR Feel any pain now?

PAUL (whimpers)

DOCTOR Good... You liked that, but not a lot eh? 'Paul Daniels', and that works without the 'dan' now.

PAUL Shut up! You've ruined me fist...

DOCTOR Well you wanted a big hand.

PAUL I can't do me sleight o' hand!

DOCTOR A slight hand, more like.

PAUL (gets up, starts leaving) I'll never work again! 'The Paul Daniels Magic Show' has come to an end! Never again will the punters switch on the telly and see me face! (leaves)

DOCTOR And who gets on the New Year's honours list? Ronnie f**king Corbett.

MR SPENCE IS DRESSED IN A LYRCA TYPE OUTFIT (LIKE THAT OF THE GLADIATORS TV SERIES) - HE IS OUTSIDE THE HEALTHCENTRE.

THE TIME IS APPROACHING 8:30

VOICEOVER (JOHN THE REFEREE FROM GLADIATORS) : CONTENDERS READY!!!?

MR SPENCE NODS.

VOICEOVER (JOHN THE REFEREE FROM GLADIATORS) : RECEPTIONISTS READY!!!?

A RECEPTIONIST APPEARS AT THE FRONT DOOR AND NODS

VOICEOVER (JOHN THE REFEREE FROM GLADIATORS) : 3, 2, 1....

A TIMER APPEARS ON THE SCREEN

MR SPENCE BEGINS TRYING TO DODGE PASSED THE RECEPTIONIST. THE RECEPTIONIST DIVES AT HIM AND TAKES HIM TO THE GROUND. SHE THEN RELEASES HIM. HE TRIES AGAIN AND AGAIN BEFORE FINALLY GETTING PASSED.

THE AUTOMATIC DOORS OPEN UP AND THERE IS A SET OF RUNGS HANGING FROM THE CEILING. ANOTHER RECEPTIONIST IS HANGING ON THE OTHER END. HE GRABS HOLD OF THE RUNGS AND BEGINS
SWINGING DOWN THE HALL, THE RECEPTIONIST IS SWINGING TOWARDS HIM AND SOON WRAPS HER LEGS AROUND HIM AND TRIES TO PULL HIM FROM THE RUNGS. SHE LOSES GRIP AND THE MAN
EVENTUALLY SWINGS TO THE END OF THE RUNGS.

HE HEADS THROUGH ANOTHER DOOR. YET ANOTHER RECEPTIONIST AWAITS, HOLDING A JOUSTING STICK. THERE IS ONE ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO MR. SPENCE. HE PICKS IT UP
AND THEY BEGIN JOUSTING WITH ONE ANOTHER. EVENTUALLY HE STRIKES THE RECEPTIONIST TO THE FLOOR AND HEADS THROUGH ANOTHER SET OF DOORS. HE IS MET WITH
A TRAVELATOR WHICH HEADS UP TO A DOOR WITH A SIGN "DR. WOLF" ON IT. HE'S NOW TIRED AND AFTER SEVERAL ATTEMPTS HE GETS TO THE TOP, SMASHES THROUGH THE DOOR AND LANDS FACE FIRST ON THE FLOOR.

DR. WOLF : AHH, MR SPENCE. HOW ARE YOU?

MR SPENCE : (GETTING UP) FINE DOCTOR

DR. WOLF : HOW DID YOU FIND THE NEW SYSTEM?

MR SPENCE : WELL IT'S A DAMN SIGHT EASIER THAN IT USED TO BE!

INT. DOCTOR'S SURGERY.

DOCTOR: (lifting phone)
Could you send in the next patient please, Mrs Walsh.

RECEPTIONIST:
Yes, it's a Doctor Lewis to see you Doctor Gray.

DOCTOR LEWIS WALKS IN.

DOCTOR GRAY:
Doctor Lewis.

DOCTOR LEWIS:
Doctor Gray.

DOCTOR GRAY:
What seems to be the problem Doctor Lewis?

DOCTOR LEWIS:
Well, Doctor Gray I'm having trouble with... Oh dear, you couldn't excuse me, I've bleeped... well that's just typical, sorry about this Doctor Gray but I have to go urgently, a man has got a snooker ball stuck up his nose.

DOCTOR GRAY:
It's bad enough patients' wasting my time but now it's the turn of the doctor's... (LIFTS PHONE)... send in the next patient please, Mrs. Walsh.

RECEPTIONIST:
It's a Doctor Maguire to see you Doctor Gray.

DOCTOR MAGUIRE WALKS IN.

DOCTOR GRAY:
I wasn't aware that I was your GP Doctor Maguire.

DOCTOR MAGUIRE:
No, Doctor Lewis is my GP, Doctor Gray.

DOCTOR GRAY:
Well, why didn't you see him instead of wasting my time?

DOCTOR MAGUIRE:
I did see him but I wanted a second opinion.

PATIENT ENTERS DOCTORS OFFICE AND TAKES A SEAT

DOCTOR:
So what can I help you with today?

PATIENT:
I have a problem with my, erm .. old man, he can't stand up.

DOCTOR:
So you'd like to arrange a home visit for him? What's his address?

PATIENT:
No, you don't understand it's an issue with my... "wifes best friend".

DOCTOR:
Do you want to give her a call and get his address?

PATIENT:
No, it's my sausage, my meat and two veg.

DOCTOR:
Ah well we can arrange a diet plan for you.

PATIENT:
No it's my trouser snake.

DOCTOR:
I think you'd be better seeing a vet in that case.

PATIENT: [exasperated]
Oh for goodness sake, it's my penis I can't get an erection!

DOCTOR:
Ah, the old tadpole cannon is stuck facing south, why didn't you say so? I'll write you a prescription for some little blue stiffy pills.

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE. PATIENT KNOCKS AND ENTERS.

DR: Ah, Mr Smith, do come in. What can we do for you?

PATIENT: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.

DR: Right. I'm not sure I quite, err...Can you be more specific?

PATIENT: Oh, you know, just cardlike generally. Sort of ludically cardiform, you know? Especially at night.

DR: Hmm-mmm...I'm afraid I'm still not precisely getting a grip on the situation. Are you in any discomfort?

PATIENT: Yes.

DR: Aha! Whereabouts?

PATIENT: Between the nine and queen of spades.

FADE SOUND.

DR: (V/O) I've been seeing more and more poets recently. It's a challenge for any medical professional, as they do tend to have difficulty explaining their symptoms. It all makes sense in their minds, you see, but precision isn't necessarily their strong point. I need firm clinical data immediately, and something that clicks as the perfect term two years later isn't vastly useful in immediate diagnosis. I'm actually getting better at decoding symbolism and most metaphors are similar once you get a grasp of the form, but some of the more experimental techniques still pose a conundrum, I must admit.

FADE UP SOUND.

DOCTOR: I see. And where, precisely, do you feel particularly like a pair of curtains?

PATIENT: (INDICATING LOWER BACK) Here.

DOCTOR: Ah, the kidneys! It may well be a urinary infection, nothing to worry about. Take these tablets, and come and see me if the problem persists.

DOCTOR SCRIBBLES A PRESCRIPTION AND HANDS IT TO PATIENT

PATIENT: Oh, thank you, doctor. You've certainly put my mind at rest, from the slings and arrows of outrageous paranoia about cancer.

DOCTOR: No problem at all. Let me know if the difficulty persists.

PATIENT EXITS. DOCTOR PRESSES INTERCOM.

DOCTOR: Sally, send the next one in would you?

PATIENT 2 ENTERS.

DOCTOR: Good afternoon. What can I do for you today?

PATIENT 2: Well, doctor, it's a bit embarrassing. Um, I'm having terrible trouble with my - (EMBARASSED COUGH) my spondees. And my dactyls are playing up something chronic.

DOCTOR: Nothing to be worried about, we'll have those checked in a jiffy.

PATIENT 2: Thanks for being understanding. Oh, and I keep shitting myself too.

INT SURGERY

RECEPTIONIST:
Hello Mr Jones, how can I help you?

JONES:
I'd like to complain about the treatment I've received from your doctors

THE RECEPTIONIST LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE

RECEPTIONIST:
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Have you got any specific cases you want to discuss?

JONES TAKES OUT A FEW SHEETS OF PAPER

JONES:
Why don't I start with my wife. She came in a month ago for a smear test with Dr Who.

RECEPTIONIST:
Dr Who founded this clinic two hundred years ago. He's our most senior doctor.

JONES:
Oh I'm sure he is, but did he really need to tell my wife she seemed a lot bigger on the inside?

RECEPTIONIST:
Ah

JONES:
Here's another one. I came in a month ago with these strange spasms in my right arm.

RECEPTIONIST:
You should see a doctor. That sounds nasty.

THE RECEPTIONIST LAUGHS AT HER OWN JOKE. MR JONES ISN'T SMILING

JONES:
Not according to your Dr Strangelove. He said it was perfectly normal.

JONES' ARM FLIES UP IN A NAZI SALUTE WHICH HE PUSHES BACK DOWN.

JONES:
It's ludicrous. Even my sons suffered. He came in a few weeks ago with a dreadful sore throat hoping to get some antibiotics. Dr Quinn Medicine Woman hadn't even heard of them and told him to bung a bloody poultice on his neck.

RECEPTIONIST:
I really am very sorry Mr Jones. I'll make sure your complaints are looked at, and we'll try to arrange a time for someone to speak with you. Were you here for anything else?

JONES:
Well yes, I've been erm, under the weather a bit, so if someone could see me today that would be great. But please not that lunatic Dr Doolittle. I saw him in the carpark earlier arguing with a pigeon.

RECEPTIONIST:
Please take a seat

FADE

INT DOCTORS ROOM. JONES IS DOING UP HIS TROUSERS AND THE DOCTOR IS TAKING OFF SOME RUBBER GLOVES

DR SEUSS
I do not like to give out shocks
I do not like your weeping cock
shocks
cocks
docks?
pox.

DARREN HAS ACCOMPANIED HIS NAN TO THE DOCTOR'S WAITING ROOM.

NAN -
What's she going in for? She came in after me.

DARREN -
She's got a different doctor to you, Nan.

NAN -
Nearly all of this lot came in after me.

DARREN -
Not all of them, Nan.

NAN -
Look at them. Not much wrong with this lot.

DARREN -
You can't always tell.

NAN -
Apart from him of course. (SHE NODS AT A VERY FAT MAN). Something wrong with his feet.

DARREN -
I can't see anything wrong with his feet.

NAN -
I can. Can't keep them out of the chip shop! (CACKLES HYSTERICALLY AT HER OWN JOKE)

DARREN -
Nan!

A WOMAN STARTS TO COUGH.

NAN -
Why doesn't she put her hand over her mouth? I don't want her bloody germs.

RECEPTIONIST -
Mr Chipperfield.

NAN -
He came in after me. He can get back to the circus!

DARREN -
Nan!

RECEPTIONIST -
Mrs Dorothy Parker.

NAN -
About bloody time!

NAN GETS UP BUT THE RECEPTIONIST IS COMING TOWARDS HER.

RECEPTIONIST -
Mrs Parker, I am afraid that your doctor has had to deal with an emergency and won't be able to see you today.

NAN -
What? So who am I seeing then?

RECEPTIONIST -
I'm afraid that nobody can fit you in.

NAN -
Well one of them better 'ad, now that I've been coughed and spluttered over.

RECEPTIONIST -
I'm really sorry about this, but one of our doctors will do a home visit.

NAN -
A home visit? That's a bit more like it. What's he like?

RECEPTIONIST -
He's very thorough. He hasn't had to do a single follow-up visit, and he's never had a single complaint.

NAN -
That don't sound bad. What's his name?

RECEPTIONIST -
Doctor Shipman.

NAN -
Doctor Shipman? Well I'm glad he's doing a home visit. This waiting room will be the death of me!

INT - GP SURGERY

MAN
Doctor, I've never been able to bring my wife to orgasm.

DOCTOR
It's a common problem Mr O Shea, and nothing at all to be ashamed of, many women never achieve orgasm.

MAN
Oh, but she can reach the dizzy heights of abandoned ecstasy, the rollicking convulsions of unbridled passion, the screaming explosions of comeliness, the back arching teeth clattering heights of lust....but just not with me.

DOCTOR
I see.

MAN
I can hear her loud and clear in the spare room... gyrating away to Google Images of that young bollox from One Direction.

DOCTOR
Mr O Shea, it's time for you to take control of the situation...now, when you're next in bed with Mrs O Shea, watch her body, check her signs...it's vital...

MAN
I get you, vital signs, so take her pulse? That's going to be tricky, she won't let me near her wrists, not since the handcuffs got locked on Christmas Eve...

DOCTOR
Mr O Shea...you need to check that's she's being adequately stimulated.

MAN
But Downton Abbey ended last month, she's been a misery since then.

DOCTOR
Variety is key...romance, fantasy, surprise.

MAN
I've tried it all doctor... pound shop roses, Star Trek, whoopee cushions.

DOCTOR
Mr. O Shea, the female orgasm is still very much an uncharted mystery, and so requires lots of time, effort, WORK.

MAN
Time, effort, work, fine yeah, sounds fine. Look, I don't suppose I could have some of those pills you prescribed me last month.

DOCTOR
(Doctor taps into the screen in front of him)
(exasperated) The only pills prescribed for you in the last month are the 20mg sleeping tablets.

MAN
Yes, she gets lovely and drowsy after them and is asleep by the time I'm finished.

DOCTOR
(Scribbles on a pad) here's a months supply.

MAN
Can you make it two?

INT. DOCTORS ROOM. DAY

A patient is sitting in the Doctors room looking nervous.

PATIENT
Have the results come back?

DOCTOR
Yes, I'm afraid you only have 3 months to live...

The patient starts to cry. The Doctor gradually begins to laugh.

DOCTOR
April fools!!!!!

Doctors Surgery. Female Clinic.

Doctor; Routine smear is it?

Patient; yes,apparently.

Doctor; You will feel a small prick.

Patient; Yes, of course.

Doctor; You complained about the last smear, why?

Patient; I felt it was an incorrect smear, against Me.

Doctor; No, that smear was correct, dear YOUR smear is incorrect.

Patient; My smear against you is that my smear was incorrect.

Doctor; I won't have incorrect smears against my name!.

Patient; OK I will smear your name in the mud.

Doctor; This could get smeared all over the media.

Patient; I won't smear on one condition.

Doctor; What is it?.

Patient; Shall we wipe the slate clean?.

Quote: Shirl the Whirl @ February 6 2012, 7:43 PM GMT

NAN -
Look at them. Not much wrong with this lot.

DARREN -
You can't always tell.

NAN -
Apart from him of course. (SHE NODS AT A VERY FAT MAN). Something wrong with his feet.

DARREN -
I can't see anything wrong with his feet.

NAN -
I can. Can't keep them out of the chip shop! (CACKLES HYSTERICALLY AT HER OWN JOKE)

DARREN -
Nan!

View original

Brilliant.

INT. OFFICE. DAY.

CLEMENT HAS BEEN CALLED INTO HIS BOSSES OFFICE.

BOSS:
Okay Clement, take a seat. Do you know why I called you in here?

CLEMENT:
Yes, because of the squirrels in the sink.

BOSS:
What? No.....what's...squirrels in the sink?

CLEMENT:
Sorry, ahem..I was thinking of some other am...job.

BOSS:
Clement I have called you in here to discuss your simply appalling time-keeping. Late twenty seven days in a row and twelve bouts of sickness in the last six months. Not one doctor's note and some of the most outlandish excuses I have ever heard. Here are just a few...

1.I was fishing on the lake and one of the oars fell out and I spent two days going around in circles.

2.My phone's been poisoned.

3.Similar theme to the first one here: "My brother fell into a fish tank".

4.Here's an audio one, one of the rare occasions when you actually decided to phone in:

BOSS PLAYS AUDIO OF CLEMENT'S CALL. HE IS SINGING TO THE AIR OF A TYPICAL MUSICAL NUMBER...

CLEMENT(ON TAPE):
I won't be in, oh no I won't be in, he won't be in todayyyy! I won't be in today from the end to the beginning, no I won't be in today as I can't stop singingggg!! Singing, singing so I can't go in today, singing all around the town joyful and gay. Singing up, singing down, hop into every shop in town. Singing left, singing right, I've been singing all through the night. Singing, singing to every animal I see, a bird a bee, the wolves upon my knee.

BOSS:
It continues like that for another seventeen minutes. The next excuse; "I'm not going to make it in today as I kicked myself in the throat".

CLEMENT:
I had to, it was the only way I could stop myself singing.

BOSS:
Then it gets crazier if that's even possible. "I got into a fight with a shepherd" and my personal favourite; "my foal turned into a pantomime horse".

Clement, this is simply ridiculous. You can't just make up half-baked excuses for not coming to work. How do you ever expect me to believe you if you keep lying like this? Haven't you ever heard of 'the boy who cried wolf'?

CLEMENT:
'The boy who cried like a wolf', I love that guy. 'Ooooooowwww'. Brilliant!

BOSS:
I'm afraid I'm left with no option. I'm going to have to see a doctor's note or your job is in serious jeopardy.

CLEMENT:
I have one.

HE PRODUCES A SICK CERT.

CLEMENT:
It says I am suffering from a rare condition known as 'Oxwolds Pamu'. The symptoms are all listed here Mr. Colgumpin.

BOSS:
Does it say anything about being a compulsive liar?

CLEMENT:
Yes.

BOSS (READING NOTE):
Please excuse Clement Rattigan's last twenty odd bouts of sickness. He has been not at all a well chap. Clement is suffering from a rare strain of Oxwolds Pamu. A disease that is so rare that I have just made up a name for it.

The disease manifests itself in 723 ways. These I will now list; just jokin', but here are a few of them:

Bold Back: His back will start acting out and causing a bit of a ruckus.

Ear Melting: This is not what it sounds like; in cold and hot weather his ears are prone to melting.

Seed Dispersion: He will have strong and regular urges to disperse the seeds of the geranium around Christmas trees.

Disappearance: He will randomly disappear. This is most likely to happen in a work environment.

STOPS READING.
BOSS:
Come on Clement, do you honestly expect me to believe-

BOSS LOOKS UP AND CLEMENT HAS DISAPPEARED.

HE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW AND SEES CLEMENT RIDING A PANTOMIME HORSE OUT OF THE CARPARK.

END.

Some cracking sketches here, 404 and Ishy's were particularly enjoyable. I'm going to vote for Shandonbelle though, mainly for naming her main character Mr O'Shea

Shandonbelle, not least for the 'But not with me' line.